What Do You Do All Day?
The next time someone asks me, "What do you do all day?" or says, ""I can't believe you're such a stay-at-home mom these days. Don't you get bored?" I'm going to scream!
Or if they're right in front of me, instead of screaming, I'm gonna stab them with a...with a...
Well, I'm sure I'll find something nice, sharp and painful to stab with. Like my keyboard.
Do these people not know what my life used to be like? Do they not know that if I never have an office job again, I have paid my dues and then some! Last year I was taking tests to determine if I was a workaholic and if I'd answered every question honestly, (which I didn't because it was too damn depressing) I would've scored a perfect 100%. I was considering going to therapy. Have they not read my post on working 101 hours in ONE WEEK?
But the truth is also that if I wanted to get everything done at my job that I needed to, there was no possibility of not working the hours I did. It's not a good or bad thing. It's just the way it was. We all know 40 hours a week is a joke for most people these days. It's not right, but it's the way it is.
What really bugs me that more women than men say these things to me. There's always an insinuation that I was the last person they ever thought they'd see leading such a "boring" existence.
I guess they liked me better when I was working all the time. I guess that made me more exciting. I guess I had value then and now I don't. Maybe it's not status-y enough to say that your friend stays home and writes? Is that the problem?
Because yes, I write and I get paid for it. I want to write more stuff and get paid for it. I like writing. No, I love writing and I'm happier when I'm writing than when I'm doing anything else. Want to hire me to write something for you?
Sure, the money's not as much as what I was making before, but I'm not working the hours I was and I'm fine with that. Even if I decide to go back to an office job next year, I will never ever again say, "Yeah, I worked 87 hours this week." I might not even be willing to ever again say, "I worked 57 hours."
I used to pay someone thousands of dollars a year to watch my sons. She was awesome and I think a huge part of the sweet, very polite and happy boys my sons are today is owed to her. But no one would have said she wasn't working when she was taking care of them. So how come I'm not working when I'm taking care of my own kids?
I 'm writing. I'm reading. I'm on three committees at my kid's school. I'm actually cooking dinner. I bury deceased hamsters. I read to my children. I do crazy things like organize my books alphabetically and call the LAPD about drunks loitering down the hill.
But what if I did nothing but lounge on the couch and eat chocolate covered strawberries? What if I just went to a spa all day, watched the maid do the laundry and made my chauffeur drive me to Fred Segal to shop?
Whose business would that be?
Inhale. Exhale. Do a yoga pose. Repeat out loud: "Violence is a tool of the ignorant.
But seriously, whoever has a problem with what I'm doing right now, step off.
Or if they're right in front of me, instead of screaming, I'm gonna stab them with a...with a...
Well, I'm sure I'll find something nice, sharp and painful to stab with. Like my keyboard.
Do these people not know what my life used to be like? Do they not know that if I never have an office job again, I have paid my dues and then some! Last year I was taking tests to determine if I was a workaholic and if I'd answered every question honestly, (which I didn't because it was too damn depressing) I would've scored a perfect 100%. I was considering going to therapy. Have they not read my post on working 101 hours in ONE WEEK?
But the truth is also that if I wanted to get everything done at my job that I needed to, there was no possibility of not working the hours I did. It's not a good or bad thing. It's just the way it was. We all know 40 hours a week is a joke for most people these days. It's not right, but it's the way it is.
What really bugs me that more women than men say these things to me. There's always an insinuation that I was the last person they ever thought they'd see leading such a "boring" existence.
I guess they liked me better when I was working all the time. I guess that made me more exciting. I guess I had value then and now I don't. Maybe it's not status-y enough to say that your friend stays home and writes? Is that the problem?
Because yes, I write and I get paid for it. I want to write more stuff and get paid for it. I like writing. No, I love writing and I'm happier when I'm writing than when I'm doing anything else. Want to hire me to write something for you?
Sure, the money's not as much as what I was making before, but I'm not working the hours I was and I'm fine with that. Even if I decide to go back to an office job next year, I will never ever again say, "Yeah, I worked 87 hours this week." I might not even be willing to ever again say, "I worked 57 hours."
I used to pay someone thousands of dollars a year to watch my sons. She was awesome and I think a huge part of the sweet, very polite and happy boys my sons are today is owed to her. But no one would have said she wasn't working when she was taking care of them. So how come I'm not working when I'm taking care of my own kids?
I 'm writing. I'm reading. I'm on three committees at my kid's school. I'm actually cooking dinner. I bury deceased hamsters. I read to my children. I do crazy things like organize my books alphabetically and call the LAPD about drunks loitering down the hill.
But what if I did nothing but lounge on the couch and eat chocolate covered strawberries? What if I just went to a spa all day, watched the maid do the laundry and made my chauffeur drive me to Fred Segal to shop?
Whose business would that be?
Inhale. Exhale. Do a yoga pose. Repeat out loud: "Violence is a tool of the ignorant.
But seriously, whoever has a problem with what I'm doing right now, step off.
Comments
What a crock!
I think it's wonderful what you are doing.. and I wish more women would do it.
There. Guess I just lost my feminist card but, really, I'm so sick of people making judgements about other people's lives.
Sheesh!
I really do believe that young children need a stay-at-home parent. Children are not something you schedule when they are convenient for you. Children need what they need and if that is a stay-at-home parent(s), then that's what needs to be provided if finances allow. If not, it's something to aspire to.
The only one you have to please is you, and it sounds as if you're finally free to do your life's work, your OTHER life's work besides raising your sons. Anyone who has the nerve to object is probably jealous or at the very least, does not have your best interests at heart.
You are contributing great writing to the world. I cannot think of any higher calling than using your God-given talents to enrich your own life and that of others.
You rock. And that's the truth, Ruth.
Every. Single. Word.
Enjoy your life. ;-)
What do people think it takes to raise happy, healthy kids?
I wish people here would stop placing so much importance on what we do and look at who we are. It's one main reason I am moving out of this country. I refused to work 80 hours a week any more. That is not living.
Gosh, I want to reply but I'm headed to Disneyland. More when I get back.
As a principal of a new charter school, 7 to 7 is not unusual.
It's definitely a plus for you to be able to do what you do from the comfort of your own domain. I wish...
Big ups to you! I empathize and understand! Check those people ( I want to say M.F's) but I am trying not to curse as a New Year''s resolution!
You go girl! Be a good mom! Work from home, (which means do ALL the house work AND earn a living), take care of your children and don't explain shit to anybody!!
Working freelance I face the same attitudes all the time. "Gee, must be nice," is the usual sort of comment, as in I spend my day with no obligations. Try fulfilling a contract obligation, my friend, is the thought that goes through my mind. Good piece, Liz.
You are so supportive, but the reality is there are a great many people who probably read this post and disagree. I get tired of the old stay at home /vs/ working mom debate because that doesn't serve women well at all, and distracts from many of the things that need to change in order for us to truly achieve gender equality. I want to respond individually to your comments but I am SO tired. I have a friend here visiting and I've been having waay too much fun with her. 16 hours at Disneyland yesterday. Ripping and running today...
So now that I'm actually tired and wanting to go to sleep, this insomniac is going to do so. I'm so sorry. I'll respond individually in the morning!
Bored? Are you kidding? I've been mostly a stay-at-home not-mom for the past month and bored is the last thing I'd call myself. Every day fills up pretty quickly, and I always have something I don't quite get to. I can't imagine how I used to get anything done and work 40-50 hours a week.
Oh yeah, and when and if you go back to a day job, just don't accept more than a certain amount of hours. Some folks where I work work a lot more hours and the result is that the boss will not hire another person when another person is needed. It always amazes me how non-profits are some of the worst offenders regarding abusing their workers' time. (Not that my company is a nonprofit.)
Also wanted to acknowledge that you are working both a paying job and a child-rearing job (which you so eloquently pointed out could be someone else's day job.)
Other people's ignorance sure isn't bliss.
I get a lot of "you're so lucky" and my husband hears a lot of "I'd do what she's doing if I...."
And I know, I'm damn lucky. He rolls his eyes at people because he knows that writing is work. Some days you cut yourself open so others can feel.
Good for you for following your bliss. I want to hear more about your writing -
Oh, and I gave you an award this morning! ;)
you know better than anybody else.
But why do some folks seem to think it is their business and how do we change the belief that working for a company adds value in a way that "working" for your family does not? I don't know if I qualify but can I reinstate your feminist card?
Jstele,
You mean children don't raise themselves? LOL! Folks act like they do though. They will on the one hand talk about how black boys are such statistics and how there needs to be better parenting in the black community, and then in the next breath, I get the haterade. Makes no sense.
Jameil
I know that's right! The weird thing is that when I wrote down no more 57 hour weeks, my mind still thought, "Oh, 57 hours, that's not too much!" I still think of that as being somewhat reasonable. I wonder how long it'll take for me to get out of that mindset.
Heart,
I am queen of the hamster burials! And I can once again rock now that my new iPod finally came!
In all seriousness though, thank you for saying all that you did. It's nice to feel so supported by the community I have here in blog-world, even if I don't always feel that way here in my real life.
Jen,
I'm trying! I think I've been enjoying it a little too much over the past couple of days. Whew!
NYC/CR,
No, it's not a living at all to be working like that. And the thing is, if my husband has those hours and I do too, who spends time with the kids? It just isn't worth it. And all those hours for what? So we can afford some fancier clothes and a flashier car? (Or in LA, afford to pay our rent? LOL!) None of it makes any sense.
Jessalyn,
WORD! What is it about little kids and the bathroom? My eldest is going to be seven in two days and it's only been the past year that he's "got" not to walk in on me in the bathroom. The 4 Y.O. is still hopeless in that regard -- and insists on scaling the kitchen cabinets in search of "black cookies". You're so right, no vacation. No time off and no 401K unless I decide to make my own. So yeah, I am done with the perception that I do nothing all day but sit in cafes and lounge on the couch.
Joy,
I know you have got to be working a ton. One of my girlfriends runs KIPP KAO out here and she has been doing those kinds of hours for years now. I really admire it because what you do for kids is outstanding. A lot of people have tried to get me to go down the path of being a principal, but I don't think I have what it takes, mostly because it's not 100% where my heart is.
Jameil,
I wore myself OUT! Got there at 9 Am. Left at 12. Insanity. I'm still recovering.
Janie,
I was really having a moment when I wrote this post where I finally processed some things that had been said to me by various folks and I was just like, "Wait a hot damn minute!" You see I need to adopt that no cussing resolution as well! And I agree with your definition of feminist. I can't even wrap my head around half of what it is that a feminist woman is supposed to be these days. Is it supposed to be Carrie Bradshaw? Condi Rice? None of the above?
Nick,
So it's not just a woman-directed question then? Sometimes I respond with the response my mom always used to use, "Only boring people get bored."
1969,
Oh yes, if you are at the office, you don't have to worry about kids coming up and asking you to get them something to eat, put together their train set, rub their tummy...none of that. And when I'm on the phone, sometimes I want to muzzle them! But when I was working the crazy hours, my youngest was really distant, so I'm glad to get to do those things now.
Ian,
I don't know why we do that either. I wouldn't be a good manager at a lot of places because I'd be inclined to tell my employees to go home, enjoy life, get a sense of perspective and that it can wait till tomorrow. Oh, and then there's the phony "work-life balance" crap that places throw you. They give examples of how their managers go play soccer once a week. Um, that's not balance!
I think folks think there's some sort of magic wand that wafts over writers to make the words emerge in 30 seconds -- and then we just chill for hours on end the rest of the time. Hmph!
Sundry,
I think you could be right. We're sort of trained to be these drones that go to work, drink coffee, go home and watch TV all night. There's probably a comfort in that familiar routine so folks probably wonder what they'd do if they didn't have that. The day does fill up really quickly.
And I will never do those kinds of hours again. I've promised myself and it's one promise I'm definitely sticking to. It's just not worth it.
Mamita,
Oh I can only imagine. It's like you're nothing unless you say, "I'm the blah blah manager of blah blah and I make beaucoup dollars and drive blah blah car!" You make me think about how Elarryo always hated going to work stuff with me because everyone would be sitting around with their ivy league degrees and ask him, "So, where'd you go to school?" and he'd be like, "Oakton!" And then they'd say, "So what do you do?" Since he wasn't saying he was a doctor or lawyer, it was like it was never good enough for our status seeking society.
Claudia,
Working those kids of hours takes such a toll on you emotionally, mentally, spiritually. Everything just gets thrown out of whack. You're totally right in that I am lucky to be doing what I'm doing. It's work but I love it so it doesn't really feel like work sometimes. I want and need to do more of it, that's for sure. I've been being a writing slacker lately. And hooray for awards! I'll come over and check it out.
Dena,
Sometimes I feel like this is my life five years too late, but I'm trying to make up for lost time. And I'm so darned excited you're coming.
Keith,
I was thinking today that if I was someone else and met myself I'd probably be jealous. But I think I also wasn't raised to get my value off of my job title or salary. I do feel a lot of pressure to keep the writing going and line some more stuff that pays up. That definitely stresses me out.
Ignore the haters.
Women and men need to start supporting every work/family model that works for THEM and THEIR INDIVIDUAL FAMILIES.
Live your bliss--your writing and family.