Don't Be Orange! Just Be White!

My father can't be out in the sun.

If he's out there for even ten minutes without some sort of sun protection, he starts to burn. He turns a nasty red color and it's not pretty.

Last spring when he was here in LA, he took a trip to Santa Monica pier on a cloudy day. He left the hat and the sunblock at his hotel because of the clouds. Big mistake because he turned into a nice, pink lobster.

He can't help it though because he's Irish.

I have been told by a few very stupid people over the years that he only married my black mom because he needed her to legitimize his jazz career, and because he didn't want to have melanin-challenged children. But overall, I think he's done alright accepting his whiteness.

I'm not so sure about these white men running for president.

Right now, I'm watching a rerun of the republican presidential forum on Fox News. I'm only watching this because I can't sleep and I don't feel like watching Zorro movies on TNT for the umpteenth time.

Anyway, I have no idea where Ron Paul is so I can't speak for him, but I'm watching five white guys who all appear to be having a really hard time accepting their whiteness. They probably all have the burning up in the sun problem my dad has, but today they are not white like he is. Nope, they are all absolutely, positively...orange.

In the dead of winter, in New Hampshire, they're orange.

Fred Thompson looks like he took a burnt sienna crayon and colored himself. He forgot to do his hands though so when he holds them up by his face, it looks really weird because the hands are sooo white.

I'll give him a pass though because since he's an actor, he can't help it.

Rudy Giuliani...well, he's so dark tonight that I half expect him to bust out that he's not really Italian. Yes, get ready for scandal! He's gonna reveal a deep dark secret that his parents are really lighter-skinned blacks who decided to pass themselves off as Italians. So we can feel comfortable voting for him as our nation's first black president.

Rudy's another one who missed matching his hands to his face.

John McCain is a weird peach-orange color. His hair looks really silvery white against the orange of his face. His stylist clearly colored his scalp orange too, so there's streaks of orange peeping through his comb-over. I'll give him credit though for at least sporting his natural hair color, even if someone should have told him that that tone of silvery white clashes with the orange skin.

Mike Huckabee is sitting next to Mitt Romney. Goodness, the animosity between these two is palpable. If looks could kill!

Mitt is definitely tanner than Mike, and he looks like he might have hooked up his hands too.

See, this fact doesn't help him because it just increases his rep of being a pretty boy. He's 60 years old and he has less gray hair on his head than I do! Does he really think we believe that phony two or three gray hairs by the ears?

Huckabee has a head of brown hair but he's got that nice round bald spot in the middle. When he tilts his head down, it's clear the stylists forgot to apply the tanner right there. He forgot the white hands as well.

Gosh, Mitt Romney just shot Huckabee another evil look.

Mitt's probably thinking, "I should steal Huckabee's stylist and see how he gets along without self-tanner!"

Who has clearly told these men that Americans only like their men orange, not white? And that we will not vote for someone who's just their plain old white self, even though every other president we've had has been, well, old and white! (I can't say "plain" because we all know how good looking JFK was.)

So please, someone, anyone, hip these guys to the fact that none of us want to elect an Oompa Loompa. Make them take a lesson from my dad and just be the white guys they were born to be.