Playing Peacemaker

In less than two weeks I'll be leaving LA and heading back to the "Greater Chicago and Northwest Indiana" area. I'm headed out for almost all of July and I'm taking the kids with me. It's going to be great to spend time so much time. I usually feel like I'm stuffing seeing everyone and everything into only a few days, so such a long trip is a real luxury.

My kids have been counting down how many days till we leave for like forever. It's our first visit in the summer and I've filled their ears with stories of the Taste of Chicago, lightning bugs and swimming in Lake Michigan. They're also looking forward to gardening with my mom, going to a water park with my sister, hearing my dad play piano and trombone, and doing whatever with all their cousins.

I'm looking forward to all that too, but now that today's Pre-K graduation is over, I'm suddenly feeling stressed out.

One, I have to get us all packed up! I've been making lists of what to take and what to leave behind for each of us because I want to try to take only one checked bag each so I don't have to pay extra fees. I think making people pay all these extra fees for everything is pretty ridiculous. However, I just don't know if one bag per person is going to be possible for my clothes and shoes for my kids.

My youngest is helping though. After his graduation today, he packed his backpack full of Legos and action figures. As far as he's concerned, he's ready!

The bigger thing I am stressed about though is that I have a bad habit of trying to play peacemaker/unifier when I go home and I need to stop it. I tend to get uncomfortable with conflict and so I always want people to "play nice" while I'm there. They may have stuff that they need to work out and I just need to respect that. I don't know why it is that I expect folks to talk and act like they have these loving, fabulous relationships just because I'm there.

You know how it is, Relative A and Relative B have long-standing issues that they could spend a couple of years in therapy over. Or, one person says they're not going over someone else's house, even if I'm there. And, I think I just need to accept that it is what it is move on from there.

What gets hard is stuff like if I mention to Relative A that I'm going to Relative B's house and then Relative A suddenly starts acting weird towards me. I've thought about trying to have a BBQ and inviting all my relatives. But will folks even show up? And, if they do show up, will they even speak?

I don't know the answer to that, but I do know I hate that the only time I see some relatives is when there's a funeral. It'd be nice to get together even if we're not saying farewell to one of our dearly departed.

Actually, I don't really care if folks want to act weird towards me or not speak to me. What I am concerned about is my kids and them being exposed to a whole new set of tensions they have no idea about and don't need to know about. They love everybody and just want to have a good time and they should get to do that.

Hmm... I love everybody and just want to have a good time too, but I'm not looking at life through the eyes of a child. Sigh. Why do some things have to be so complicated?

I know I can't be the only person who goes through this. So, tell me, how do you all navigate spending time with people you love, when the ones you love don't always seem like they love each other?

Marzipan Moments and More

Sigh.

I'm back from Santa Barbara. I got back last night and discovered that Universal Studios isn't the only thing that got a bit burned.

Yes, I forgot to apply sunscreen to myself first thing in the morning yesterday. Seeing as how I walked around in downtown Santa Barbara and on Stearn's Wharf -- all before heading to Butterfly Beach -- I am now a nice lobstery color.

It hurts and I firmly believe that sunburns make my brain stop functioning so here's some highlights from my trip in list form because I'm so exhausted that all I can think of is lists.

1) Beaches in Santa Barbara are beautiful and much cleaner than the ones in LA. I already knew that but both El Capitan and Butterfly Beaches took my breath away. If you haven't been, you should go. Butterfly Beach is a little more chi-chi than El Capitan. Butterfly is technically in Montecito (home of Oprah and a bunch of other celebrities.) But, folks are still very mellow and nice.

2) Speaking of nice people... Yesterday I chatted with an ageless looking woman laying out in an American flag bikini on the blanket next to me. She told me how her family's been in Santa Barbara for five generations. She grew up super rich, married a guy who was also super rich. And then she got most of his money in their super expensive divorce. He cheated, but she said it was ultimately a good thing because the experience made her grow up and start living in the real world.

We went to Arlington West and I talked for a long time with the veteran volunteer there. She was a wonderful woman and gave me a nice hug when talking about the war made me cry. There are 3,000 crosses laid out even though the death count is over 4,000. 3,000 crosses covers an acre and so the organizers ran out of allocated space. My sons spent some time looking at all the little pictures of soldiers who have died in the Iraq War. It broke my heart last time I was there. It breaks my heart again.

Oh, and on a totally shallow note, there were some flirtatious Italian guys at Butterfly Beach who blew me kisses and told me I looked like some sort of flower. They were hot and nice and disappointed I'm not single. My ego grew considerably because of it.

3) I got offered some weed by a hippie at Stearn's Wharf. Dude said, "Here, smell it. It smells great. You won't be disappointed."

When I politely declined, he tried to hold his handful of weed under my nose again and told me it's a shame I'm discriminating against weed since it was created by God and isn't a bad thing.

Um, sure.

Dude, that's such faulty logic. God created boa constrictors but I'm not gonna snuggle all up in the bed with one.

His van is pretty cool though. Every single surface of it is decorated. He's lived in it since his divorce in the mid '90s. He said his wife got the house so he decided to check out of the rat race. Now he lives in it and told me how he hasn't paid taxes in 14 years and is totally off the "grid".

Hmm... What if he's the ex-husband of the divorced woman I met on the beach?

4) I seriously OD'd on marzipan. I went to The Andersen's, a Danish bakery and restaurant, on both Friday and Saturday night. They have a lot of delicious marzipan desserts there. It's the only place I ever eat the stuff because it's sort of hard to find here in LA. But, it's sooo super good.

You can only eat a little bit because it's incredibly sweet and I ate it two nights in a row. Gosh, I love that marzipan at Andersen's. I can't wait to go back. And by the way, if you've never had marzipan, you should try some. It's a really old-school sort of sweet and you'll feel like you're in the Renaissance while eating it.

5) I'm actually sort of happy to be back in LA. Yes, I'll admit that I did get a little happy yesterday at around 7PM when I rounded that curve on the southbound 101, just past Cahuenga, where you suddenly can see all of Downtown LA, the Capitol Records building and the rest of Hollywood. Home is home, after all.

Actually, I got even happier after I flopped down on the couch and slathered some aloe vera gel on my sunburn.

Now I'm going to go run at the park. I need to work off some of that marzipan!

Santa Barbara Adventures

I've made up my mind. Starting today, I'm no longer a Los Angeles resident. Buh-bye Prius-driving hipsters that cut you off and then give you the finger! I'm done with all y'all because I'm moving up the coast to Santa Barbara.

Yes, I know. I need to work out the long term details (note to self: buy lottery ticket) but in the meantime I might just refuse to vacate my hotel.

And why should I leave? This room has got a super comfortable bed. The shower has fantastic water pressure and one of those awesome massaging shower heads. There's free breakfast, and when I walk outside, my hotel is somewhere in the picture you see above, so clearly, it's breathtakingly gorgeous. Thank you for borrowing money from China giving me a tax rebate check, U.S. Government!

Seriously though, I can't tell you how much I've been looking forward to this weekend. It feels really good to be here. I've blogged several times about how much I adore Santa Barbara, but as I drove up the coast this afternoon, I realized that this trip is the very first time I'm coming here just to relax. For the very first time, I'm not here primarily for a conference or for work. I'm just here to have a little getaway with la famille.

Although the beaches here are incredibly picturesque, I've never done more than stick my feet in the water. Truth be told, even when I go to the beach in LA, I never get in the water. Heck, I'm not even one to lounge around on a blanket in the sand. And it's all because I put on a swimsuit and say, "There is no way in hell that I am going out in public looking like a fat cow, especially when Halle Berry might jog by."

However, I decided at around 5 AM this morning that I'm over it and it's all because of my kids. I overheard them chatting in their room last night about how excited they were to come here and how they really wanted to go to the beach but probably wouldn't get to, "Because Mommy thinks she's too fat to go."

I felt really bad when I heard that because I try to be really positive about my body around them. They see me sweating like a maniac to that Jillan Michaels DVD and they know I go and run at the park almost every day. I don't say, "Mommy's exercising because she's fat." Nope, I tell them it's because exercising is what healthy people do and because I want to have more energy to keep up with them. Clearly though, my sons are no dummies and they know me better than I think they do.

With all this in mind, this morning I said, eff it, I'm going to the beach and instead of wearing shorts and a t-shirt, I'm gonna wear a swimsuit!

At first I tried to track down my old swimsuit but I seriously could not find it. The poor thing probably disintegrated from lack of use. Sooo, I had no choice but to take myself swimsuit shopping. EEK!

I don't have to tell you how traumatizing the lighting in the dressing room is. It makes you want to cut to the front of Hollywood liposuction line! But, I persevered through trying on about two dozen different swimsuits and I finally decided on a very cute RED number. I'm still shocked that I picked something that's not so-called "slimming" black, but I figured if I was going to go for it, I'd be damned if I was gonna do the stereotypical black swimsuit with slimming tummy panels that fits so tight you can barely breath.

In the morning the plan is to go check out the Santa Barbara Mission -- I'm pretty excited because I've never been to a California Mission and this one is old-school, founded in 1786! After that, we're heading to the Rose Cafe for lunch. Any die-hard Depeche Mode fan will certainly recognize this place. (Hint: look at your Exciter CD and then look at the back of this photo on the right side.)

Then, in the afternoon we're going to either Butterfly Beach or El Capitan Beach and my new red swimsuit will make it's debut! I already bought a trashy beach book to read and if the writing gets too tedious, I can work on my list of things I want.

Trust me, "I want to move to Santa Barbara," is going to be somewhere near the top!

Hanging Out With Well-Read, Beautiful People

Since I'm out in Indiana, maybe I should be putting up the picture of me hanging out in a cornfield, but instead, here's me and my more lovely accomplice, my mom.

My mom is one of the most avid readers I know and has one of the best collections of books I've ever had the privilege of seeing. So, it's natural that we'd go and hang out in a bookstore, especially one where I can simultaneously acquire crack a soy chai with a shot of sugar free vanilla. She's also very beautiful so, I'm telling you, I had to beat the guys off of her!

Today we're taking a day-trip to a place called Amish Acres. It's a 125 year old Amish homestead. I can't think of anyplace more different than Los Angeles, so I'm really excited. We even get to go on a covered wagon ride! Clearly, it doesn't take much to get me excited, huh?

Anyway, I hope you are also spending your last day of August with well-read, beautiful people.

Ready To Relax

YEE-HAW!

Don't worry, I haven't migrated to Texas.

Nope. I'm just celebrating the fact that crazy.busy.work.week number two is almost over...only a few more hours to go! Can I say it again?

YEE-HAW!

Undoubtedly, these past couple of weeks have been really hard, but I tell you, it's been worth it. The teachers I am privileged to work with are going to make such a huge difference in the educational futures of kids in this city. That means a whole lot to me. I care so much, too much perhaps, about making sure that we have educational equity, making sure that all kids have a teacher that's going to work hard and push them academically. It's important and it has to happen. All kids, regardless of the color of their skin or the zip code they live in, deserve to be taught like they're attending an elite private school.

Yes, it's tiring, working so much, caring so deeply.. I'm not going to lie...the dark circles have gotten out of hand this week. But you know, other than writing, I seriously can't think of another worthy cause that merits my busting out the heavy-duty MAC concealer! What did folks do before it was invented? (And men, a little concealer could really be a good friend to your dark circles.)

Anyway, I have to say it again: YEE-HAW!!! Tomorrow I'll be spending time with dear friends and heading to the bookstore to get something to read during my four days off. I miss books. It's so weird but I haven't read anything in three weeks.

Any literary suggestions for me?

Stopping Sunrise...I Wish

I want to stop time. I don't want tomorrow to come. I'm dreading it. Can I stop the sun from rising?

What is tomorrow? Tomorrow is my first day back at work after two weeks of vacation. I'm glad I took the time off because it took me almost a week of not going to work before I stopped waking up at 5:45 in the morning without an alarm clock. Having time off has helped me relax, and I swear, I'm going to start doing yoga or something to try to be less stressed out because by this past Thursday, I started mentally reviewing my to-do list. My insomnia bounced right back.

Being on vacation has also meant that I've spent a bunch of time with my two sons. It makes me feel like I might vomit, or cry, (or do both simultaneously) the next time someone says, "Wow, I don't know how you do it all!"

The truth is, I can't do it all. I try but I'm not superwoman. And, I'd be fooling myself if I couldn't admit that I can see a positive difference in my sons since we've gotten to talk and play and go to the park every day. They are usually such good boys and so sweet, but they seem happier than ever, more relaxed. They've stopped asking me if I have to go to meetings or if I have to work all the time. It breaks my heart when they do that. I don't want them doing that anymore, vacation or not.

What else does tomorrow have in store for me? Well, tomorrow is also the first anniversary of my brother's suicide. My brother and I weren't particularly close, but that doesn't make it any easier. I worry about calling my mom and dad tomorrow. I worry about how they're doing.

It's been hard over the past year to have this conversation:

Do you have brothers and sisters?
Yes.
How many?
One brother, one sister.
Oh, what do they do?
My sister is a deputy sheriff...and my brother is...well, he's deceased.
Oh. Sorry to hear that.

Then there's a palpable awkwardness. I hate that awkwardness.

Sometimes I've found myself flat out responding that my brother committed suicide. Sometimes I've felt like such a liar to just say he was deceased when it really it's felt like so much more than that. No matter how I slice it, people don't know what to say in response.

Tomorrow the sun will rise. I will go to work, put a pretty smile on my face and pretend that I'm so happy to be there. I'll say a prayer for my brother's soul. I'll tell myself that my sons are lucky to have such a hard-working mommy as a role model of what women can achieve. I'll say, "Fine. How about you?" in response to the casual queries of how my day is going.

Somehow the day will pass without my heart breaking a little bit...I think.