Spam Promises: Where Are My Lottery Winnings?

It's a slow Saturday night in the big city.

Maybe I'm just depressed that Notre Dame is now 1-7 thanks to this afternoon's massacre by USC, but tonight's so slow that I'm watching Bill O'Reilly and perusing the spam in my Gmail account.

Yeah, it's that bad. But the spam is sort of entertaining!

According to my junk email, my life is going to get better because I am:
1) getting richer and
2) getting a bigger penis.

Let's talk about the penis first: Jordan B. Thayer sent me a message promising me, "You won't believe your eyes when you see your new penis size!"

Jordan isn't alone in her confidence that she can make my penis grow. It seems there are a whole lot of other folks who also believe they've got just what I need to get something sprouting down there. Apparently, Vicky M. Coker, Earnestine M. Nava, and Misty T. Dickey (uh-huh) have some solutions for me as well.

The problem is --and gosh, how can I explain this to Jordan and friends? I'm just really not sure how can I make my penis grow bigger when I, ahem, don't even have a penis.

At least Jordan's right when she (or is it a he?) says I won't believe my eyes. If it happens, if I start sprouting a penis...well, gosh, who knows what kind of crazy things I might be inclined to do!

Even if the penis growing turns out to be a bust, at least I'll be rich! Guess what everybody? I've won $1 million pounds!

Yes, I've won the UK National Lottery! And I didn't even have to enter. No dropping dollars on a quick pick for Saturday night's SuperLotto Plus drawing for me! Nope, my email address was randomly selected as a winner. Aren't I lucky?

The only downside I can see is that I can't really say I'm a millionaire thanks to the pesky US dollar not being what it used to be, but gosh, money is money! Maybe I'll have enough after exchange rates and taxes for a down payment on a piece of overpriced real estate in my neighborhood.

All I have to do is send every stitch of info about myself to a Dr. Pinkett Griffin at his Yahoo address. I especially can't forget my bank account info and social security number.

I feel sorry for Dr. Griffin though. I guess he has to use the Yahoo address because his official UK National Lottery address is having problems.

Maybe it's been clogged up by email spam.