Voices Carry

Sound really carries in my neighborhood at night. I don't know if it's an effect of the hills around here or if smoggy air has more sound conducive properties, but I'm constantly overhearing the most random conversations.

I just heard one of my neighbors talking to a guy right underneath my living room window. She and her roommates aren't particular favorites of mine. I readily admit they aren't as bad as Crazy Claudia, the compulsive vacuumer who used to live across the hall. Claudia hated Black people and loved to stomp up and down the stairs as loudly as possible. Nothing can top Claudia's madness.

But, these current neighbors just have that vibe that they're really trust fund brats who run a meth lab out of one of the bedrooms. One of the guys spends a lot of time hanging in front of our building in his wife beater t-shirt. The other guy always looks totally wasted and only grunts when I say, "Hello".

The girl who lives with them is the type that thinks she's hot because ages ago some delusional soul told her she was the stuff. Oh, and her favorite outfit is a pair of cowboy boots with bare legs and a baby doll mini dress. That goes over really well when she walks by my sons.

I imagine she had on one of her baby doll dresses while she was having her little chit-chat right beneath my living room windows. I wasn't 100% paying attention to her inanity about some audition she screwed up and how depressed she was about it. What did catch my ear was that there was a weird pause where they suddenly weren't talking. I hadn't heard footsteps walking away or heard the door to our building slam shut.

Hmm...No one walked away. No one went inside either. No one was talking.

I don't have to be Sherlock Holmes to guess they must have been kissing because the silence was broken when I heard him say, "So can I come in?"

Ladies and gentleman, it was a classic case of a guy trying to charm his way into a woman's apartment so he can get some!

I couldn't help but think, gosh, is that how easy it is? I guess straightforwardly asking works because next thing I knew, I heard her seductively ask,"What about your girlfriend?"

He had the decency to pause before he chuckled and replied, "Well... she's not really my girlfriend anymore."

Whoa! Hold up, neighbor gal! Come back down to earth! He's LYING! If you ever hear a guy say such a thing, you know that his girlfriend is probably sending him unsuspecting text messages like, "Do you want me to pick up some flowers for your mom on my way home from work tomorrow?" That's why his phone is on silent and why he was gone in the bathroom for 10 minutes while y'all were out to dinner. You see, he was talking to his "not really my girlfriend" girlfriend! Besides, if you need to ask about a man's girlfriend, that's a sign you need to repeat three times, "His girlfriend may be crazy, track me down and slash my tires!"

Not scary enough for you? Okay, how about, "His girlfriend might be crazy and try to cut up my face with a razor blade!"

Before you say that sort of stuff only happens in the movies, trust me, I've known people it's happened to. So I'm just saying, it's something to think about. Is 10 minutes of fun worth getting your face scarred up?

Obviously to Tramp-o-La it is. She upped the booty call ante with some more purring. "All you want to do is talk?"

Eww! But that's when I heard her keys jingle. He started giggling like a goof ball and so did she. I heard the downstairs door open and slam shut and then they tramped through our hallway.

I think I might shut my windows and throw on my iPod so I don't have to accidentally hear any other, ahem, noises tonight.


Anonymous said…
It's the not-really-girlfriend I feel sorry for. I suspect your scenario about a very real girl friend who picks up the flowers for him is all too true. And she totally doesn't know what he's up to. How many women are in that sorry situation? Do tell if you hear any sequel - like another chat under your window tomorrow morning!
red said…
Oh dear. I hope you manage to sleep through it...
Jameil said…
LMAO @ not really my gf. wow... that girl is slooooooooow. cowboy boots with bare legs and a baby doll mini dress? the outfit is horrendous.
Liz Dwyer said…
I also feel sorry for the "not really" girlfriend. I hope when she does get a clue about the slimeball that is her boyfriend that she immediately dumps him instead of taking him back and giving him a second chance.

I didn't go to bed till 3 AM, but I, thankfully, have no idea what else was going on since I really did put my headphones on!

And she wears that outfit non-stop! It's like she's got a baby doll mini dress in every color of the rainbow! AAGH!
Nerd Girl said…
LOL! Some of the "stuff" that folks fall for is unbelievable. I'm so glad all my neighbors are 80ish. The most interesting talk in our neighborhood is about choosing an arthritis specialist. Seriously.
Anonymous said…
Hey maybe all they did is talk!!!!After all with two male roomates and a possible meth lab in one of the bedrooms it sounds kind of crowded. It could be because I live in Indiana butI believe cowboy boots go with any outfit!!!!!
Liz Dwyer said…
Nerd Girl,
Arthritis specialists! Oh that's funny! I used to hear that sort of stuff when I first moved here and our building was populated by lots older folks. But then they either died or moved away...and they've been replaced by a bunch of hipster young 'uns!

They weren't just talking! You know they went in there, woke the male roommates up, smoked some meth and then all got busy together! I'm sure she left on the cowboy boots though. Perfect for any occasion!
that is so gross! why do people not take into account their surroundings? i used to have the worst neighbors, and i had to combat their noisy craziness with my own. it gets so tiring....
Jen said…
At least you heard them and not your sons. Nothing like apartment carry-overs.
Anonymous said…
Or ... you can lurk on over to me to get your award.

"Get your sexy on
Go ahead, be gone with it."
Liz Dwyer said…
I'll give the benefit of the doubt and guess they put all their business out there because it's dark and there's no one standing next to them. Since there's an illusion of privacy they just say whatever.

So true, but I have no doubt that day will come pretty soon. It's one of the things about living in a city where folks are all on top of each other, all up in each other's business.

An award? I'd love to come get an award! Wow, could this be an early April Fool's Day joke?
the joy said…
Ew! Witnessing skankiness is the worst! I see it all the time at work... Usually its prostitutes though...

Btw, I love that song that your title references.
When I was in college, my room was next to a guy whose girlfriend was an ahem "screamer" if you know what I mean. It was the worst semester of my life.
Liz Dwyer said…
The Joy,
Prostitutes...I feel for you. I really do. And I love that song too. It's one of my favorites.

I can totally relate. My junior year I lived next door to a woman who I'm convinced liked to play Little Red Riding Hood with her boyfriend. I think he was playing the role of the wolf because he'd start howling like one! It became pure comedy after a while and sometimes when I had friends over while the howling was going on, we'd be in tears, doubled over with laughter because it was sooo crazy and gross!

I was so happy when they broke up!
Anonymous said…

Sorry Liz... memories and all that.
Anonymous said…
Damn shame how DUMB some females are!
Liz Dwyer said…
Oh, memories! They make me laugh a whole lot too. -- And a name change for you, huh?

Just a Girl From L.A.,
Both of them are dumb! But I think she felt like some all-powerful seductress reeling him in. I think he knew what he wanted all along and she played along. Or else she was running game on him. Who knows. It was waay too complicated for me!

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