Thinking On An Anonymous Comment

When I first began this blog, no one commented on anything I wrote. Or rather, no one except spam commenters . Thank goodness that eventually changed because I love reading your comments. And the longer I blog the more grateful I am for the honesty with which you choose to share what you do. I will admit though that sometimes it's hard to quickly respond to comments in as meaningful a way as I want.

I wrote on Friday about my struggles with anger management (and the out of control dog), and one of you, Anonymous, really got me thinking with this comment:

"Can you aid me with some anger management issues that I have? I live in England, UK, and I am really angry that the USA is still in the dark ages regarding racial discrimination. The recent Sean Bell incident with the police has exacerbated the downward spiral of my emotional well being. What do you suggest that I do? I feel hurt and insulted by the illegal legal process that you have in the USA, whatever happened to Glory, freedom and justice? Why is there so little international condemnation? How does the USA keep getting away with these crimes against humanity? Yet it has the gall to go to other countries and lecture them about their human rights atrocities! Its absurd and surreal, what drugs are your politicians on?

To add insult to injury they use Condoleeza Rice a black icon to deliver the GOOD news globally, she looks like an evil profit of doom cabbage patch caricature, with the subliminal message that black people are evil doers even when they get to positions of authority! Although, she is probably a lovely lady in real life, so no offense meant!

Please help me I am losing all faith in the USA, the New World Leaders. I feel like I am in a bad dream, trying to wake up but I cannot. Despite my misgivings about some aspects of American life I think that in a converse way that you are so fortunate to have the opportunities that you have. I love the average American person, they are so lovely and full of hope and faith,they demonstrate their affection unlike us English. Tonight I will pray for America and pray for world peace but Doctor Liz what would you recommend for me. You always shed light on socio economic and psycho spiritual factors!"

Anonymous, we seriously need to go grab a couple cups of chai and sit down for a long chat because you have me thinking about enough for a dozen blog posts. First, let me say that the Sean Bell verdict has me thinking about how tomorrow, April 29th, it'll be the 16th anniversary of the beginning of the LA Riots. I know most people don't think about the LA Riots too much anymore, even in Los Angeles. But I do because, well, I wonder what I'd do if something similar popped off in my neighborhood. Clearly, the conditions that created the riots definitely still exist, and not just at the intersection of Florence and Normandie where they began.

The official spark of the riots was, of course, the acquittal verdict for the police officers who beat Rodney King and got caught on camera. But that was merely a tipping point. They were unofficially begun by recession-induced high unemployment, racism, gang violence, failing schools and a lack of justice. Hmm... that sounds a bit like 2008 instead of 1992, doesn't it? And I'm sure all that could be said of your city in the UK as well, not just LA.

So now Al Sharpton and other activists are threatening to shut New York City down in protest of the acquittal of the officers that shot Sean Bell. I wonder if they will and I wonder what spin we'll see in the media as a result. I'll tell you, Al Sharpton doesn't have a ton of credibility with me. How about protest the everyday things that do so much destruction, things like crappy schools or living conditions in the Bronx. How about march every day over those injustices? So yeah, I'm a little skeptical about Sean Bell's death being used as a tool to possibly further personal ambitions.

I'm sure that the yuppies who've bought up the brownstones in Harlem are shaking in their boots today, scared that angry black folks are going to bust them upside the head with a brick, a la Reginald Denny. I hope they remember that it was a black man who risked his life to save Reginald Denny and that more black people died in the LA Riots than any other group of people. Besides, the new residents of Harlem could go out there and protest in solidarity with their black and brown brothers and sisters. They could also exercise their influence and demand a federal trial. They could remember you don't have to be black to demand justice for an injustice that was served against someone who's black.

As far as glory, freedom and justice? The nobility of those sentiments got corrupted the minute someone decided to drop some smallpox blankets on the native population that had helped them survive in the first place. You ask why we're still in the dark ages of racial discrimination. I think it's because we haven't really told the truth yet about the blood soaked roots of this country so we can't yet heal ourselves-- and when we do know the truth, we cling to mistrust and refuse to make things right. I mean, if I suddenly discover that my family stole your land a generation ago, then I have to decide what is the right thing to do. Do I keep the deed and say, "Too bad. That's life! Survival of the fittest!" Do I make my own family homeless by moving them off that land and giving it back to you? OR, do we work together to ensure that everybody has a home and has their basic human rights taken care of?

Our society is in a lot of pain and it's reflected on all levels. I'll be the first to admit that it's hard to not be demoralized, it's hard to not give up hope, and it's hard to know that we've all got to be somewhat depressed about everything that's going on. This weekend I felt so sad after reading this LA Times article about fear and depression among low-income high school students in LA. The conditions in their schools and neighborhoods are caused by institutional racism and unjust practices. There's going to be a point where those kids demand justice but when will that point come?

Why do things continue the way they are even though more and more people recognize that the way we've been operating on an individual, institutional and community level isn't working? Because even though over 80% of Americans think this country is on the wrong track, we've also allowed ourselves to be bought off. We've swallowed materialism as the driving force of our lives and it's hollowness is what echoes in our hearts. On a daily basis we think more about American Idol, what we're wearing to work and what we need to pick up at Wal-Mart than about what's really going on in our world or what's going on with our souls. It's easier that way. It's like the Matrix where the drama begins once you take the pill and see the world for what it really is.

Many of us want someone else to solve it. We want the American Congress to solve everything or we want Barack Obama to solve everything, and real change just doesn't work that way. Political leaders are drunk with the pursuit of power and are beholden to someone in some way, and that limits the extent to which they'll really demand change. Besides, I can't tell some "leader" to change everything while I go about my merry life and do whatever I want. Real change happens when we each individually bring ourselves to account and stand up and alter the way we behave.

I always ask people to look around at their circle of friends and ask if everyone looks the same or if there's a diversity of colors and cultures represented, are there people from various religious backgrounds, etc. And if there aren't, then why not? It's when we hold the people we're supposed to mistrust close to our hearts with genuine love -- that's when things change. When we stop shopping and start paying attention to what's happening to our brothers and sisters down the street, that's when things change.

That said, I don't think I have to be perfect to ask someone else to stop doing something wrong and I don't think the U.S. should just be mum about human rights violations in other parts of the world. We need to both correct our own failings and advocate for justice in other parts of the world.

I think we're starting to see more individual mobilization happen -- look at the power of bloggers to push information and demand change. The stories of Dunbar Village and the Jena Six would be dead if not for bloggers. And I remember when Barack Obama won the Mississippi primary. All the TV talking heads were all, "Well, he has a problem because he only got 40% of the white vote." Quite frankly, I never thought I'd see the day a black presidential candidate would get 4% of the white vote in Mississippi, let alone 40%. So you see, change is happening.

I really do think we're nearing the end of a period of profound misery for this nation and our world. The "end" might take several decades or several centuries. A halt to racism and injustice may not come in our lifetimes, but we are getting closer. And yes, I want it now. I don't want my sons growing up in a world that teaches them to be ashamed of their blackness and that they shouldn't do well in school or be well-mannered because they are black. I don't want anyone's kids growing up with that.

Anonymous, both of us have a responsibility to keep going and keep making sure we're doing the right things in our personal lives. It's a painful process but we're experiencing the destruction of an old way of living and being. The growing pains are necessary. Keep your head up and know that even though injustice anywhere is injustice everywhere, we are all in this together.

Fearless

I had a little crying moment at the park this afternoon.

A couple of weeks ago my sons got their first ever bikes. So far we've only been letting them ride in the gated parking lot in back of our building. But today I let them ride their bikes over to our local park.

They rode around and around on a flat, paved loop, but finally decided they wanted to ride up the sloped dirt trail. Neither are super skilled at getting up slopes yet so it took some pushing to get them to the crest. But once they got there, they were more than ready to cruise to the bottom.

The seven year-old, "O", is a much more cautious rider, so he rode his brakes the whole way down the slope. But his four year-old daredevil brother, "T", screamed, "Rock on, baby!" at the top of his lungs and pumped his fist in the air the whole way down the slope. He rode so fast down the incline that I couldn't catch him even though I ran as fast as I could. (Sigh. My slow running is another issue entirely.) I was so worried because I totally thought he was going to crash.

In contrast, he was absolutely fearless.

It was really something to see my little wild baby refuse to look back even once. It really got me in the gut to see how he's growing up thinking he's absolutely invincible. He's whip smart, he's creative and he's not afraid to take risks.

So what made me cry? Well, it all got me thinking about how I've known so many other black males over the years who have also been smart, creative, outgoing, risk-takers... and they've had to deal with so much. I think about all the black males I've known who had blowout parties on their 25th birthdays because they honestly didn't think they'd live to see that age.

My mom can't even trace her patrilineal DNA because all the males in her family are dead. Her father died well before I was born. My brother is dead. My uncle is dead as well. My great uncles are dead. Sometimes I look at my sons and think about all of those relatives they won't know, men who had to work around not just the systemic lack of opportunity or institutionalized oppression, but also the psychological and emotional weight of racism. And it undeniably affected their health and/or their mental stability.

What's the weight? Marian Wright Edelman sums it up:

"Only 3 out of 100 Black males entering kindergarten will graduate from college. Every 5 seconds during the school day, a Black public school student is suspended. Every 46 seconds during the school day, a Black high school student drops out. Every minute, a Black child is arrested and a Black baby is born to an unmarried mother. Every 3 minutes, a Black child is born into poverty. Every hour, a Black baby dies. Every 4 hours, a Black child or youth under 20 dies from an accident, and every 5 hours, a Black youth is a homicide victim. Every day, a Black young person under 25 dies from HIV infection and a Black child or youth under 20 commits suicide."

And as much as I get up every day and 100% tell myself that my sons are not going to be a part of any of that because I'm making sure it doesn't happen, the reality is that so many other parents of black children have said the exact same thing.

Sometimes that reality gets to me. Sometimes I find myself getting stressed out thinking about how I can't slack at all when I come to my boys. I know I probably add to the pressure by operating with this fear.

With all of the violence going on in this city, these days I think about how I don't want my sons to grow up as teenagers in Los Angeles. I don't want them to be anywhere someone will drive by and shoot them because they're black. I don't want them stopped by the police and harassed. But where in the United States can we go where that sort of reality doesn't have the possibility of taking place?

My son hasn't caught on yet that he's supposed to walk softly and talk softly so he doesn't scare anybody. He doesn't know yet that when he does succeed someone will tell him it's only because he's black. And if he opens his mouth to acknowledge what he's going through, he'll get told he's playing the race card. Now though, if someone does something wrong to him, he expects immediate justice and he's come to believe that justice and fairness are fundamental to his world.

So when I see my son owning a slope like that, knowing he is worthy, capable, wonderful and smart, knowing he is invincible and just as much a rock star as any other child on that playground, I cherish that. I know it's going to hurt to see that start to get chipped away.

Race Isn't An Excuse

One of my fellow bloggers, Hammer, left the following comment for me yesterday in response to my post on racism and voting:

Race isn't an excuse. I went to a poor school with broken toilets, teachers who read the paper, 20 year old text books and no lab equipment. But we had no gangs or drugs and pretty much everyone graduated got a job or went to public college.

Declaring racism as an excuse for violent and criminal behavior when is counter productive.

My whole family was poor and or mexican and we got out of the projects despite most white people hating our guts.

I think just as many blacks are voting racism as whites.

So much came to mind in response to this so I figured I'd just post my thoughts right here. (I was going to write about how Madonna's holding dance auditions four blocks from my house but maybe I'll fill you in on that tomorrow. I know, you're sooo disappointed.)

Anyway, I think Hammer's definitely overcome a whole lot and I wish more people had the ability to do so, but it doesn't always work that way. More often, people end up being stuck in a cycle of generational poverty. And instead of focusing on whether the poor have realistic opportunities to get out of the situations they're in, our society is trained to instead blame those who need our help. I am all for individual accountability but when it involves children, I just want there to be a real solution that allows them to be able to have real choices about their lives.

People excuse racism in this country and behave like it's just people saying mean things to other people. I can deal with name calling. I've been called a zebra, an Oreo, and a crispy, critter, burnt up ni**er.

So, I suppose I could pat myself on the back and say, "Whatever, and now I've got a graduate degree!" I suppose I could also pat myself on the back for not being an addict saying, "I'm addicted to crack because people called me bad names." But it's not about me.

There are plenty of other people I've known over the course of my life who didn't make it. It's not just about one person pulling themselves up. How can I celebrate when others still suffer?

No, race should not be an excuse. But, just because it shouldn't be an excuse doesn't mean that racism isn't alive and well. We like to think it's just name calling, but unfortunately racism involves power. Mortgage lenders can decide whether or not to grant a loan. Landlords can decide whether or not they want black folks renting apartments in their building. My landlord never met me before he rented this apartment to me. All he saw was my nice Irish last name on the application I faxed to him. I know it worked in my favor.

Power means journalists can spin stories a certain way and influence the masses. And before we know it, you and I don't know the truth.

City officials have the power to decide whether or not they're going to let gangs take over a neighborhood. We can "conquer" Iraq but we can't root gangs out of Los Angeles?

Um, yeah. Okay.

Hammer mentions that he didn't have gangs back when he was in school. Well, if only we could be so lucky these days. As you all know very well, here in LA, gangs are no joke. They start recruiting when the kids are in 2nd/3rd grade. The kids with no fathers think the gang members are cool guys that are just trying to protect the neighborhood, even if everyone is terrified of them. Those guys have the cars, the cash, and all the cool tattoos that everyone from ball players to rockers have these days. It's all very appealing to a young mind.

Even for me, in high school I talked to gang members all the time. I thought they were just cool, misunderstood guys. The reality is that they were the guys who didn't know how to read past a 3rd/4th grade level. They were the guys who only knew basic math. And they were the guys who'd never been given leadership opportunities because teachers were so busy labeling them as bad and sending them to the office for random crap.

A few years ago, before rents in my neighborhood went pscyho, two Latino guys with all the requisite tattoos and wife beater shirts started sitting on my front porch. And then this kid that lived next door would be out there with them. Now, where's his mom? She's at work because she's gotta pay her rent and she has no one to watch her son after school. She figures her boy's in 4th grade, he can come home and stay in the house after school. Where's dad? Who knows, but you know, that's only a bad thing if you're poor. Rich people are single parents too and no one's shaking their head at them, even if they should.

One day I came home and these guys are on the porch with this kid, Anthony. I went to get the mail and they told me to get them a glass of water. You'd best believe my ass went to the kitchen and got them a glass of water. I was just as nice and sweet to them as could be. If I called the cops, guess what? They're going to know I called and did I really want to deal with that? Um, nope. Especially since I'd seen some of the other stuff they did to people in our neighborhood.

Anthony ended up getting kicked out of two elementary schools. Two schools, that are about .1% white and almost 100% low income. No one can tell me that the level of ineptitude and lack of academic focus that went on in his schools would be tolerated in a middle-class white neighborhood. And of course, teachers have the power to decide whether they want to believe that the kids they're teaching can really achieve or not.

In my own life, I had guidance counselors tell me I didn't need to take the SAT and I should just consider going to community college. Counselors told me I should take auto shop because I might be a great mechanic. They weren't telling any of the white kids in my Advanced Placement physics class that they should be mechanics too. Nope. Just me. And that's racism.

Now, whether I believe I should be a mechanic or not is another thing, but when you have people who've been systemically told for generations, you're inferior, well, not everyone has the ability to hear what the guidance counselor is saying and know that something in the milk ain't clean.

I've seen teachers sit around and say, "Let's face it, these kids just aren't that smart and at the most, they're going to be flipping burgers or cutting lawns." Why do these teachers say these things? Quite frankly deep down inside, they believe the kids aren't smart because they're not white.

Disagree with me if you will but I have my sister calling me last week telling me how my nephew's math teacher split up the class into a low group and a high group and all the kids in the high group are white and Asian. Guess what color all the kids in the low group are? They're the black kids. There's not one white child in the low group. And my nephew is frickin' gifted, okay? He's one of the smartest kids I've ever seen and I'm not just saying that because he's related to my brilliance!

My sister asked the teacher about this situation and the teacher got mad and did the, "How dare you call me a racist?" thing. Well, what the heck else is it when my nephew is getting an A but gets put in the low group? Just a friendly mistake? I don't think so.

My sister has the social and cultural skills to address the situation. But what happens if people are poor and uneducated and that the child comes home and says they got put in the low group for math? Well, that parent might do what my sister did and talk to the teacher and principal. But if that parent has limited English ability, they may feel incompetent. If that parent hated school and didn't do so well he/she may feel uncomfortable talking to a teacher and may think that the lack of math ability is inherited. That parent may have addiction issues or be abusive and so may not even care. Regardless of the reason, if the child is allowed to remain in the low math group, guess what? He falls behind. I don't care what teachers tell you, as someone who's been a teacher, the low group never catches up to the high group. Never.

So that kid Anthony that used to be in my building? His family ended up moving to a different building a few blocks away and I haven't seen him although I see his tag, "FACTS" all over the neighborhood. I ran into his mom the other day. Anthony's been kicked out of middle school, has been arrested several times, and is in a juvenile detention home -- where he, of course, is probably learning how to be a better criminal. His mom's just trying to hold it together for her younger daughter. She's given up hope on Anthony because, as she said, the gang owns him now.

Should she have moved heaven and earth to make sure her child didn't end up in that gang? Yes. Should Anthony have had some sort of intrinsic motivation that made him, "Just Say No," to those gang members? Some sense of right and wrong that made him say no to that pressure. Absolutely. But sadly enough, fourth graders don't always have the resources to make that decision on their own.

The only other thing I have to say is as far black folks voting racism...well, I know a lot of black people who used to love Hillary Clinton and are now are choosing to not vote for her precisely because of the racial games her campaign has played. She brought that on herself. But people voting for Barack only because he's black? Sure, some people probably are, and even though whites have done it for forever, two wrongs don't make a right. I actually think most black people voting for him are voting for him on issues and because they're inspired by him, just like all the other Obamaniacs of all colors out there.

So Hammer, thank you for sparking all these thoughts. I think about these kinds of things all the time. These issues hit me in a certain place because I look in the eyes of my sons every single day and know what this world has in store for them. I always say that people think my boys are so cute and adorable now, but in about ten years, they're going to be scared of them. I'm going to have to worry about cops pulling them over because they look suspect. I'm going to have to worry about a new generation of teachers telling them they're nothing. And I plan to fight it all tooth and nail.

I wish I didn't have to.

Assassins and Child Molesters

I didn't sleep last night. I had too much on my mind.

I was distracting myself from myself with the early morning cable news when the first report of Benazir Bhutto being assassinated came on. It's heartbreaking to see such a thing happen because she didn't deserve it. Who could think that God would bless such actions? And true, lots of people are "assassinated" by rival gangs every single day in this city and none of them deserve it either. But it matters in a different way that such a thing would happen to her at this time in history.

I still don''t know what to do with the story, what to make of all the political fallout from it. There's certainly enough political jockeying being done by those currently in power and those who are running for President in this country. But I don't know what to make of it, and so I will tell you about something else that's been on my mind, something I can not necessarily make sense of, but it's not an unfamiliar topic. In fact, I've seen it too much.

Do you remember the group B2K?

You probably don't if you aren't one to keep tabs on the ever-revolving door of pop culture, but B2K was a boy band from LA that had a string of huge hits a couple of years ago. All the teeny-bopper girls on both sides of the pond were crazy for them and they seemed to perform on every music awards show under the sun. They even made one of those dance movies that come along every once in awhile, "You Got Served".

They weren't the most stellar singers on earth but they could dance and had great production, so it worked. Here's the video for one of their biggest hits, "Bump, Bump, Bump". I remember when this song came out it was definitely a banger, and it went to #1 on Billboard, but the video creeped me out for a few reasons.

First, it features Sean Combs, also known as P.Diddy, Puffy, Puff Daddy, etc. He's creepy in his own right, but an additional creeptastic vibe was created because he's like twice the age of the teenage B2K boys. It's a really weird dynamic to watch him performing such a sexually suggestive (written by Chi-town's finest, R. Kelly) song with them.

Second, the female "dancers" in the video also seemed to have a few years on the guys. It could just be the power of makeup and hard living but the women definitely didn't seem to be 17 year-olds. Everyone wants to talk about older men and young girls, but a wink and a nod is given to younger guys and older women, like being 17 and able to pull a 21 year-old means you're some sex stud.

Third, I got to thinking about how I'd feel if those were my sons. It made me think about how I wouldn't want my sons around that industry, with all the predatory people who just seem to be absolutely morally bankrupt and just pimping folks for profit.

And then suddenly, kaput. B2K was over. The lead singer, Omarion, ended up going solo but the rest of them disappeared...until now.

A few days ago, two of the former members alleged via a YouTube video that their svengali-like manager (and cousin?), Chris Stokes, molested them and other members of the group beginning when they were pre-teens.

Many people don't know that 1 in 4 girls and 1 in 6 boys are sexually abused in this country. When I was a teacher I'd look around my classroom and know that statistically, sexual abuse had happened to at least two or three of my students. I'd look to see which ones still sucked their thumbs when they thought no one was looking, which ones danced a bit too suggestively on the playground.

When I was supervising teachers, it was always heartbreaking when one of my teachers would call and ask what they should do to work with a student they'd recently learned was being abused. It never was an easy answer.

There are a lot of folks who have had some relative, family friend, coach, pastor or stranger sexually abuse them. But folks don't talk about it. And we damn sure don't discuss how it happens to boys. I find that there is so much abuse going on that sometimes there's a "just get over it" kind of message sent to victims. Plus, there's a vibe that boys like the abuse if it happens with a woman.

But what if the alleged offender is a black male? And it's not Michael Jackson? And the victim is also a black male?

What does it mean for these young black men who were the object of a million teen girl fantasies to put a video of themselves on the internet where they allege such crimes? And one explicitly references having had anal sex performed on him?

For the young men, making such allegations is the equivalent of giving up their mythological status as a heterosexual, well hung, black male sex stud. The word "gay" rapidly started to fly around the sites that were reporting the story. LAPD began an investigation...and very few doubted that the claims weren't true. Because what black male in his right mind would want to go down the path to being considered, as the term goes, "suspect"?

Today, one of the young man from B2K recanted his allegations.

At least 20% of abused people recant so what are the adoring B2K fans to believe? Especially now that the other alleged victim has stated that the recantation is due to being rolled up on and threatened by Compton Bloods.

Yes, gang members. Sounds crazy but that makes it all quite believable to me...remember the story of Suge Knight hanging Vanilla Ice off a balcony? Yeah, not so far-fetched anymore, is it?

Al Queda or the Bloods. Take you pick. Because whether someone is an assassin or a child molester, surely both are killing someone, even if for the victim that remains alive, it's all a figurative thing.