Sliding Down a Hill Into the Waiting Arms of the Neighborhood Jehovah's Witnesses

Remember that old Tony! Toni! Tone! song, "It Never Rains in Southern California"?



Obviously when the guys wrote the song back in 1990, they hadn't consulted their neighborhood fortune teller because, hello, Southern California got hit by a tornado last night!

I don't care if it's 18 years after the song! If they'd had a really top notch fortune teller, the song should have been able to predict this current disastrous storm! Take away Tony! Toni! Tone!'s cool R&B psychic cards right now!

For those of you who live in other parts of the world where there's rain and snow all time, I'm sure you're saying, "Stop yer whining, you spoiled (but undeniably hot) Angeleno!" But this year marks my 10th anniversary of living in LA so I am entitled to whine all I want!

I mean, the wind killed my umbrella yesterday morning! I loved that umbrella!

You have no sympathy for me? Gosh, how could you be so heartless and evil?

How about this: On top of the umbrella death, I live at the top of a pretty steep hill. I have to walk down that hill to take my kids to and from school, and it's been raining so hard that a river of water is cascading down the hill.

My tennis shoes got soaked during the walk to school in the morning. So before I left the house to go pick my youngest up from pre-k, my smarty-pants self decided to put on some boots. You know, keep my feet warmer and drier. Boots, without heels, I might add!

But STILL disaster struck!

At the steepest point of the incline, I slipped on a plastic bag I couldn't see because of all the water. Damn the slick bottom of those boots. Double damn the LA County Board of Supervisors for refusing to ban plastic bags this past Tuesday!

The mathematical equation looks like this:

Plastic Bag(Boots + Steep Incline + Rushing Water) = Yours Truly Biting the Dust

Er, except it wasn't dust.

What was it?

Use your brains, grasshoppers! When you mix dirt and water together, what do you get?

Cue Jeopardy theme music... Quick!!! Give us the answer!!!

I'll give you a hint: It starts with an "M".

You got it yet?

Oh, good! I'm so proud of you! You figured out that water and dirt together makes... MUD!

Yes, I slid down the hill and, TA-DA!!! I landed in a mud puddle!

My nice black leather boots, my cute jeans, my treasured red coat -- ALL covered in mud.

But the show must go on. Yes, I still had to go to the school to get my child, even if I was covered in all that mud! I was SO embarrassed when my son's teacher pointed out to me, "Uh, you have mud on your face." And you know I was getting the side eye from a few of the other pre-k parents.

I found myself once more wishing I knew Spanish, just so I could say to the parents, "No, I didn't fall over while smoking crack on the way over here. I promise!"

Ugh. I thought the rain related disasters couldn't get any worse after that.

But I was wrong.

On the way home, why in the world were the Jehovah's Witnesses trying to work the neighborhood? Do they figure the really desperate, lost souls only come out during a torrential downpour?

I'm sorry, but when you see me coated in mud, walking with a four year-old and one umbrella (thank you again, Mr. Wind), I know the conventional wisdom may be to think, "She definitely needs Jesus! Let's stop her, try to talk her head off and give her a pamphlet!"

BUT NO! Believe me, it's not a good time! AAGH!!! The only thing I want to accept as my Lord and Savior about right now is the SUN!

Join me now in prayer:

"Oh Sun Deity,

Your humble servant Los Angelista offers you this fervent prayer. Please chase away the dark clouds hovering over my home. Evaporate the liquid moisture making the hill outside so slick and wet. If you do this, I promise to be your sycophant forever and ever."

Just kidding. Put away your Bible, Koran, Aqdas, and Torah. I promise, I'm not that desperate yet. No sun worshiping for me.

Instead, I will go back to listening to the Tony! Toni! Tone! on this Friday afternoon. I'll just change their song title to "It Always Rains in Southern California".

Comments

Okay I was just watching that video last night. I was considering putting it up as this week's video for Flashback Friday but went with something more uptempo...Duran Duran.

Yes, this rain was/is no joke. I hope your clothes aren't ruined. Maybe the clearners can save your coat. The most important thing is you weren't hurt. I almost wiped out on some wet steps this morning.
Jen said…
Yikes, Liz! And I thought our snow was bad. That sounds like one awful mess. And what were they thinking of, working the streets in a downpour?
I'm glad you weren't hurt and hope the clothes can be cleaned.

I also slipped on a wet sidewalk this morning and saw my umbrella die horribly. It's time to build an ark.

I have been sorely tempted by my own devils to slam the intrusive feet of Jehovah's Witnesses in my door many times as I am deeply offended by those who proselytize. I don't like missionaries either.
Liz Dwyer said…
NYC/CR,
Clothes are dirty but salvageable. My pride is another story though!

I'm going to see Tony! Toni! Tone! @ LA Live in March. Can't wait and then I can sing along with them...but thank goodness that early '90s fashion is still out of style!

Jen,
We need the rain out here because we only had like 3 inches last year, but it is a mess! Traffic has been horrible all week!

Maybe they figured everybody would be inside since it was raining, and so when they rang bells, folks would be home? Not sure.

Heart,
What is with the slippery, wet sidewalks and the dying umbrellas? Could it be winter in California?

For this ark, how about we get Orlando Bloom to be Noah and Depeche Mode can play in the hull to calm everybody down.

You know, the JW's don't usually bug me because I figure to each his own, but gosh, on a rainy day, enough already!
Jameil said…
waa waa rain. suck it up!! lol. the one who said "Uh, you have mud on your face"? stamp a big x on her forehead, too. boooo!! you should not be judged after falling in the mud tho it makes for a delightful story!
LOL i remember when we had the 40 days and 40 nights of rain that was El Nino, KJLH used to play this song over and over again.

i'm not a huge fan of the rain, but every now and then we need a good cleansing. i mean, it's the only way we can see past all the smog.
Anonymous said…
I've been doorstepped by Jehovah's Witnesses a few times and they're a pain in the neck. They're so convinced you're panting to be converted and it's tiresome getting rid of them. I hate evangelical religions that are so sure their religion is the best and want to sign up everyone in sight. One reason I'm a Buddhist is that Buddhists don't do that, it's entirely up to you to show an interest.
Danny Haszard said…
WHY DOOR TO DOOR?

The reason the watchtower corporation orders their Jehovah's witnesses members to intrude door to door is because in the beginning their leader Joseph Rutherford (who himself never went door to door) knew that this cold-calling tactic would get them recognition and "persecution" as pesky.
If they can get "persecuted" by picking fights then he can say they are 'persecuted for Jesus'.

It's all a Watchtower cult SCAM~Danny Haszard expert witness on Jehovah Witness
1969 said…
Not the red coat! *sigh*

Poor Liz. Go get yourself a nice Caramel Macchiato and slip a shot of Brandy in it. You'll feel better.

As for the Witnesses? Uh....I can't use that language while my kids are awake.
Brianna said…
dang! those jehovah witnesses are ruthless.
Mes Deux Cents said…
Liz,

Since I've been living in the Bay area I have never seen it rain from morning ‘til night, at least not in my little area of the Bay, but that was the case yesterday.

When I got home last night my jeans were soaked from cuff to calf!

And about the Jehovah's Witnesses, the one's I've run into here are pretty laid back. They sit in their cars and hold the Watch Tower out the window to passer's by. Lol

It's not raining this morning but when I came back in a little while ago it looked like the clouds were re-grouping for another onslaught.

I'm glad you weren't hurt.
velvet said…
I'm glad that you weren't hurt!

If only you could take the plentiful rain, pack it in a care package and send it off to somewhere drought-ridden.

I hope that you dry out soon!
the joy said…
All I can do is laugh. I've been there before.
Unknown said…
I don't know if this helps, but it's been raining up here in Northern California, too. Nasty. I stay holed up in my place unless I absolutely, positively HAVE TO go out. It would be more than a disaster if I slipped and fell in the mud in the mud, as in call an ambulance, quick. Osteoarthritis of the left hip guarantees that I won't move once I go down. Someone stop the rain, please!

This brings to mind something that happened when I was about 11 years old. My dad was stationed at McChord Air Force Base near Tacoma, Washington, and we were living in base housing. One of the other non-com wives came over to borrow something from my mom during a downpour, and she exclaimed, "Lands sakes, it's rainin' cats and dogs and n****r babies." I don't think I have to mention her race, but I will give an oblique hint: I'm pretty sure another black person wouldn't have made such a statement.

I had to run out of the house because I was into Huey Newton and Angela Davis by that time. And like you, I slipped on a downward slope, tore my clothes and even worse, the skin off my butt. But that was better than staying in the house with that ignorant woman.

Besides, Mom put her in check, big time. Don't mess with the Consummate Libra Woman. She'll use ice cold logic to whip some butt.
Liz Dwyer said…
Jameil,
The funny thing is that my son was jealous of my muddy state and thought I did it on purpose! Kids want to jump in a mud puddle but boring adults want to avoid it! LOL!

The Prisoners Wife,
Hey! Another Angeleno! Welcome! We do need the cleansing, don't we. The air was sooo clear yesterday. Did you see that snow on the mountains? It was just beautiful!

The only downside is all the trash that washes out to the ocean. That is just gross.

Nick,
I disagree with prostelytization where people are told that if you don't accept their faith you are doomed forever. Or like when I lived in China there were Christian missionaries who'd tell Chinese folks that if they converted to Christianity, God would help them pass the TOEFL or grant them a green card to come to the US. Now that's just ridiculous! But I do think the desire of people to share something that brings them happiness is a natural thing. It just can't be done in a way that's pushy.

Danny Haszard,
Thanks for stopping by. I went by your site and I'm so sorry you were abused by people who were JW's when you were a child. It's horribly sad to read how that was covered up. I do respect people who decide that being a JW is for them because the freedom of religion in this country is a great thing but there is no excuse for religious authorities to turn a blind eye to abuse.

1969,
I got the chai with the shot of sugar free vanilla. It definitely helped soothe my mud puddle muddle! I don't drink though so no brandy was added! :) I keep wondering if Prince goes door to door. Hmm...

Brianna,
I guess the grind doesn't stop even when there's bad weather!

MDC,
I am laughing SO hard picturing them holding their literature out the car window! That's hilarious!

This rain is no joke. Last time we had rain like this, that hillside in La Conchita (by Santa Barbara) collapsed and buried all those people. Remember that? That was so sad. We got a little break last night and also this morning, but it's really coming down right now.

Velvet,
I shouldn't complain because we have had a total drought for so long, but too many days of rain in a row is sort of getting to me.

The Joy
Yeah, I guess I should be glad I didn't slip on ice!

Angela,
The whole state is just getting pounded! That's horrible that that woman said that. Who says that sort of thing! My evil twin would've been like, "Yeah, and one of those babies is gonna grow up and marry your daughter and then you're gonna have some n**** grandbabies. So there!" -- all of which is why I need to get my head checked sometimes!
anno said…
LA is supposed to be miserable because of drought, traffic, smog, and paparazzi. Doesn't seem fair that there should also be sudden downpours, avalanches, and tornados.

Like hearts in san francisco, I am glad you weren't hurt and that clothes can be cleaned.
Liz Dwyer said…
Anno,
Well I suppose we need the rain to help us forget those raging fires we had last fall! :) The rain is making the air smell so clean that I wish we could get it every few days in the summer when the smog is at it's worst. And I'm glad I wasn't hurt either!
I can't stand them because I resent their attitude and that of all who proselytize that their religion alone has God's ear and everyone else is going straight to hell.

When I lived in the South, every last organized sect was after my soul. I felt like a carcass being picked clean even though there clearly wasn't enough of me to go around.

I think religion is a private matter between a person and his or her deity of choice and that all humans should respect our differences. Conversion pushers are the ultimate insult.
Anonymous said…
AAAHHH stop whining..we were freezing our arses off in Indy while you were dealing with a little rain...Lucky for me I don't live in Northern Indiana...my husband lives in Ft. Wayne and its a freakin' tundra up there! I swear, Ya'll Californinia's are gettin' weak...ya need to get back to the midwest..we get it all...snow, sleet then a torrential downpour...all in one week!

Sorry about the mud...My two biggest fears is slippin and fallin in ice (more likely to happen in Indiana) or slipping and fallin' in mud and rain...I see you've gotten that experience!
Jon said…
I'll take my snow any day!
Liz Dwyer said…
Heart,
I hear you. I've been told I'm going to hell enough times in my life, that's for sure. It gets a more than a little tiresome. I don't mind someone telling me about their beliefs, but I'm with you in that I don't like it when they try to make it seem like if I don't adopt them, I'm going to burn in hell.

Gyamfua,
I've heard! I have family in Northern Indiana and they have been freezing! I do feel bad complaining to them but the rain here is the weather equivalent of lake effect snow!

Jon,
Well you guys do seem to be having fun in it! :)

Popular Posts