Death of a Friendship
Someone I consider a good friend has not spoken to me in months and months and I do not know why. I call her and my call always goes to voice mail. I email her and the emails go unanswered.
Initially I thought she might just be busy and not have the time to call me back or write back. I can understand that on some levels because I am notorious for being slow to call people back or return their emails, simply because I dislike the impatience the modern age breeds in us all. When we email someone, we act like they're sitting in front of their computer with nothing else to do but reply to our email. We want a reply within the hour!
If two days go by we want to know, "Why hasn't this person responded?" But I grew up hooked to 19th century British literature, where the characters wait for replies that are given thoughtfully and with detail, so if it takes someone a week or two to reply, I understand.
But to not reply in months and months? That is more than being busy.
When I think back, I'm trying to figure out if there is something I may have said or done to offend her. Truly, I cannot think of anything, but that doesn't mean there isn't something I might have said or done to cause hurt feelings. It just seems that one of the rules of friendship should be that you tell your friends when they are getting on your nerves or when they've said or done something to hurt your feelings.
Some people revel in some sort of self-righteous victim hood, ever happy to go on and on about how offended they are that someone said or did something to them, and if you make up with your friend, you lose the luxury of attention paid to you when retelling the, "Can you believe she said/did that to me?" I do not think that sort of thing is my friend, but as time passes, speculation ensues.
I have also thought that it might not be something I said or did at all. Sometimes people go through things in their lives where they retreat into themselves, either out of embarrassment about whatever they are going through, or else they are depressed and truly can't communicate with others. If it's hard to talk about what you're going through, sometimes you just stop talking to other people at all.
Sometimes people grow apart and it is what it is. But at what point do I stop calling? At what point do I give up?
Initially I thought she might just be busy and not have the time to call me back or write back. I can understand that on some levels because I am notorious for being slow to call people back or return their emails, simply because I dislike the impatience the modern age breeds in us all. When we email someone, we act like they're sitting in front of their computer with nothing else to do but reply to our email. We want a reply within the hour!
If two days go by we want to know, "Why hasn't this person responded?" But I grew up hooked to 19th century British literature, where the characters wait for replies that are given thoughtfully and with detail, so if it takes someone a week or two to reply, I understand.
But to not reply in months and months? That is more than being busy.
When I think back, I'm trying to figure out if there is something I may have said or done to offend her. Truly, I cannot think of anything, but that doesn't mean there isn't something I might have said or done to cause hurt feelings. It just seems that one of the rules of friendship should be that you tell your friends when they are getting on your nerves or when they've said or done something to hurt your feelings.
Some people revel in some sort of self-righteous victim hood, ever happy to go on and on about how offended they are that someone said or did something to them, and if you make up with your friend, you lose the luxury of attention paid to you when retelling the, "Can you believe she said/did that to me?" I do not think that sort of thing is my friend, but as time passes, speculation ensues.
I have also thought that it might not be something I said or did at all. Sometimes people go through things in their lives where they retreat into themselves, either out of embarrassment about whatever they are going through, or else they are depressed and truly can't communicate with others. If it's hard to talk about what you're going through, sometimes you just stop talking to other people at all.
Sometimes people grow apart and it is what it is. But at what point do I stop calling? At what point do I give up?
Comments
If she is going through some kind of problem or depression she could shoot an email and let you know she is going through a hard time right now.
Too just disappear is strange.
One of my friends would leave me short messages on myspace and send me e-mail with encouraging words. She didn't know what I was going through and she also knew she didn't do anything that might cause us to not be friends.
She sent me an e-mail recently and I gave her my new number. She called me and we spoke as if we were communicating all this time.
Like you said maybe she is going through something. I would suggest you keep sending her messages and eventually she will come around.
I lost a friend because of this. And it was my fault. She said something that hurt my feelings and even though I knew I was overreacting and that under normal circumstances what she'd said wouldn't have bothered me, I stopped returning her calls and now haven't spoken to her in over two years. I want to call her, but at this point am too embarassed to do so.
It's just too simple to send an email or leave a voicemail saying "I'm in the thick of it right now but I'll be back around soon."
I wouldn't contact her again.
~*
I am 8 months pregnant and a friend has not contacted me in 4 months. Occasionally she sends an email saying she knows I am busy so has not called or visited. (We live 10 minutes from each other.) As far as I can tell this began when I did not tell tell her I was pregnant until I reached the four month mark. She was upset and accused me of being secretive. When she had her last baby 2 years ago she voluntarily told me as soon as she got the positive pregnacy test. I used to visit often, dropping by with food, baby stuff.
I am just the kind of person who is very private about certain things, only my DH and I knew those first 4 months, not even family. I hoped my friend would simply accept me as I am. Surely there are worse things? But I guess she didn't.
My mother, grandmother and god-mother all were diagnosed with cancer within a month and two weeks time frame. Through all of this, I lost my grandmother and my eleven year relationship around the same time...people couldn't understand why I couldn't "shake it off". One friend told me, "Every time I talk to you, you sound sad...I want to talk to you when you are happy" I stopped calling her and or accepting her calls{hey, I wasn't "happy"}. I was very much depressed and thought I had a friend I could lean on, but I was wrong.
Nonetheless, your situation is different as you say, you can't recall any thing that transpired. So,I still say again, "It doesn't have to be about you".
Don't call again until Xmas or New Years...and when you do tell her that you are there if she needs you [if you truly will be]
As for thinking about what you said I do that a lot. I am working at not over analyzing what I type.
I really cant tell you what to do in this situation, just do whatever you feel is best for you.
When I read this, it brought to mind a friend I've decided is a bit like a feral cat. She comes and goes when she wants, and doesn't explain herself.
The last time this happened, it was right after she'd suggested me as a teacher in a program. I taught one 8-week class and decided that the particular venue was too stressful for me to continue. So I felt I let her down right about the time she disappeared for a while. Luckily, I learned that she evaporated from a mutual friends' life too.
She'd lost a dear family member, is prone to depressions, etc. She contacted me after about 8 months.
I understand that in your case, this is a new and unusual event. But I fall into the camp that says you may assume it has less to do with you than with her.
Look at all the thoughtful advice you received. It's heartwarming.
I'm having one of those "I Hate Firefox" moments. I replied to ALL your comments and then, of course, right when I was about to hit publish, Firefox crashed. Great, just great!
It's been such a busy couple of days and I wish I had time now to reply individually to each, but I don't. I will say though that you all have given me some GREAT food for thought from all perspectives. I truly appreciate it.
And Anonymous @ 1:21 PM, you made me LAUGH SO HARD. Oh goodness, that was FUNNY!
ROFL!!! So true! Guilty as charged.
I think friendships are harder to maintain now. We are more distracted, more overwhelmed and in many ways, have less to say.
((hug))
You present such a 'together' 'confident' front that she probably couldn't imagine that you were upset.
All you can really do is wish your friend well and hopefully accept her should she turn up again. Sometimes people go through thingsin life and they feel they Can Not reach back to their friends. If that is the case, it really isn't about you... it's just their state of mind.