Friday The 13th? Valentine's Day?

It may be Friday the 13th but Valentine's Day is clearly in the air.

For starters, I woke up at 4 a.m. because I heard some strange noises. I immediately thought someone had broken in.

However, instead of a gang of nefarious criminals stuffing my laptop into a pillow case, my husband was skulking around our living room, trying to set up a huge heart balloon, two big boxes of chocolate and a big vase of off-white roses.

The subsequent conversation went something like this:

Me: (groggily surveying the scene) What are you doing?

Him: (looking totally busted) Oh... *#&*@! Sorry you woke up! I was trying to surprise you for Valentine's Day.

Me: Valentine's Day? But that's not till tomorrow!

Him: It's tomorrow? *@#&@! I thought it was today! Are you sure it's tomorrow?

Me: (probably sounding annoyed) Yeah, I'm sure it's tomorrow! Today's Friday the 13th. Tomorrow is the 14th. Valentine's Day is the 14th every year...

Him: It's the 13th today?

I know, at least he tried. And now I have a LOT of chocolate to eat.

My husband wasn't the only one ready for Valentine's Day either. Both of my sons are having Valentine's Day parties at school this afternoon. In preparation for the festivities, they doused themselves in Emporio Armani as they were getting dressed. I was told, "Girls like boys that smell good."

Uh, yes, that IS true, but a little Armani can go a LONG way.

My five year-old even put on a dress shirt and his clip-on-tie. I don't know what he thinks is going down with his, "I have 279 girlfriends," self but I felt like I needed to have Outkast's "So Fresh, So Clean" playing on a boom box as we walked down the hill.

Unfortunately, two blocks from school, we encountered the positively-slizzard-at-7:30-in-the-morning lady. She staggered past us clad solely in red satin pj's and some house shoes. Her only accoutrement was a bottle of liquor in a paper sack.

Clearly, she was ready for round two of the party as she slurred out, "Happppyyyy Vaaah-lenzzzz..." before lurching past us.

My eldest is ever the good-hearted soul because he merely said, "Those were some pretty red pajamas, weren't they, Mommy? You'd like those!"

Mmm hmm, sure thing, baby.

Hours later, I'm staring at two boxes of chocolate that are whispering, "Come to us, Los Angelista! Eat us! We're delicious!"

I think I have enough willpower to avoid even opening those satiny red boxes from hell. I'll just wait for my husband and kids to get home and then they'll eat all that chocolate for me. That way my pants will still fit in two weeks.

I wonder if I get more presents tomorrow when it's actually Valentine's Day? Don't you think I should get more presents?* I sure do!


*Anyone who said, "No, you ungrateful heffa! You should be happy with two boxes of chocolate and some white roses!" is cursed with seven years of bad luck and is free to never visit this blog again. Happy Friday the 13th!