Telling All Your Business in Public

Dear Blond in a Brown Sweater, Orange Pants and Red Boots,

You shouldn't tell all your business in public. Especially not at a busy cafe in LA.

I know we have a confessional culture, where folks just slit their wrists and let all their business bleed out to everyone and anyone.

I am a participant in this because, after all, I'm a blogger. For three years I have told my business to complete strangers. But I only tell some of my business, not all of it.

Never all of it.

It is a free country though. I cannot stop you from sitting in a cafe discussing the amazing sex you had last night. But at least, if you're going to tell it, whisper. Lean across the cafe table so that you don't have to shout to your friend about how you've, "Never been f***ed like that before. Ever."

I get it. Your mind was blown. Your world was rocked. You can't stop thinking about it. Or talking about it.

You're three tables away from me and I can hear every word. Judging from the smirks on the faces of other customers in here, we are all listening.

But you see, it's only 9:30 in the morning and I just want to enjoy my chai, not throw it up all over the floor. I'm not trying to hear anything that starts with, "And then he flipped me over and..."

On the other hand, you go right ahead and keep talking.

Trust me, I'm not the only person in here writing down every word.


Lola Gets said…
Hey, heeeyyy, when its good, its good!
Dena said…
nice....what ever happened to being discreet? i think it's hilarious that you, liz, were sitting 3 tables over from her....mocking her....and she was completely oblivious to what was going on around her. you're slick :)
Sorry that is too early in the morning to be hearing that mess.
Ian Lidster said…
Some people are so crass it's unbelievable. I wonder if the guy who gave her the best f... ever realized his prowess was being broadcast for everyone to hear?
Actually, it's a hilarious post and she has no idea how many people now know about her sex life.
Miz JJ said…
Ew. I hate when people do that. What if you had your children with you. I swear Cora Daniels has it right with her book 'Ghettonation'. We have become a completely shameless nation.
Liz Dwyer said…
Yeah, but talk about it in a way that makes the listeners not want to projectile vomit! Sheesh!

I think reality TV killed discretion. We've lost the art of the secret. It was amazing to me how she was SO unaware of anyone else around and was just completely focused on dishing all the details. And her friend was just eating it up! AAGH!

Isn't it though? I felt like I was listening to Loveline or something.

I seriously kept thinking the Candid Camera type reality show crew was going to jump out. I don't know why I still think it's going to happen after almost 10 years of living in LA.

Well, the cynical part of me thinks the guy would be psyched to know she's advertising his, er, prowess. However, I say that he must, given the orange pants, red boots and loud mouth, have poor taste in women. Sort of makes me doubt his abilities!

Miz JJ,
Oh my goodness, I hadn't even thought about that! Thank goodness the kids weren't around. I definitely would have had to tell her to tone it down.
Jen said…
"But you see, it's only 9:30 in the morning and I just want to enjoy my chai, not throw it up all over the floor."

Okay, so I'm sitting here reading blogs and drinking my tea and this made me laugh so hard I almost sprayed my keyboard.
Unknown said…
LOL! Thanks for the laugh, Liz!
thailandchani said…
Oh, that is hysterical! This is the first good blog laugh I've had in a while. I can actually imagine that conversation.

"Then he flipped me over".. Indeed!

the last noel said…
I hate that crap, especially in elevators. I'll get on and someone says hi, how are you? I say, fine. What are you doing today? Someone asks. Oh, nothing, I say. Then I realise this person is talking with an earphone. Ugh!
Jameil said…
sigh. people kill me with their NEEDS TO BE KEPT PRIVATE conversations. Orange Pants and Red Boots? must've been so great her eyes don't work this am. i knew this was gonna be bad from the outfit.
Liz Dwyer said…
Just when I feel like I've seen and heard just about everything in this town...glad it made you laugh though. :),
You're welcome. Funny but I did more eavesdropping in Chicago than I do here and I feel like I just never heard these sort of conversations a dozen years ago.

Let me tell you, I was typing down verbatim everything she said and when I got to that part, my brain was just repeating, "Not listening! Not listening!" LOL!

It drives me crazy when folks are on their phone in the elevator, but it's even more awkward in the situation you describe when you think they're talking to you but then realize, oops, they're not!

I don't think she'd know private if it smacked her in the face. Girl, when do you sleep? And OH MY GOODNESS, speaking of outfits, I was so busy earlier that I forgot to watch PR!!!
Liz Hinds said…
Oh, no! That must have been horrendous with your morning cuppa!

Whatever happened to modesty and things we were taught to appreciate when we were young?

I spotted your comment on jmb's blog. You're the first Liz I've seen blogging (apart from me of course).
Anonymous said…
Funny, I never hear tantalisingly intimate conversations like that, just dull stuff about the bus being late. Mind you, this is Belfast and people don't exactly spill their sexual secrets over a latte. Perhaps you should have gone up to her and said "Excuse me, I didn't quite catch all the details. Could you expand on that?" Though that might just be an encouragement.
Liz Dwyer said…
I like your name! I think it's one of the best blogging names ever! ;) Weird that there aren't more Liz's around...but I've actually been thinking about just changing it to be Los Angelista because some people I'm related to continue to be concerned with my privacy/have paranoia that someone who reads this blog is going to stalk me or something.

Anyway, modesty? I'm not sure if that gets taught on MTV these days. Or I don't know if it's just a thing where people know they're in LA so they say whatever they want since they figure anything goes in this city.

Oh that would have been funny to go up to her and ask her to clarify a few things I'd typed down. Can you imagine?

People tell it all in this city. On the other side of me, a woman was telling her friend how she's spending the child support money she gets from her ex-husband. And it wasn't on the child.

I am such an observer/eavesdropper, but I think I'm becoming a voyeur as well.
Anonymous said…
I wish I had sex so amazing that I still couldn't quit talking about it the next day. If I ever do, I'll be sure to call you!!!
Kari Carlson said…
i'm still just laughing at your posts, Liz. in a totally amused way.

thank you!
Liz Dwyer said…
And when you start talking about it, just hit the "mute" button so I can't hear anything you're saying. That way you can really feel uninhibited in getting it all off your chest.

I'm glad to make you laugh...I'd rather that than for you to type that you just threw some dishes up against the wall! ;)
Miriam said…
maybe she wanted everyone to hear it? Some people are weird like that. Maybe she'll never come to that cafe again hahaha
Liz Dwyer said…
It could be! I hope she never comes again, but it tends to be neighborhood folks coming to it so chances are, she'll be back. Maybe we just won't be there at the same time.
Anonymous said…
Oh thank goodness I am not the only one who finds themselves an unintended participant in other peoples lives. This is so funny - thank you!
Keith said…
I must admit that I don't mind overhearing such conversations. Part of the reason I love bloggers is that I'm so darn nosy (not gossipy, just nosy).
Liz Dwyer said…
I often feel like an unintended participant. Today I overhead a conversation where a woman was giving incorrect driving directions to her friend and I so wanted to butt in and correct her. But I couldn't because that would mean admitting to eavesdropping. What a conundrum!

I am VERY nosy too. I'm the old lady sitting on her porch watching the neighborhood pass by. And I feel like I call the police every five seconds over some mess I'm seeing. I'm sure they're sick of me.
Anonymous said…
Liz Dwyer said…
I had been thinking, "Eek!" and, "Eww!" but, "Yipe!" does nicely as well.
chelsea said…
Did you say brown sweater, orange pants and red boots? I can honestly say that I've never had sex that was so good it rendered me color blind.
Liz Dwyer said…
LOL! She struck me as being one of those wannabe actress types that really thinks they're working it by mixing up a bunch of different colors. Paging Tim Gunn!
Ewwww. I agree that TMI is TMI, but thankfully you were there, our faithful scribe.

Orange pants and red boots? I guess he not only f***ed her brains out but her ability to see colors as well. Now that's just wrong.
Liz Dwyer said…
Oh wow! You made me laugh out loud! It could be, it could be!

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