Thirteen Things You Should NOT Assume about Los Angelista

It's Thursday! That means it's time for another Thursday Thirteen! Voila!

Thirteen Things You Should NOT Assume about Los Angelista:

1) I'm An Angry Black Woman: Don't assume I'm just trying to see racism in everything. There really is a LOT of racism in this country. And I don't just mean idiots like Rush Limbaugh calling Barack Obama the "little black man-child" or dumb children at the mall calling my kids brown monkeys. It's who gets promoted and who doesn't. Who's seen as professional and who isn't. Who gets suggested for something when some "diversity" is needed and who doesn't. Which kids get pulled over by the cops and asked, "Is that your bike? Where'd you get it? Prove it!" And whose record gets made, who gets cast in a movie and whose book gets published. Seriously, people, racism isn't just guys with sheets over their heads.

2) Child Abuse: Don't assume that just because I'm black that I beat my kids. Please note, all black parents do not beat their children. And, let me tell you something about my kids: Those boys laugh and say, "C'mon, mommy, spank us!" If they had ever gotten a beat down with belts, shoes, vacuum cleaner parts or extension cords, they would not have jokes about spanking. Don't get it twisted though. My not beating them doesn't mean they get away with whatever. I may not beat you but I am NOT playing! You must behave if you want to stay alive.

3) Nouveau Neo-Soul: Don't assume that because I now wear my hair natural that I've been born again as some neo-soul boho chick who's burning incense and listening to Bob Marley 24/7. I'll throw some imaginary panties on stage at a Maxwell concert with the rest of y'all, but otherwise, I'm still a Depeche Mode ride-or-die stan.

4) If I'm a Big Depeche Mode fan, I Also Love The Smiths: Don't assume I'm slobbering over records by The Smiths. My love for Depeche Mode has NOTHING to do with either The Smiths or Morrissey. Both are fine with me but they just didn't do it for me in the same way as Depeche Mode. Trust me, I listen to my first love, Mozart, way more than any Smiths record.

5) I'll Write For Free: Please don't assume I'll write something totally for free. I'm not materialistic but money is a good thing. In fact, I'm looking for more stuff that will pay me to write or may lead to writing opportunities that pay. Why? Because those kids I'm not beating eat a LOT and I know you've seen how prices at the grocery store are out of control. And if you can't pay me, at least butter me up by sending me Starbucks and Barnes & Noble gift cards as a thank you.

6) Transcendental Meditation Product Review On My Blog: Please don't assume I'll post a review of your transcendental meditation CDs. No mas. On the other hand, if you want me to review your makeup, clothes, skincare, gadgets, toys or stilettos, let me know. I'm open to the possibility.

7) Marathon Training = A Skinnier Moi:
Please don't assume my training for a marathon is a weight loss strategy. Let me just say that there are MUCH easier and less time consuming ways to lose a few pounds than training for a marathon. True, I'll probably secretly wish I could be ten pounds thinner for the rest of my days, but you know what, I am not a number on my scale. I'm not worried about it, and in the meantime, I gotta live my life and get ready to run nine miles on Saturday morning.

8) Not Impressed By Name Dropping: Yes, I know I live in LA, but please don't assume I'll think you're more interesting because you went to some party and some "star" said hi to you. Or is going to work on a script with you. Or you might get to do backing vocal tracks on their record. Good for you. Stop trying to act like it makes you more important because it's irritating. Granted, I'd be excited if you told me you'd met a member of Depeche Mode, Orlando Bloom or Michelle and Barack Obama, but otherwise, yawn. Celebrity azzes are not gold-plated.

9) I Want To Be Your Facebook Friend: Don't assume that just because you met me once in a galaxy far, far away, that I want to be your Facebook Friend. Guess what? There's a reason I've ignored your friend request: We aren't friends! Oh, wait... you still think we are? OK, can I borrow $10?

10) Tech Savvy: Don't assume that just because I have a blog that I'm somehow super tech savvy. I'm not. I've gotten my share of compliments from various tech guys and gals over the years, but I still don't know how to design a website from scratch. I've tried and turned more of my hair gray in the process.

11) I Like To Talk On The Phone: Don't assume that just because I like to read and write that I like to talk on the phone a lot. I actually don't. I do it because obviously, in this day and age, how can someone not talk on the phone. But, it's not my favorite mode of communication. And, I'm notorious for not checking my voicemail. I'm lucky if I get to it once a week. Send me a text message or an email instead.

12) I Can Deal With Seeing Meat: Don't assume I won't vomit if you order a steak and decide to eat it while sitting next to me. I've been a vegetarian for so long that I honestly can't deal with seeing blood seeping out of something on your plate. If you do this, trust me, I'll never go out to eat with you again.

13) That there's a number 13: Don't assume that just because I came up with 12 things that number 13 is on the tip of my tongue. Writer's block, you know. I'll leave it up to you to fill in the blank. What's something you wish people would not assume about you?

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Anonymous said…
Well, talking of vegetarians, I wish people wouldn't assume I eat meat when I haven't done for 33 years! I mean, there are quite a lot of us veggies around!

I also wish people wouldn't assume I'm into all the traditional male obsessions simply because I'm male. Sorry you find it so unbelievable, guys, but football and sport leave me completely cold.

"So you still think we're friends? Okay, can I borrow $10?" Priceless!
Anonymous said…
I like #3. Since I've grown out my natural hair, complete with grays, some people think all sorts of who knows what.

As for voicemail, I predict nobody's using it by 2010. Takes too long!

David Sullivan said…
I never assume anything about anyone...not because "you make an ASS out of U and ME, but because most books aren't like their cover. Plus I don't trust anyone as far as I can throw 'em 'till I know 'em. If we were to meet up next time I am in LA we would have to get coffee, no food, because I need meat at every meal!
Toni Campbell said…
LOL! I love de-bunking people's assumptions.
After being labeled the Angry Black Woman at work, I realized that they always bring up race first. Now I just don't engage.
I am the natural hair wearing Nouveau Neo-soul, Bob Marley 24/7 girl, but my iPod still has Van Halen & Fleetwood Mac on it!
I name-drop celebrities that I meet, but my idea of celebrity is different than most. I got excited when Ron Clark, former Teacher of the Year, came in our store. (Oh, and I haven't met Barack or Michelle, but I did meet Governor Huckabee :)
My personal favorite assumption: Don't assume that because I am African-American that I am a Christian.
Liz Dwyer said…
You're supposed to be eating lamb and cabbage every chance you get, right? Folks need to wise up and recognize that Paul McCartney isn't the only British man to be a vegetarian.

My real friendship test is can I call you if my car won't start and I'm stranded. If so, then we really are friends.

I've noticed people just staring at my hair like it's grown wings. It's pure comedy sometimes. You might be right about voicemail. It definitely does take too long to leave a message.

I can deal with chicken and fish consumption. That doesn't bug me at all, so you might be safe on that front. Otherwise, I'm always down for some coffee... well, you get the coffee, I'll get some chai!

We all attend black mega-churches, too, right? SO not true! And I love VH and Fleetwood Mac. I was just listening to Dreams earlier today. I would get really excited by meeting a teacher of the year. I remember meeting our ex-governor, Gray Davis at the Beverly Center. That was pretty exciting. But you know how some people do. They don't just share how cool it was to meet someone. They try to act like it somehow makes them better than you. And that's annoying.
Anonymous said…
I didn't assume any of this. If you hadn't said something, I'd never know you were black, from LA, or training for a marathon.
Jennifer said…
I like the phone one...I rarely check my home phone voice mail (and maybe my cell phone voice mail every few days) -- email and text are much more my speed. But I wouldn't assume that about anyone else. Glad to know I'm not alone!

Love your blog!
1969 said…
Yay.....I will throw your imaginary panties onstage on October 9th at Radio City for you :)

Love this list. You slay me!
Jen said…
Loved this - it just cracked me up. I think I may have to do something similar. Maybe after the election.

Hmmmm... maybe before.
Liz Dwyer said…
Thanks for visiting! You wouldn't assume any of that? Not even that a blog named Los Angelista has anything to do with someone from LA? :) I'm really writing about people who know me in my real life... and those who've been reading my blog for a little bit know more about me.

No, you're not alone! I am absolutely horrible with my home phone voicemail. Absolutely horrible. The only way I know about any calls on that one is if my husband tells me. It's bad.

I'll do a pretend underwear toss here in my living room on the evening of the 9th! Goodness, I can't even imagine!
Liz Dwyer said…
Do it before the election! It's 47 days till then and you need something to take your mind off of all the back and forth drama. Ugh, 7 days till the 1st debate!
Mes Deux Cents said…
Hi Liz!

"Don't assume that just because I like to read and write that I like to talk on the phone a lot. I actually don't. "

I hate the phone too, especially cell phones! I used to like talking on the phone but as I think about it that's because I was in love 'back then'.

Now I can barely tolerate being on the phone for more than five, make that three minutes.

Anyway..I missed your blog. I hope all is well with you and the family. :)
Liz Dwyer said…
SO glad to hear from you! I've missed you! Everybody's doing great down here in the southern half of the state! And, isn't it funny how when you're in love you can talk on the phone to someone for hours but then later on, you're like, get to the point! The one exception to the phone thing is that I don't mind talking to my family. I can talk to them for ages. :)
wait you mean you're not angry? ha

I'd like to to know where that stereotype came from. Then again many sisters have a lot to be angry about. hmmm
Ah come on The Smiths wrote Meat Is Murder afterall. Actually I think my favorite Smith's song is Please Please Please Let Me Get What I Want as some of my other faves were just overused in tv shows and movies. I can't think of one fave DM song though I always loved the remix for Sea of Sin and Fly on the Windscreen and Love Thieves as well as a bunch of other hits.
Anonymous said…
I'm angry that your natural hair, vegetarian, Depeche Mode loving self doesn't really like talking on the phone!!! You know I'm not good with e-mail!!! Also I think you probably should beat your sons especially that little one!!!(just kidding don't you dare beat them)
Liz Dwyer said…
I wonder where that came from as well. Sometimes it seems like everybody is a little angry. And why isn't there a stereotype of the angry white man? Or the angry white woman?

The Smiths just have never inspired me in the same way. I like them but not as much. And commercials? The worst thing happening right now is the "version" of Mode's "Just can't get enough" in the Payless Shoes ads. Drives me insane!
Liz Dwyer said…
Hahaha! I still never got the email you supposedly sent me! Where is it? I don't mind talking to you though. :) And the little one needs a whole posse of folks to beat him. Full of attitude!
Anonymous said…
Los Angelista,
9 miles eh? Sounds like you’re on pace! Time to try some ‘strides’ at the end of the run; that’s running about 50, 60 yards at a much faster pace then slowing down then picking it back up; do about 5 – 6 of these at first. The reason? All the “long”, slow jogging will ‘teach’ those legs to just shuffle, so by speeding it up at the end, you’ll learn a little faster leg turn-over. I doubt you’re going to do any true speed work, so try this technique.

So, no Smiths. But no dissin’ The Cranberries; their Irish also!

I can’t say I really understood much of the rest, especially 5, 6, & 8 – 11. Do people just randomly ask for things?

For “Toni”: Wow! Van Halen and Fleetwood Mac too? I still love “Little Dreamer” and about any live version of “I’m So Afraid” (respectively). What are your fav’s?
Anonymous said…
Los Angilista,
And if I get a few tickets to the Maxwell show November 1st at the Shrine Auditorium, who's in?
Anonymous said…
#13- Just because I wear a D-Cup I am any of the following: Stupid, shallow, a party girl, unable to change my own oil, that I breastfed my baby, that I can crush beer cans with my breasts, that I name them, that I don't know what the capital of Spain is, that I would be interested in performing fellacio on you.
Liz Dwyer said…
I started doing some speed intervals a couple of weeks ago during my weekly training runs, but not at the end of my long Saturday run. I'll have to try that. I like the Cranberries (such lovely voices) and I do like The Smiths, it's just that I don't like them as much as Depeche Mode and sometimes people think I'm fanatical about just any British band that started in the '80s. Yes, people just ask for stuff and say all sorts of random things to me all the time. I usually don't mind but I guess I was just venting! And Maxwell at the Shrine!!!

Crushing beer cans! Good grief! But yeah, those are all definitely things folks will assume about you if things aren't flat upstairs.
Mrs4444 said…
Okay, as long as you don't assume that just because I live in Wisconsin, I clean the house in a cheesehead hat :)
Liz Dwyer said…
LOL! I promise, I won't. Gosh, now I want to eat some cheddar!

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