Sleep Aids and Los Angelista Don't Mix

I have been having some CRAZY dreams the past two nights. I'm talking insane, psychedelic, trip-out, scary type dreams. And I'm pretty sure it's all because I've been taking a little something to help me fall asleep.

My sons, with their four year-old and seven year-old brilliance, see commercials on TV for drugs like Lunesta and say to each other, "That's what mommy needs."

They are especially fascinated with the Lunesta commercial because it has that butterfly that floats over all the sleepless adults and makes their eyes close. (I know some ad exec somewhere is pumping his fist in the air over this child-brainwashing triumph.)



I have to admit, I laugh when I see this commercial because when I watch it, I analyze why the people in it can't fall asleep. I say stuff to myself like, "That guy can't sleep because he's trying to figure out how to pay his house note," and, "That woman can't sleep because she knows her husband isn't really working late." I know, overactive imagination. But if you watch the clip, you'll see what I mean.

There really are legitimate reasons people can't sleep. We all know a whole lot of Americans can't pay the mortgage and are worrying that someone's cheating. And if you're wondering what my worries are, well, those particular things aren't my worries. Besides, I don't have a house here in LA because I know there's no way I can afford the monthly payment on a $600K house. So no mortgage to worry about.

Mortgage or not, I'm staying far away from that cute Lunesta butterfly. I always tell my boys that the butterfly/moth medicine might have weird side effects on mommy's body, so no thank you! I don't want to read in ten years about some weird, undiscovered side effect and then say, "Oh, is that why I can't move my arm anymore?"

On the other hand, because I'm tired of feeling tired but not being able to sleep, I figured I'd give a couple of different over the counter sleep aids a try. Saturday night I was in this health food store called the Nature Mart and I picked up a bottle of this stuff called Calms Forte. It's supposed to be a natural, homeopathic sort of sleep aid. The box says "non-habit forming". I like non-habit forming stuff. Except for chai. I don't really mind that chai is habit forming. Plus, I figure it can't be all that bad since I can remember my mom taking this stuff all the time when I was a kid.

Wow, I guess we really do all turn into our mothers eventually, don't we? Hmm...

Anyway, I took these little Calms Forte tablets the past two nights. I give it an "A" for making me fall asleep at a reasonable hour. But the trippy nightmares? Um, no thank you. I don't particularly want to dream about being chained to a pole with a Venus Flytrap munching on my hand. I also don't want to see every person I know walking by saying, "It's too bad you can't get away from that Venus Flytrap. Sucker."

And then, just when I thought it couldn't get any worse, Darth Vader appeared and said he'd kill the Venus Flytrap with his light saber but I'd have to marry Darth Maul.

It sounds a little funny as I'm writing about it and I can laugh about it now, but in the midst of it, I was scared as hell. You'd be scared too if someone told you, "Marry Darth Maul or die."

Can't you just imagine one of his antlers poking out your eye while you're having sex? And why couldn't Vader have said, "Marry Orlando Bloom or die?" That would've been a very good dream indeed. Sigh.

Alas, I have come to the conclusion that sleep aids and moi don't mix. Or at least that particular one doesn't work for me. I'd prefer dreams where I don't choose to be devoured by a venus flytrap in order to escape a fate worse than death.