What Will Her Baby "Be"?

I keep thinking about a conversation I had on Wednesday with a dear friend who's pregnant. This is the friend I'm going to knit the baby blanket for, but to preserve her anonymity, I'll call her... Martha. How's that for a nice, anonymous name?

Martha is like me. She's also half black and half Irish, and, like me, identifies as being both black and biracial. Despite both being told at various times in our lives that we talk "white" or act "white", neither of us have ever identified as white. We like being black and neither of us is totally crazy.

No wait, that's not true! A dozen years ago on an American Airlines flight out of Birmingham, Alabama, I told my seat mate that I was white. He was an older white gentleman who chose to try to strike up the, "I'll bet your people are just so proud of that Barack Obama Tiger Woods, aren't ya?" conversation.

"What do you mean?" I replied.

"Y'know. 'Cause he's a black fella playing golf. Not to many of y'all black folks playing golf, now are there?" I remember he laughed and slapped his knee.

That's when my 23 year-old sort-of-crazy self decided to say, "Yeah... Tiger's great. As a white woman, I admire everything he's accomplished. It's amazing."

You can imagine how that stopped the laughter. "Whadda ya mean? You're not a white woman! Just look at yerself!"

I gave him my best, OMG, how could you say that I'm not white, I'm sooo shocked look, and said to the man, "Well, my daddy's white and you know, according to the old European patrilineal descent laws, that means I'm white." Then I calmly gave him my dazzling "How ya like me now!" smile.

He pushed the flight attendant button and asked to have his seat changed.

And that's the only time I've ever told someone that I'm white. Doing so in this country is completely unacceptable. We like our one drop rule here and it keeps us comfortable because that's the way it's always been. Black is black, as folks like to say.

In case someone takes me bringing all this up as a sign that I want to be white because of deeply ingrained self-hate, nooo, that's not the case. I just find how we rub along with these man-made racial definitions pretty fascinating and sometimes I like to push buttons just to see what happens. Plus, I've never "bought" that acknowledging and loving my Irish heritage means that I don't want to be black. Gosh, we're brainwashed, aren't we?

Anyway, my girlfriend, Martha, got married late last year to an awesome guy who's also Irish. They came out from NYC for a quick visit this week and of course we got to talking about the baby. She started telling me how she's thinking a whole lot lately about what the baby's going to look like and of course, this led to a conversation about race and what's the baby going to be identified as. "Be", as in, what race the baby is going to be.

Some people might think it's a silly thing to think about because a pregnant woman should just be thinking about delivering a healthy baby, but, again, this is America. We have race on the brain all the time, as evidenced by the fact that we're once more living in the days of the never ending discussion about whether or not Obama's actually black, even though he self-identifies as black.

Martha's going to have a baby that's essentially 3/4 Irish and 1/4 Grenadian. Clearly the baby's going to navigate it's own identity, but what does Martha do as a mother when she'll be required to "assign" an identity to her child? Or when other folks try to assign that identity? Does she adhere to the one drop rule which says that one drop of black blood equals black? Does she go old-school and say that her baby is a quadroon? Does she say that the baby is bi-racial, or does she say that her baby is white?

I think Martha's leaning toward seeing her baby as being black. And indeed, to claim blackness is something to be proud of, even if, sadly enough, it really isn't seen as something desirable in our culture. But, Martha was also talking about how, depending on what the baby looks like, she can see it going around saying, "I'm black!" and getting some crazy stares. We both know folks who have experienced this, folks who strongly identify as black, despite looking "white". Yeah, those are the folks who usually get told fun stuff like that they only claimed to be black so they could get an admissions edge at college.

Thinking about all this feels like trying to make sense out of system that's insane. I told Martha how the baby will have to find its own way, carve out its own identity, but that ultimately, the baby's "race" is going to be the least important thing about it when it's born. It's going to be a beautiful baby because it'll be loved and cherished.

But really, I don't have any easy answers for all this. Do you? What do you think?

Before Eighteen

I am on thought overload this evening.

I seriously can't focus on any of the things I want to blog about. You can expect some posts in the near future about: why almost all of the black men in my family are dead and the women aren't, lynching, the latest zogby poll questions I got in my email, Stanford University's tuition changes, recurring dreams and whether you'd stay with someone who cheats... but it's just not flowing tonight. I can't focus my writing because I have too much to think about.

My saving grace is that I have been tagged by I Am Not Star Jones (love that name btw) over at The Unemployment Cafe. Here are the rules:

1. Post these rules before presenting your list.
2. List 6 actions or achievements you think every person should accomplish before turning 18.
3. There are no conditions on what can be included on the list.
4. At the end of your blog, choose 6 people to get tagged and list their names.
5. People who are tagged write their own blog entry with their 6 suggestions.
6. Don’t forget to leave them a comment telling them they’re tagged.

This is a hard one for me because my main focus from ages 12-17 was doing really well in high school so that I could get into a top college and get enough scholarships/financial aid to attend. I didn't think accomplishing much else was absolutely essential. Everything else was a nice to have. I still think doing well in school and getting into a top college is the job of a teenager. But, I'll give this a go:

1) Read a book a week: I know, it sounds daunting but being literate is one of the best gifts you can give yourself. And heck, you have no kids, no rent or mortgage to pay, and if you tell your mom you can't wash dishes right now because you're reading and right at the exciting part of the story, guess what, your mom isn't going to complain. She'll be too busy saying, "Thank you, Jesus! My baby is reading instead of messing around with boys!"

Oh, and try to pick up real books instead of the "street-lit" type books. And if anyone tries to give you a book by Zane, run!

2) Be Child and Disease Free: I know some of you might be saying, "Turning 18 and not being a teen mother and not having chlamydia is an accomplishment?"

Um, I hate to break it to you but in some parts of the world it is. I was one of a handful of black girls to graduate from my high school without a baby and I 100% credit that to keeping my legs closed. Do I think white girls weren't getting pregnant? Nope, I think they were. I just know they were having abortions. Black teens didn't have the money for that though. And so they had babies, put off dreams of college, and on and on.

Maybe teens nowadays are so much savvier and know all about safer sex and so are not worried about this at all. But then again, there's Jamie Lynn Spears. Oh and let's not forget about "Juno". I hate how Juno makes it look like a friendly white family (or single mom) is going to adopt your baby. But guess what, if you're black, your baby probably isn't getting adopted if you give it up. Nope, unless you can find a way to make "South Side of Chicago" sound like an exotic African locale, your baby will be in that orphanage or foster home for a long time.

And I don't know why folks try to sugar coat it for teenagers but I can't tell you how many folks I knew in high school that had to get treated for gross stuff like gonorrhea of the throat. You show people a picture of that mess and they will not even think of having sex. Yeah, maybe #2 should have been called keep your legs closed and your mouth off of people's privates... trust me, you will have plenty of time for all that later.

Anyway, now that we're all grossed out, moving right along!

3) Eat, Pray, Exercise: When you're a svelte teen you never think you're going to turn into a contestant on the Biggest Loser. But you will if you eat junk and don't exercise. So learn to eat properly and learn to love exercise because both will keep you from leading a life where you're either fat or constantly yo-yo dieting. If you can pick up a sport that you can stick with, that's even better. Gosh, there's so many soccer leagues in LA, an adult could play every day of the week if they wanted to. But it's hard to come into it as an adult and say, "I know nothing about soccer. Teach me!"

And the prayer will help you your entire life, so connect with God early on and figure out what it is you believe instead of blindly following tradition.

4) Volunteer and be of service: I think all teens should have to volunteer in a homeless shelter, a home for the elderly and with kids younger than themselves.

Teens need to learn compassion and understand that they could end up in the homeless shelter or in an old folks home. Plus, working with kids younger than themselves gives them the chance to be a responsible role model and learn how to develop leadership skills.

5) Develop organizational systems: Learn to keep a schedule with a to-do list. Learn how to prioritize the things you need to accomplish. Develop the habit of doing the "big rocks" first instead of putting them off till later.

There are so many disorganized people in the world and it just makes your life more difficult as you get older. This doesn't mean a teen has to get married to a Franklin Covey planner or spend a ton of money on some big binder. I used Chandler's assignment notebooks for years and they only cost $6.

6) Never have a drink: I know every teen movie has the scene where everybody's having a blast and is trashed. But those teen movies don't show the addiction, the fatal car crashes, the rapes and the violence. There's too much of that with teens.

I remember in high school I walked in on a friend about to be gang-raped by a group of guys we both knew. She was completely drunk and passed out. They tried to force me out of the room but I raised hell and got her out of there. I always thought about how if I'd been drinking too, those five guys would have raped her and maybe me too.

I think the reason they didn't try to rape me was because one of them was a third or fourth cousin of mine... He could never hold his head up around me again.

So that's my six things. Now, to pass this on to six fantastic bloggers:

-1969
-If I Only Had a Blog
-Jali's House
-Gunfighter
-Healthier, Happier You
-Bygbaby
and...
-Black Fire White Fire

I can't wait to read what they write.

Ten Questions

It's been a long week and I'm feeling grateful to get to Friday. It's such a luxuriously slow night that I'm thinking about all the random things I've wondered about this week. I can't help but wonder:

1) Why oh why did The View hire Sheri Shepard and her wig collection?


2) Whatever happened to that Runaway Bride girl? Remember her, the bug-eyed one?


4) Why are 70% of black women single?

5) How come I'm not independently wealthy and living in a villa in the south of France?


6) Why do people still try to say Barack Obama is a Muslim? And if it turned out he was a Muslim, do you think most of those who are his supporters would still be in his camp?


7) Today I was really grateful for that "free" Rolling Stone subscription. How does Johnny Depp stay so ridiculously hot?

8) Why oh why is there going to be a Flavor of Love Three?
9) Why do I think all the other nations in the world are going to form a conspiracy, call in all the US debt all at once, and humble us for real?


10) How in the world did Christina Aguilera and Nicole Ritchie both have babies today? It just doesn't seem like Christina has been pregnant that long, and now that Nicole has had the baby, will she go back to looking skeletal?Yes, it's that kind of night. But if you have the answers to these or any other profoundly important questions, please let me know.

Jamie Lynn Spears: Statutory Rape?

Wowzer, 2007 is really going out with a bang!

If you haven't heard by now, Jamie Lynn Spears, Britney's little sister is pregnant.

I didn't see in the news how many soldiers died in Iraq today but I know all the sordid details of her pregnancy, particularly that Jamie Lynn is 16. I guess they've had Madonna's "Papa Don't Preach" on heavy rotation in that household.

I'd love to know where the condom was but good for Jamie Lynn that's she's decided to keep her baby. Really, I don't know why some in the media are acting like the girl's life is finished. I'm sure there are thousands of other 16 year-olds out there that are pregnant and they don't have the resources Jamie Lynn Spears has at their disposal.

Right now, I'm watching MSNBC where they're buzzing about whether Jamie Lynn's TV show on Nickelodeon, Zoey 101, is going to be canceled because of her pregnancy. After all, her image is supposed to be squeaky clean. They're debating whether or not Nickelodeon can legally fire her from the show and if they do, wouldn't that be some sort of wrongful termination or discrimination on the basis of her being pregnant?

I don't know about all that. I'm just waiting for these talking heads to bring up the fact that the father of her baby, her boyfriend, Casey Aldridge, is 19.

She's 16. He's 19.

So, isn't Casey having sex with Jamie Lynn statutory rape? Shouldn't someone be rolling up to handcuff him and cart Casey off to the big house? Or do laws like that only apply when black teenage boys like Genarlow Wilson get teenage girls to give them blow jobs on New Year's Eve?

Yes, 17 year-old Genarlow got ten years for having consensual oral sex with a 15 year-old girl. Just imagine how many years prison he would have gotten if that 15 year-old had gotten pregnant. Heck, he might have gotten life in prison or something.

Genarlow just got released this year, at the age of 21.

Since America is the land of equal opportunity, shouldn't Casey Aldridge get the opportunity to make friends with a jail cell?

I'm sure it'll never happen. After all, Casey's a nice boy from her church. No way he deserves to go to jail with hardened criminals, right?