Followed by a Security Guard.

This afternoon, Yours Truly got followed by the security guard at my local Rite-Aid. I guess my blackness pursuit of Q-Tips, lip gloss, and a package of toilet paper must've looked super suspicious to her.

Or maybe it was that my friendly self was just waay too chipper (or waay too super fly) when I walked through the sliding doors. Ms. Security Guard (MSG) was standing there in her too-tight blue uniform. I actually had the nerve to smile at her and say hello.

Next thing you know, she's hovering three feet away from me while I was checking out the various shades of the mucho overpriced Revlon Colorstay Mineral Lipglaze. I almost asked her if she needed something because she was all up in my kool-aid but I figured, whatever, let me put this lipgloss down and actually get rolling to the stuff I really need: Q-Tips and toilet paper.

So, I head over to the aisle with the Q-Tips. Sure enough. MSG trailed along behind me. She wasn't even subtle about it.

Oh, wait, I hear you saying, "Aww, be nice! MSG was just trying to get up the courage to ask you out for a date! After all, she's been inspired by Lindsay Lohan and Clay Aiken coming out." Well, if you could've seen how evil and twisted up her expression was, you wouldn't be thinking that AT ALL! Instead you'd be thinking you were in a remake of The Exorcist. Seriously, I thought MSG's head was about to spin around!

I meandered my way over to a whole other part of the store so I could get a package of toilet paper and guess who stayed four steps behind me. Really? I mean, really? It's like that? I actually did a full 180 degree turn and stared her down with the most evil, WTF is your problem look I could muster. Trust me, I used to be a teacher, it's not that hard for me to rustle up this look. Ms. Security Guard pretended to be looking at her nails and then stared over my head.

That's when I decided I was going to torture this woman. I made up my mind to go back to the makeup aisle and palm and massage every tube of lipstick and nail polish on the shelves. Then I was going to read EVERY magazine up in there, and THEN make my way through the haircare section and make sure to read the ingredient list on ever bottle of shampoo.

My shadow followed me back over to the makeup aisle. After about ten minutes of MSG's standing a few feet away from me, and me doing my best to ignore her, I decided to just leave. I still bought my Q-tips and toilet paper -- the cashier was super sweet and chatty -- and then I headed for the exit.

Yes, MSG was standing by the door. As I strolled out through the sliding doors I totally wanted to pop her in the lip and yell, "And, what? Bee-yotch! No alarm went off because I didn't steal anything! Now suck it!"

That would be wrong though. Right?

Let me just ask, did this heffa follow the greasy looking guy buying two cases of beer at one in the afternoon? Nope. Did she follow the punk-rock wannabe yapping all loud on her cell phone while massaging the gift card display? Nope. The shady looking guy with sores all over his mouth hanging over by the medicine aisle? Oh no. She decided to follow me.

I didn't complain to the store manager. Nope. Because this is what security guards are taught to do when blackness walks through the door. I can just hear the manager now, "I'm sorry ma'am but we can''t be too careful about black people in the store shoplifters. Sorry for your inconvenience.

And damn, I'm not even male or darker skinned. She would've had me in cuffs for sure if that had been the case.

Yeah, just another day in the United States of Bailout. Racism alive and well in the '08.