Held Back By Ego

I'm having one of those "I'm An Uninspired Blogger" days. I contemplated writing about how ridiculous Toby Keith's comments are or about how I've decided I'm going to run the marathon in some sort of Depeche Mode related outfit, but every time I sat down in front of the computer, my fingers seemed unable to move. Instead I spent time checking out some lovely earrings on Etsy that I really like and playing with my boys.

I'm sure part of it is that I didn't go to bed till 4 AM and then woke up at 6:30 this morning. Why, after such a short nap do I look in the mirror and see my eyes red with bags under them and think, "You are getting too old to be staying up all night,"?

I tried to go to sleep. Sort of. It's just that I savor being awake in the quietness of my neighborhood and I know how elusive sleep can be for me so I refuse to add that to my list of things to worry about, stress about, think and overthink.

Yes, I've been thinking about stuff that stresses me out. There's the seemingly unimportant things that can make such a big difference in the long run. Example? Well, I'm a slow runner so I wonder if I should I switch from a 12 minute marathon pace group to the 13. The 12 really runs an 11 minute pace but with a couple of walk breaks, it turns into 12 minutes per mile. So the 13 mpm really runs a 12. I don't mind running 11 mpm for a short distance, but I can't really see that for a longer distance. But my competitive side comes out and doesn't want to back down from the group I've signed up for.

I've also been thinking about my young niece who suffers from mental illnesses and has completely flipped out over the past two weeks. She was spiraling downhill majorly right before I left to come back home to LA and now she's pretty near the complete crash and burn stage. How sad to talk to my mom who's unsure where my niece is and is so worried. Some drama went down on Friday or Saturday night and now, is she in a homeless shelter or not? Is she taking her medication or not? So many families of folks with mental illnesses go through this and essentially, there's nothing you can do about the person's situation because they aren't a minor. I can't control it. No one can. And I hate that. (Ego, again.)

There are other things I worry about in my personal life but I never share them on my blog and don't intend to start doing so today. Prayer helps but again, my ego keeps me from letting it go, even as I know the worrying does nothing to help me find solutions for the things weighing on my mind. Ego is clearly holding me back from seeing my all my options with the utmost clarity.


Anonymous said…
Sending many positive thoughts your way (and I would love to see a Depeche Mode marathon outfit!)
Call Family said…
ok, i am not usually the sponsoring type, but...i'd pay money to see you run in a depeche mode outfit-you are too funny liz!
Liz, I hope things get better soon.
Liz Dwyer said…
Thanks for the positive thoughts. I really really need them. And the outfit, well, I think I'm going to be happy my downstairs neighbor knows how to sew!

It sort of sprang to mind this afternoon while I was trying to convince their much maligned but very nice webmaster to run the marathon as well. He said he didn't run and I told him he could walk it instead and that we could then auction off his marathon outfit on Ebay and make mad $$ by saying that members of Depeche Mode breathed on it. Some psycho fan, not me but the, er, other psycho fans out there, would be sure to snap his sweaty duds up tout de suite! ;)

Thanks, I hope so as well. There's a lot of uncertainty, a lot that seems in limbo and that always fills me with ridiculous amounts of anxiety.
1969 said…
Liz...uneasy lies the head that wears the crown.

As a fellow Wonder Woman, I empathize with you on all of the thoughts that keep you awake at night.

Just know that I am saying a prayer that the soultions work themselves out quickly. HUGS!
Unknown said…
Hugs and warm wishes go a long way, so we are all sending them to you. You know the community has your back!

Good thing you guys left before the tornados here!
Ian Lidster said…
I use the Serenity Prayer all the time. I believe it works. And, if it doesn't, it makes me feel better.
May you have a good night's sleep, dear.
Jen said…
I hope things get easier for you. Mental illness is so hard to deal with and this country really gives so few options. My heart goes out to you and your family - my family (like most) had some issues in that area, too, and it is, indeed, heartbreaking.
Anonymous said…
Switch to the 13-minute pace, Liz. Trust me. It is ALWAYS better to go too slow for a marathon than too fast. The goal is finishing. When you finish, you can say you've done it--and most people are so impressed they don't even ask your time. Switch and one less thing to worry about! :)

Shiona said…
Sending positive thoughts and prayers your way. I think you should switch groups as well. You can be competitive and have fun too right?
Liz Dwyer said…
The prayers worked because I'm better now -- for a moment there I wanted to chuck the crown into the trash and throw a few things. Not productive.

Oh my goodness, that was freakish wasn't it? I'm really glad that we did not have to experience tornado sirens for anything other than a drill!

Very familiar with that one for sure. I find myself saying it almost unconsciously sometimes. I fell asleep finally around 5 AM -- wanted to kill the gardeners and their loud as all heck leaf blowers at 7 AM!

I've been trying to be detached from it and just pray for her. I spent three hours with her one afternoon a couple of weeks ago and the experience still has me a little freaked out. It was like mania and paranoia on steroids. We definitely have our share of mental illness in our family and it's so hard because on the one hand, the person is making their own choices, own decisions, while on the other hand, they're minds are not sound so what tools do they have to really make a good decision about anything.

I had a great four mile run tonight at a 10:30 pace (thank you, crazy techno mix!) but I think I will switch down to the 13 mile one for my training run this Saturday. I'll see how it feels. I definitely don't want to have to be getting up on Saturday dreading the long runs and I want to be able to actually finish on March 1st without hobbling across the finish line!

Thank you so much for the positivity and prayers. Gosh, I feel so much better -- still not asleep, but at least my mindset has improved considerably. The prayers were working, clearly! And you are so right on. I have to remember that competitive and fun can co-exist. Besides, it's not like I'm one of those elite two hour folks anyway!
Lola Gets said…
My little sister has a mental illness, but she doenst think so (even though shes been diagnosed by drs). Folks in the family talked this weekend, and discovered that no ones heard from her in a long, long while. Im a mite worried. Hopefully, itll be fine.

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