Jack and Bob Make Babies

Here it is, almost 9:30 and I don't know where the day went.

First of all, school needs to be out, like yesterday. My kids are so over and done with this school year. They don't want to go anymore and they for sure don't want to go to sleep. So what are they doing? Right now, they are in bed and have been (off and on) since a little after 8:00.

Unfortunately though, thanks to Daylight Saving's Time, it's still nice and light outside at 8:00. Why go to sleep when the sun's not down? And since they don't want to go to sleep, they get to fooling around.

First there was an itty bitty spider on the wall in their room. I had to stand on a chair to kill it and then they were scared it was going to come back from the dead like a zombie. Next they were hungry yet again. Trust me though, I believe them when they say they're hungry because these growing boys are like bottomless pits.

How bottomless pit-ish? Well, we went to the Los Feliz Street Fair yesterday, and I watched my seven year-old, "O", sit on the sidewalk in front of Skylight Books and devour one large Jamba Juice and one slice of cheese pizza from Palermo. Then he started begging for my bowl of Channa Masala and rice from Electric Lotus. I felt sorry for him so I went on and gave it to him. Twenty minutes later, he wanted a hot dog. As I sat there watching him scarf down the hot dog, I couldn't help but think, "10th percentile for weight. 90th percentile for height. He's gotta have tapeworms."

Anyway, back to tonight. Their second "dinner" got served to them around 8:45. Then folks had to go to the bathroom yet again. Now they're in their beds pretending that one of them is Robin Hood and the other is the Sheriff of Nottingham.

There's no point in going in there and making some sort of threat like, "If you don't go to sleep I'm gonna throw out all your toys," especially since the acting is so entertaining. Oh wait, they must be finished with Robin Hood and have clearly moved on to scientific inquiry because "O" just yelled, "Hey Mom, what are Jack and Bob doing?"

Remember those silkworms, Jack and Bob, that we picked up at the Bug Fair a few weeks ago? Yeah, if you don't, I don't blame you. I forgot about them too because Jack and Bob spun cocoons and have been chillin' inside them for over two weeks.

Well, today after school, O discovered that Jack and Bob, finally hatched from those cozy cocoons. Our two newly hatched moths then proceeded to have sex with each other all afternoon. Wait, let me go check... yep, still having sex with each other.

Gosh, silkworms. I had no idea the moth Kama Sutra would be going on in my house.

The most awkward moment of the evening was during their second dinner (peanut butter and jelly) when "O" just had to put their little plastic box next to his plate so that he could observe Jack and Bob. He was watching them intently and then he narrowed his eyes and asked, "Why are their butts stuck together like that? And why does Jack keep moving like that?"

Um, er, um. Mommy really doesn't know how to answer those questions without freaking both of us out, so that's why she said, "Because that's what moths do, so eat your sandwich and go to bed!"

Clearly I'm just as unprepared for the animal sex talk as I am for the human sex talk. Eek!

So, yeah, my kids will both be total zombies in the morning. This could work in my favor if Jack and Bob haven't detached from each other by then. The kids might not even notice if they haven't. And if the boys are little tired, hey, they only have a few days of school left. "T" graduates from Pre-K on Thursday and "O" only has till the following Thursday and then we are DONE with this school year!

Along Came a Spider

"Mommy, there's a SPIDER!!!"

Last night my seven year-old son, O, was in the bathroom screaming that there was a spider on the wall. I went in and indeed, crawling on the wall next to the toilet was a baby spider about the size of a flea.

"Kill it! Kill it!" he cried pitifully. And so, like any good and decent mother, I smashed it with my finger and rinsed it down the drain.

Today, less than 24 hours later, the exact same boy was happily holding a tarantula at the 22nd Annual Bug Fair.

Yes, folks, our annual visit to the bug fair is the only day of the year my two sons ask me things like, "Can I touch that scorpion?" and, "Don't you think a tarantula would make a great pet?"

I think it's the effect of listening to scientists wax rhapsodic about catching those tarantulas. We got to hear gems like, "When I was hiking off the 5 around Castaic I saw her on the ground. So I just scooped her up and stuck her in my backpack."

For you non SoCal residents, that's Interstate 5 and Castaic is only 40 miles north of Hollywood. Yeah, I'm sooo thrilled to know that there are friendly female tarantulas roaming around near my hood.

If tarantulas aren't your cup of tea, the bug fair also features fun centipedes and scorpions. One guy happily shared how he's been stung by scorpions between 150-200 times in his life. "It's not so bad now. I'm used to it, except I have to be careful now because these days, the part of my skin where I get stung dies."

Oh, okaay. His skin dies. That why he's holding three of those suckers, right?

My hands down favorite had to be the lady holding the gigantic cockroach. She had the nerve to say, "Isn't he a cutie?"

Uh, no ma'am. It's a cockroach. There is nothing cute about a four-inch long cockroach. It needs to meet up with a big can of extra-extra strength Raid and the underside of Shaquille O'Neal's shoe.

And of course, I wouldn't be myself if I didn't take note of the lack of racial and gender diversity among the scientists and other bug aficionados there to display their pets. Seriously, these guys looked exactly like you'd expect them to, like they just broke out of the 2008 version of Revenge of the Nerds. I'm sure they have Star Wars action figures at home, just like my own little scientists in training do.

Yeah, I'd be perfectly happy if my kids turn into Dr. O and Dr. T, bug scientists extraordinaire. I guess that's why I broke down and bought my boys their very own bug pets. Ladies and gentleman, meet Jack and Bob, our newly acquired silk worms!

Over the next two months, my kids are going to get to see Jack and Bob eat a bunch of mulberry tree leaves, spin a cocoon and hatch into moths. That's all fine with me. I'm cool with the kind of pet where if it gets loose I'm not going to have to stay at Motel 6 till it's caught again. Plus, the worms were two for a dollar. That's the perfect price!

And as I type, guess who just crept out of his room, whining, "Mommy, there's a spider..."

Bravery

I have come to the conclusion that I am not particularly brave. Especially when it comes to things with eight furry legs and beady eyes that stare back at you. Things like tarantulas.

Saturday afternoon found us in Exposition Park at the annual Bug Fair at the Natural History Museum. After a nanosecond-long attempt at holding a tarantula, which ended with me instantly saying,"Ok, you can take it off my hand, NOW!" I've decided I like bugs best when they're outside, not when they're crawling up my arm.

Fortunately, that esteemed attribute of bravery seems to be manifesting itself quite healthily in my eldest son. I'm now renaming him "Master Tarantula Holder of Los Angeles".

It was great to see my son getting to talk with the scientists who research all the arachnids and bugs out there. He met the professors and got to talk to the college students about why they got into studying bugs in the first place.

If you're worried it was all high-brow intellectualism, never fear.

At one table, manned by a guy I'd say was in his late fifties, my son held his second tarantula. Then, when he was finished holding the spider, he said, "Thank you for letting me hold your spider. He was a really nice spider."

The guy paused for a moment...and I know that pause. It's the, "I can't believe kids can be so polite" pause. He leaned down and said, "Young man, let me shake your hand."

My son extended his hand and they shook hands.

The man continued. "You like the Spiderman movies?"

My son nodded, "Yes".

"Then you can tell all your friends that you just met the man who did the spiders for the Spiderman movies."

After that experience, I think my son may be altering his dreams of becoming a pediatrician and may now be gunning for bug-handler instead. He held five tarantulas, three African millipedes, a stick bug, and a scorpion on Saturday.

He really had to work his way up to the scorpion. He asked all the bug scientists if a scorpion's dangerous. They all said yes, but you know the disclaimer, "If you provoke it!" I was not down for the scorpion holding. I mean, the stinger on that thing is huge! But he really wanted to do it. Afterwards, he said, "Do you want to try it, Mommy. It's not so bad."

Um, no. That's okay. I am not as brave as he is.

My son thinks he's invincible. He believes he can do anything. I don't want him to lose that bravery.