Thirteen Strangest Search Terms

I love checking out the search terms that lead people to my blog. A lot of people this week stumbled onto this site while looking for info on natural hair, Depeche Mode and the Techno Twins, Slad and Vider. I'm still loving Slad and Vider. I think that should win some sort of commercial of the year award.

Sometimes though, the search terms just get flat out incomprehensible, weird and bizarre. Therefore, in honor of Thursday Thirteen, here are the thirteen strangest searches, verbatim, that people used in the past day to find this blog.

Thirteen Strangest Search Terms That Led You To My Blog

1) what can I do to stop from sweating in the crouch? Gosh, that's a great question! I didn't know that a "crouch" could sweat. I thought a "crouch" was something you do while hiding behind something. But if you mean "crotch" well... I hear if you botox it, you'll stop sweating down there. But do you really want to botox your crotch, I mean your "crouch"? I think that could cause you loads of other problems.

2) love sweating hot weather - Wow, folks are super concerned about sweating! But this searcher isn't trying to stop sweating. Oh noes, he loves it. To tell you the truth, in my world, the words "love" and "sweating" don't belong in the same sentence. I don't love to sweat. It's a necessary bodily function, and besides, I don't sweat. I perspire.

3) african black soap lighteners - This is another combination of words that does not need to be together in a search engine box. What is wrong with you? Oh, sorry, that was a totally rhetorical question because baby, I know. Internalized racism is what's wrong with you! Please, just use soap to cleanse your face, not to strip away your beautiful color. Stop trying to turn yourself into Michael Jackson!

4) cats bad luck to voodoo -
The grammar problems with this one have me confused. What are you really trying to find out? Do you want a cat-shaped voodoo doll? Is this an inquiry into whether having cats will prevent your voodoo spell from working? Or do you want to know if you drop a cat on your evil boss' desk whether or not she'll suddenly break a leg and have to be out of the office for six weeks? All I'll say is that it's no longer the middle ages. We are an edumacated populace these days and no longer have to rely on the superstitious notions of the past. Now go read your horoscope!

5) "non driver" los angeles - I can tell you've never been to this city. Being a non-driver in LA is not fun. Just splurge for a rental car because otherwise, you get to wait out in the hot sun for an overcrowded bus. Then once you get on the bus, there are scary toothless people who try to offer you money for blow jobs... and there are teenagers. Quite frankly, I'm more afraid of the teenagers.

6) is prostitution cheating? - First of all, are you friends with the person who's looking for...

7) to pick up prostitutes in los angeles? Second, do you really need to use a search engine to answer these questions? Seriously? All I can say is go ahead and do it, and then check back here to see what your wife searches for online after you call her from jail to say, "Honey, I just got picked up by the LAPD but it was a total mistake! I just offered to give that poor, scantily dressed, disease-ridden woman a ride home!"

Yes, I am assuming the person who searched for this is male because women just don't ask dumb questions like this. Really, we don't.

8) hipster mom - Are you searching for this because you want to be a hipster mom? Believe me, it's a lot more difficult to be a hipster mom here in LA than it is in... Wasilla, Alaska. And in case you're one of the guys giving up prostitute hunting and attempting a l'il hipster mom seduction, yes, I know you took your hipster mom target to a trendy cafe and proceeded to compliment her tattoos and her skunk-hair dye job. But you see, the seduction went overboard when you lied and said she looks amazing in skinny jeans and like she's never even been preggers. She's a hipster mom, fool, not a total idiot!

9) sexy motivation jokes - Is there such a thing as a sexy motivation joke? I didn't know that. Oh, wait, is this what Sarah Palin's doing when she winks at the audience? You betcha!

10) rubbing butts together - I know you're only searching for this because you've heard about how much more heating oil is gonna cost this winter and you're looking for cheaper ways to stay warm. Yes, bodily friction can heat you up, but I'm just not sure if rubbing butts together is really the best way to get warmer. But hey, what do I know? I'm just a girl named Los Angelista who'll be sitting outside in a t-shirt when it's -4 degrees for you.

11) big butt show anali - In case you didn't know, Anali is a fabulous blogger. She's always writing about something delicious that I really want to eat. I want her to fly across the country and make me some muffins. But I've never written about her, ahem, buns. Really, I hereby swear on my cat-shaped voodoo doll that I have never, never written about Anali's butt.

12) cellulite mariah carey - Poor Mariah. She dieted and exercised like crazy this year and folks still want to talk about some ripples on her backside. Really, you really wanna see some cellulite that bad? OK. Go to a full length mirror. Take off all your clothes. Yes, I said take 'em all off. That does mean the cotton granny panties have to come off too. Alright, turn around so that your behind is facing the mirror. Now, look over your shoulder. What do you see? Uh huh. That's what I thought!

But we're not through yet, oh no! There's one last thing! Bounce your booty up and down for me and let's sing the Jello song: "Watch it wiggle, see it jiggle, cool and fruity..."

13) polygamist couple halloween costume - Because dressing up as a Napoleon and his wife Josephine is sooo last year, right? And, correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't the very word "polygamist" imply more than a couple of people? Shouldn't you be searching for "polygamist trio Halloween costume"? Or maybe go whole hog and get a polygamist sextet going. That'll really win the costume contest!

Whew, that's my thirteen! I'm including the links from the searches in case you don't believe me that folks actually came here via searches for this stuff! Trust me, I know I'm a little crazy and I only slept two hours last night, but even I couldn't make up stuff this good. And I know it may seem Big Brotherish to some of you that I can look and see what someone typed into a search engine to find my blog, but my goodness, isn't the comedy relief worth it?

Get the Thursday Thirteen code here!

The purpose of the meme is to get to know everyone who participates a little bit better every Thursday. Visiting fellow Thirteeners is encouraged! If you participate, leave the link to your Thirteen in others' comments. It’s easy, and fun! Trackbacks, pings, comment links accepted!


Anonymous said…
You would catch me on a day when that -4 deg. is looking warm.
Liz Dwyer said…
LOL! When it's -4, I'll do almost anything to stay warm. I don't miss that sort of weather!

Very weird! I would have included, "just going to pop you under the dryer," in my list, but it sounded SO serial-killer-ish. Ah, search engines!
Anonymous said…
Los Angelista,
Wow. This was rich! I laughed so hard. Thank you for the best moments of the day.
Rubbing butts??? For what affect, I wonder.
Is prostitution cheating?! LOL. Finding your personal life-perspectives and morality with the quick yahoo search, lol.
The Hipster Mom one made since though; isn’t that you anyway? Your readers think so!
But you didn’t reveal why/how those expressions would turn up your blog. That would be interesting.
Oh, and as far as guy #7, I hope you answered him ‘cause that’s easy. Figueroa St., go south from about Gage Ave, go slow and take yer pick until about El Segundo where it tapers off…
Toni Campbell said…
searches for karrine stefans and video vixen bring the most people to my blog because i reviewed her books (yes, i read them). and a lot of those searches come from morehouse college. our future leaders at work!
Jennifer Chasse said…
How crazy. I check mine sometimes too and they are just as crazy... who are these people searching for "santa death traps" and how did that lead them to my blog?
Tafari said…
If you saw mine, you would trip out. Maybe not. Most are x-rated. LOL

Jameil said…
people are crazy. but mostly nasty!
Liz Dwyer said…
The search engines may pull the individual words from a page that's totally not about that topic. They just search for key words. I am not fully a Hipster Mom because I lack tattoos or 1950's style eyeglasses. I also refuse to leave the house in flip flops or a sundress sans bra. And oh yes, many a day I have seen our special friends out on Fig. I wrote about it one day and so that's why I get a bunch of hits about prostitutes in LA.

Those Morehouse kids! What are they thinking??? I skimmed the 1st one in Barnes & Noble. The second one I passed on.

Santa death traps? Oh wow. That's really, really weird.

I believe you! LOL! The weirdest ones on mine are a little on the risque side. The terms pulled from some of these searches, you'd think I write about booty all the time.

Yes, they are crazy. And totally nasty. And you know half of them are at work searching for this mess. Stoopid!
these are hilarious.

I get a bunch of searches for "Giada De Laurentiis boobs" weird.
Liz Dwyer said…
Now that's funny! Oh my! :)
Unknown said…
Really fun! Thanks!
Anonymous said…
Those are great! Sometimes I can figure out why a bizarre search term led to my blog, but other times it is acomplete mystery to me.
Lisa Johnson said…
Thanks for the sweet words and for not writing about my butt! : )

I get some crazy search terms too. I think it's so funny when I get people who are SO not looking for anything even remotely found on my blog, but they stay on reading anyway!
April said…
As a new reader to your blog, clearly, I've missed some fun ones!
Liz Dwyer said…
It was fun to look at them. I don't too often so it was bizarre to see some of them!

Some of them are a complete mystery to me as well. I guess it proves that search engines are not completely goof-proof!

LOL! I'm sure, if it came down to it, that I would have nothing but good things to say about your butt! :)

Welcome to my blog! I should do this one again sometime because it definitely made me laugh ALOT!
Shiona said…
Wow, they are all so varied. That is an interesting thing to look into even if they are a little over the deep end

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