Hey Starbucks! No...Crowds Do Not Endear!

The cups are a lovely shade of red, nice and bright, appropriately festive. They are also coated with the most asinine, saccharin, "Christmasy" sayings that I'm sure are supposed to make me feel all warm and gooey inside. Except they don't. Take this one for example:
"Lost mittens return, cab rides are shared and for a few short weeks CROWDS ENDEAR perfect strangers who exchange warm greetings in lieu of a passing nod."
My first complaint is that that sentence has to be the most awkward phrasing of all time. I'm not an English teacher so I'll leave commentary on the mechanics alone. Let me just talk about the content.
First of all, if you lost your mittens, they are not getting returned. They are resting peacefully in mitten purgatory. You'd best get yourself to the mall so you can purchase a new pair and increase some store's fourth quarter profits.
Let's not forget, Starbucks thinks you should take a cab to the mall. Cabs are so nostalgic, so very Miracle on 34th Street. Plus sharing will help eliminate global warming, right? Well, call me cynical but the only times I see people catching cabs in LA is when they're stuffing luggage into one at LAX, or else they're climbing into one, drunk after partying at some Hollywood hot-spot. For all you big-city east-coasters out there, when it's cold and you're running late, be honest, you are not going to share a cab with someone else unless that person is a rich and famous celebrity with an US Weekly cover. Plus, if you aren't living in a big city, do you even see taxis?
Third, the writer of this "sentence" has clearly never been to a mall right before the holidays, let alone spent any time in a crowded Starbucks where people will try to decapitate you if you accidentally pick their drink up off the counter. Maybe the writer has never heard someone growl, "Read the name on the cup!" after you say, "Sorry, I thought that was my soy chai!"
I'd love to see what might be written on this cup after the writer tries to get a parking spot at the Glendale Galleria on December 23rd. I suppose I should be more hopeful for our consumer culture, I mean, holiday spirit. I'm sure reading these warm greetings on the cups will really help folks get through the holidays intact. I'll have to eat my words if I see a story in the LA Times detailing how reading this very cup saved someone on the 405 from road rage.
If I do see that story, I'll give everyone who reads this blog a dollar!
Comments
Lost mittens, return!
Cab rides are... (shared?) (and for a few).
...short weeks.
CROWDS!!!
ENDEAR, perfect strangers.
Who [will] exchange warm greetings
in lieu of a passing nod?
Now all you have to do is change "endear" for "endure."
Maht, your editing made the cup much more comprehensible. Starbucks should have hired you. Indeed, you are a freelance villain. I agree, the crowds will endure no matter what.
Mitten Purgatory - Awesome!
Now I'm off to do my version at poetry slams throughout Chicago.
There is a Starbucks inside this Vons...I don't think it was helping anything since the line was almost snaking out the door. I saw a whole bunch of pissed off Angelenos stalking back to their cars, red cups clutched in what can only be described as a Darth Vaderesque death grip.
English is becoming a lost art.
I have yet to see a friendly crowd anywhere, especially during the holidays. It's impossible to ignore the irony of such widescale rudeness and hostility in the so-called season of love and peace.