Sizing Me Up

One of the most annoying things about going somewhere and having to meet and interact with new people is the way in which we're socialized to size each other up.

You know how it is, you're chatting with someone new and you slowly realize they're trying to place you on their scale of social importance.

I got sized up yesterday and gosh, it drives me crazy! I found myself wanting to tell the most outrageous lies and make up the most random stuff just to throw off the other person's efforts to determine whether or not I'm worth respecting.

Here are some of the questions and my interpretations:

1) So what do you do? This question is used to figure out pretty much everything under the sun about a person. If I say I'm a corporate lawyer, then you know I have an advanced degree, am making beaucoup dollars and work too many hours. You're going to think I'm smart and maybe a little ruthless, but in our culture, is that necessarily a bad thing?

On the other hand, if I say I'm a "dancer" at Spearmint Rhino, well, no offense to anybody who may be employed by said strip club, but no one is gonna be thinking I'm all that smart. In fact, your eyes might suddenly gravitate to my chest to see if you can discern whether or not I've had any "enhancements" done.

2) What does your husband do? If I say my husband is a film executive you are going to think something different than if I say he's a gardener. If I answer that I'm not married then the person's going to wonder if I'm a lesbian or if I'm trying to be a character from Sex and the City.

3) Where'd you do your undergrad? This is one of the really slick ones. With this question, the interrogater is letting me know she actually went to grad school. Notice how people who only went to undergrad don't phrase things this way. They say, "Where'd you go to college?"

Sometimes the questioner will find out what she wants by saying, "Well, when I was in undergrad, I blah blah blah!"

I'm supposed to respond, "How fascinating! Where did you go to undergrad?"

That then opens the door to the other person revealing in their best, self-deprecating tone, "Oh, Harvard. What about you?"

This game is played till the location of their graduate school is revealed as well.

4) "It's just sooo hard to see all of the Louvre in one day, isn't it?" This is the question that is designed to figure out whether or not I've been to Europe or have any European cultural awareness. I'm supposed to answer, "Oh my God! Yes, it is! I spent a whole day and didn't even get to see Antioch's Venus de Milo!"

After that, if I'm to prove I'm "somebody" I should launch into all the details of my time gallivanting through Paris.

On the other hand, if I say, "What's the Louvre?" well, the person probably will excuse herself to go get another drink. Or if I say, "I've read that it is hard to see all of it but I've never been to Paris," I'll get grilled on whether I've ever been to Europe at all. When I reveal that I haven't, then that supposedly says something about me.

5) "Is that a Marc Jacobs jacket?" This one is also used to determine my status. Like, am I going to reply, "Naw, heffa, it's from Target," or will I answer, "No, this one's from Gucci but it looks like Jacobs from two seasons ago, doesn't it?"

You see what I mean about how annoying these little "let me place you socially" questions are? And we all do it. Over the years I've tried to make a conscious effort to not ask these sorts of questions but I know I still do sometimes. Granted, if the interrogator is nice and not condescending, sometimes I don't mind answering.

I just know I will be happier in the world if we all figure out how to talk about real things with the people we meet instead of engaging in this mindless Q & A that's all designed to figure out how well you think you have to treat someone.

And for the record, in case you are speculating, I do not work as a corporate lawyer.

(I'm not a stripper either.)

What's "The Wizard Of Oz "Really About?

I clearly have too much time on my hands because I'm watching "The Wizard of Oz" for the second time today.

Is it merely a fairytale or is it really all about money? Is the Wicked Witch of the East really a metaphor for Wall Street? Is the Yellow Brick Road really a stand in for the gold standard?

If I look at it as a political commentary, the, "Pay No Attention To That Man Behind The Curtain!" line is more relevant than ever. We aren't supposed to pay attention to what's what in our society. We're supposed to keep on shopping, keep on consuming and pretend we don't see the things that are staring us in the face.

It's also interesting to think about how a teenager is basically killing adults in this movie, but it's okay since it's all rather accidental. And, besides, they're female witches. Who cares if a couple of evil bitches witches die, right? Especially when they're the classic stereotype of a single spinster who's bitter because she doesn't have a man.

Yep, the Wicked Witch /Miss Gulch character was really evil. I used to be able to do the, "I'll get you my pretty, and your little dog too," just like her.

What am I talking about, I can still do it. And even though I haven't seen "Wicked", I can empathize with the Wicked Witch because if your dog comes and bites me, guess what, Toto is getting put to sleep.

And then I'm suing you for not keeping Toto on a leash. You'll hear me cackling, "I'll get you my pretty, and your house/car/bank account too!"

Yes, I'll be living large in the Emerald City and you'll be in lock down at the county "storm cellar".

I'll come visit you in an H&M knockoff of the Good Witch Glinda's dress and some red shoes just like Dorothy's. Yep, put the two of those together and bam, instant hotness!

You see how easy it is to just think about the yellow brick road(gold) and the fly Manolo's? Yes, indeed, maybe "The Wizard of Oz" really is all about money.

Halloween Costume Horror

Do you dress up for Halloween?

'Cause if you do, I really think you should skip any costumes that require machetes or chainsaws.

I'd like to hope this stuff has to be for adults because I can't see any responsible, sane parent saying, "Oh honey, let me run and get my camera. You look so cute in that Leatherface outfit!"

Then again, we all know there are a whole lot of irresponsible and insane parents out there. If you're one of the ones that buys plastic chainsaws that come coated in fake blood...well, if you're one of those, you're probably not reading this blog. But if you are, please explain in the comments what in the world you're thinking!

And another thing, who's going to open up their door to give candy to some machete holding teenager? Or adult? How are folks supposed to tell it's a fake machete? I mean, folks are crazy nowadays so who's to know? Am I really supposed to open my door up to give some kid holding a chainsaw some some candy? No wonder I come across houses that don't answer the door but instead have huge buckets of candy out front with signs that say things like, "Take one. We're watching!"

I'm not a fan of people dressing up as evil things but what happened to the days when a scary costume meant dressing up as Dracula or Frankenstein? I remember being maybe eight or nine and dressing up as a mummy. My friend Greg wrapped me in toilet paper and newspaper. It was a little misty so my costume fell apart pretty quickly, but it was fun.

Of course, people started putting razor blades into Snickers Bars...and the Atlanta Child Murders happened, so that ended my trick-or-treating days pretty quickly.

I'll tell you though, back then it wouldn't have crossed our minds to coat a costume with fake blood! But nowadays, someone thinks my son needs a "Dripping, Bleeding Mask".

Fortunately, my son thinks it's disgusting and wasn't even happy to pose with this awful thing. I feel sorry for the kids who've been brainwashed into believing this kind of thing is okay.

Seriously, what in the world is wrong with Halloween?