The Break Up

The "boyfriend" of my trifling downstairs neighbor has discovered her infidelities.

I use the term boyfriend very loosely because I honestly thought he was just one of her more frequent puff-puff-pass associates. But I have changed my mind because of his drunken (or drug induced?) antics outside our building last night.

Methinks a once in awhile jump off would not be drunkenly yelling at 1:30 AM, "Skanketta, let me in!"

Skanketta did not obligingly open the door and instead took to screaming profanities out the window and dropping profound tidbits such as, "Get it through your motherf***ing head! I don't want you anymore!"

Boyfriend didn't agree that he should vacate the premises so he took to banging on the door, crying and yelling, "Skanketta, Chad says you give good head!"

He repeated that piece of information I really didn't need to know about ten dozen times, occasionally throwing in a pitiful, "Why'd Chad say that, Skanketta? Why???"

Boyfriend worked himself into such a frenzy that he collapsed in the grass under my window, sobbing, "Chad's my best friend! Why'd you do it? Why???"

I kept waiting for Skanketta to yell out something like, "Cuz I'm a ho, you know I'm a 'ho. I rock three different freaks after every show!" -- But alas, she probably wasn't even born yet when that song came out.

Sigh. I feel old now.

Anyway, just when I was wondering how much more insane could the situation get, 5-0 rolled up with their sirens flashing. Two burly cops jumped out with their hands on their gun belts.

At first the Boys in Blue had Boyfriend's hands behind his back, handcuffed, and all that. But after a certain point, the conversation became one of the cops essentially turning into therapists. "You're out here crying and causing all this drama because of a girl? Grow up! Be glad you found out she's fooling around with someone else! You'll find another girl. A better girl!"

Therapy Cop talked Boyfriend down to some semblance of calmness and then uncuffed him (No, Boyfriend is not black). Boyfriend promised to go home and behave. Of course he did. And then, the cops drove off.

Guess what happened two minutes later?

"Skanketta, open the f***ing door!"

Boyfriend started throwing his body against the door. Skanketta began threatening to call the cops again and she started yelling out the window like a total psycho. I felt like I was stuck in that Bill Murray movie, Groundhog Day! My neighbor across the hall got up and yelled out the window, "Shut up or I'm gonna come down there and BEAT YOUR ASS!"

Boyfriend was deaf to this threat. "Skanketta, why'd Chad say you give good head? Why? You better f***ing open the door!"

This kept up for like 20 more minutes until another car pulled up. Not the police again. Nope, Boyfriend's dad and sister jumped out. I guess Skanketta had called them up to come fetch Boyfriend.

The dad was thoroughly pissed. "Open the f***ing door so I can get Boyfriend's stuff out of the apartment."

Skanketta complied and of course, the minute she opened the door to our building, guess who tried to bumrush? It was a total madhouse! Boyfriend was trying to climb over his daddy to get inside. Skanketta and her roommate started screaming and the sister was hanging onto Boyfriend's waist, begging, "Boyfriend, just leave her alone! Get in the car! She's not worth it!"

Boyfriend wouldn't listen to his sister and began crying even louder about what Chad said.

By this point we were all downstairs in the hallway. My neighbor across the hall had his baseball bat and kept yelling out, "You come in here and you're gonna meet Sparky!" I had a moment where I thought, oh my god, I live across the hall from a guy who names his bat Sparky!

The dad finally managed to get into the building and Skanketta started handing him trashbags filled with Boyfriend's clothes and other belongings. He made several trips back to the car and every time he opened the door to the building, it was a fight to keep Boyfriend from getting back in. Finally on the third or fourth trip, my neighbor from across the hall went to the door, brandished his bat and said, "You wanna take me up on my offer?"

My neighbor's a big dude so thankfully Boyfriend slunk off to the car, hanging on his sister's shoulder and crying all the way. His dad got the last bag of Boyfriend's stuff and then told Skanketta, "You're the worst thing to ever happen to my son!"

Skanketta told the dad to go to hell and then went back into her apartment and slammed door. The dad apologized to all of us for his son's behavior and then left.

Funny, no apologies to all of us from Skanketta. Instead she's been loudly gossiping with a couple of friends about what a loser Boyfriend is, and mocking the way he kept crying. She's got her door and all her windows open so the sound is really carrying. I'm about to go down there and tell her to please shut the door.

I hope Boyfriend doesn't come back around here again because I have to agree with his dad. I think she'd be the worst thing to happen to anybody.


1969 said…
Hell...that's better than most of the stuff on tv and it's free.

You can't beat that no-cost entertainment with a Sparky!
Lola Gets said…
Yeah, I had a similar situation with my former next-door neighbor. The man was old enough to be my father, and he still had foolishness like this going on! But he sold his property and then died, so now I dont have to call the 5-0 anymore.

I have a question about your hair: I know you learned from a video on YouTube...after you set the hair on straws, do you sit under the dryer or do you just air-dry? Your hair looked really good in that pic in the earlier post!

thailandchani said…
Oh, geez! Isn't it amazing how some people choose to live? I think Boyfriend and Skanketta both need to grow up! :)
Anonymous said…
That's just awful. I am so sorry you and your children and your husband had to be around that awfulness.

We've had that with our next door neighbors. My husband always goes out to try to settle things before the police arrive. The Ex-green beret shows up to make sure everything is "kosh-her". I usually stand there thinking things like, 'stupid people have stupid things happen to them' while (boyfriend/girlfriend/fill in the blank) cries on my shoulder.


I like the bat guy across your hall. He's my new super hero.
Malik Akbar said…
You SO dated yourself with the Whodini reference :)
Jen said…
Did the boys manage to sleep through this? I always worry more about how kids deal with this craziness from "adults". I had a schizophrenic living downstairs from us who would go into screaming matches at times and it really scared the crap out of me.

And yes, it sounds like Skanketta would be the worst thing that could happen to anyone's son. Gads.
Liz Dwyer said…
The absolute best thing is that Sparky's owner is our landlord's daughter's baby daddy! I'm hoping he'll drop a word about homegirl's drama in his "father-in-law's" ear!

Let's hope my neighbor grows up and stops acting like she's on an episode of the Real World or Gossip Girl.

As far as the hair, thank you for saying so! I was a hot, sweaty mess since I'd just walked home from the polling place. Nice to know at least the hair looked ok! ;)

So, I do both air dry and bonnet dryer depending on how much time and patience I have. I just have the cheapo bonnet you attach to a hand-held dryer. I got it at Sally's for like $10. In that picture is an under-the-dryer look though. I put some Elasta QP Mango Butter and Lottabody setting lotion on my hair, then put on the straws!

There's such a heartlessness, a soullessness to the whole sordid situation. It's all rather chilling. They do need to grow up but how do they do that in our culture that sort of condones this kind of behavior when you're at a certain age?

It's always drama coming from downstairs. I seriously don't think she knows how to function without drama. And Bat Guy is pretty cool. Plus, he always brings us food when he cooks out.

I know... freshman year of high school. I'm old! :) Funny that that was considered a pretty risque record back then.

They did sleep through all this. Once those kids are asleep they're like a couple of logs. There's no waking them till the sun comes up, but they don't like Skanketta or any of her associates. My boys never talk to her at all, even when she walks by and says hi to them. They always act like they don't see her. They're good judges of character, those two.
Anonymous said…
OMG this part made me laugh the most:

"Skanketta, Chad says you give good head!"

He repeated that piece of information I really didn't need to know about ten dozen times, occasionally throwing in a pitiful, "Why'd Chad say that, Skanketta? Why???"

Oh man... around my old neighborhood (esp. in the summer) it's usually two girls like Skanketta fighting over a guy who has yet another side chick and usually ends up having at least two babies on the way before summer is over.

Truthfully, it kind of sad, hopefully this dude stays home crying and keeps the noise out of your living space.
brotherkomrade said…
When Spalding Gray graced us with his exsistance, he made a reerefnce to LA residents as being a city of screen writers from bag boys to bag ladies, if you will.
From your Whoudini reference to "therapist cop" reminds me of why I love visiting this blog. If you aren't a working writer, then there is no god. And you know the shit you wrote is all true 'cause only real life s that fucking absurd. You go on my upcoming post of Blog Gems for sho'!
Good story...God, I hate to think of a man groveling. sigh. Okay, I'm better.
los angelista: There's your hollywood script right there.
Liz Dwyer said…
Things definitely seem to pop off more in the summertime -- which worries me a bit since it's not even really summer yet. We have at least 5 more months of hot weather ahead of us so I can't even imagine what crazy drama might go on in the apartment beneath me.

What an honor to go into your Blog Gems! And Gray is right. All of us here dream of writing something "big". Whether we want to admit that that's what we want is entirely another matter. As far as working writer -- I'm a somewhat working blogger although my biggest contract is coming to an end. If you know of anything else, let me know! ;) On the fiction front, I need to write more every day than I already do. I just need to finish, to keep going.

Oddly enough, I feel like I've seen a lot of male groveling lately. Maybe it means men are getting more in touch with their feelings and aren't as afraid to show them. On the other hand, it could just mean that people are becoming more heartless and so they enjoy making someone else grovel and suffer.

I'm sure a fictional Skanketta will show up in something I write. One of these days, for sure.
Anonymous said…
Chani's right, they both need to grow up. They're both hysterical, irrational, over-the-top loudmouths who need to settle down, wise up and have a mature relationship. And stop driving other people crazy with their childish antics. Perhaps someone should just have thrown a bucket of water over both of them to calm them down.
Felicity said…
When I read the story, I must admit, I laughed out loud, especially when boyfriend said, what Chad say about her. But it is a sad state of affairs, because she will get her test of her own medicine. I hope boyfriend can sort himself out.
Liz Dwyer said…
A bucket of water would've been PERFECT! Clearly, with that kind of genius, you need to move to LA, Nick! You're ready for our insanity! :) I'll have to tell my neighbor that next time he can bring his bat for Boyfriend and I'll bring the bucket of water for Skanketta!

When I first heard Boyfriend say that, I was really shocked but I also had to put my hand went over my mouth to keep myself from laughing. Given her day to day behavior, I'm not surprised though. Gosh, the energy she's putting out there is horrible and I'm sure she's really an unhappy person deep down.
Jameil said…
i love that you're calling her skanketta! that is hilarity! oh man! i love the cops as psychotherapists. love it! and your neighbor w/the bat. oh man. qual.i.TEE entertainment!!
I'm still lost in wonder about a baseball bat named Sparky.

Your drama queen neighbor is obviously related to my next-door neighbor Skankblossom.

How many skanks does it take to screw in a ... lightbulb?
Liz Dwyer said…
I almost went with Skankerella but settled on Skanketta because everytime I wrote "Skankerella" I got Rhianna's Umbrella song in my head. Crazy, I know.

How about we find our two skanks a state of the art apartment somewhere ultra cool... like in Death Valley? They can stink and sleep around as much as they want to out there!
Miriam said…
Oh boy!!!

Gotta admit, it was pretty interesting though. lol
Anonymous said…
Skanketta. Just the name has me dead. lol great story you need to work this into a miniseries- Days of our Hood.
Liz Dwyer said…
She's definitely a skank. Chad's over here now! It's a total soap opera!

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