You Don't Have Mixed Girls Hair

Did you know that I have weird, frizzy, nappy hair and I shouldn't? Apparently, since one of my parents is white, it's supposed to be a different texture.

Last night was quite fab till I decided to slap on my dunce cap and make a late-night run to CVS to pick up a few things. (Note to self, stay away from CVS after 11:30 pm.)

Alas, while perusing some lipstick I didn't need, a pretty, twenty-something African-American woman asked, "Excuse me, is that your hair?"'

Um, yes. It got stapled it to my scalp this morning. It is.

I get all excited when I think I'm about to have a conversation with a young sista about ditching chemicals and rocking the natural hair that grows out of her head. I was ready to drop knowledge. Smiles all around.

She was skeptical and didn't believe I don't have any chemicals in my hair. Nope, I insisted. I'm chemical free. I don't even use chemical hair dye.

I wanted to stab myself in the eyeball when she said, "Well I guess I could get away with being natural if I had hair like you. You kinda got a good grade of hair."

First of all, who the heck still uses the word "grade" to describe hair? This isn't school and there's no A+ being handed out for hair textures. Secondly, a "good" grade automatically implies that there's a "bad" grade.

I'll spell out the code language: A bad grade =more highly textured, kinky hair. More African. A good grade of hair means your hair is straighter and more European.

Same crap, different day. Heard it before. Yawn.

However, I recognize the signs of internalized oppression so I patiently gave her my spiel on how healthy hair is good hair and how people of African descent with highly textured hair don't have to apologize for the way our hair looks, and we don't have to make it straighter or make it curl in a more socially acceptable manner.

"Well that's easy for you to say since you don't have that super-black hair."

She said it like "super-black" is something bad, but I tried to focus on what I thought she was trying to say, which was that to some people, my hair is more acceptable because it's not the most highly textured hair on the planet. No doubt that's true because unfortunately, that's the way racism in America intersects with our standard of beauty.

Then she asked me if both my parents are black.

No ma'am, they're not. My mom's black but she's the one with the Beatles and Rolling Stones records, she doesn't eat soul food and she speaks 100% Kings English. I'm sure in somebody's book, that doesn't make her "super black." As for my dad, he's white. He can also play the heck out of a Duke Ellington song on the piano and he refuses to eat tomatoes or mushrooms. Does that mean he's not "super white"? But I digress. Back to the tale at hand...

She replied, "You're half white? I thought you might be part Mexican or something." Um. Hmm. Really? That's a new one. And she continued. "No offense, but most mixed people I know have a better grade of hair than you do."

There are so many things wrong with that statement, but clearly, the message was that I've been cheated by genetics because I don't have Mariah Carey's or Alicia Keys' hair.

"It's just weird that your hair is so frizzy and nappy and your dad is white. ARE YOU SURE YOU'RE MIXED?"

1) weird
2) frizzy
3) nappy

Hold up! She asked ME about my hair. I was nice enough to explain it and answer her questions, and she says I'm weird, frizzy and nappy - all three clearly meant in a derogatory manner. Now I want to start a new blog called weird+frizzy+nappy= HOTNESS to combat the myth that any of those things are bad.

OK, maybe I'll just make it weird + nappy = HOTNESS because I can truly do without frizz.

But, as for questioning my parentage... sadly, this is not the first time that's been said to me. I've even been told that maybe the "problem" with my hair is that my mom's black instead of white. Yeah, my black mom ruined my chances of having a non "super-black", "good" grade of hair.

I was finished with the conversation and I was starting to think about how it is that people get beat up in public, so I told her that I had to go because I was in a hurry and to have a good night. Then I excused myself and left without getting any of the stuff I meant to. I came home, started writing down what happened, fell asleep and now, a few hours later, reflecting on the whole interaction just makes me feel incredibly sad.

Not only was she insulting a total stranger, her statements were just flat out ignorant. I've stopped and talked to strangers before and usually, as long as they don't try to pet me, I'm cool talking about my hair. I'm especially happy to talk to black women about my hair, because we need all the encouragement we can get to rock what grows out of our head.

There are people who I see every day who never compliment my hair and then the minute I straightened it a couple of months ago because my kid caught lice and I was trying to check my hair to see if I had it and it was really hard to do so when it was curly, THAT is when I heard for the first time in eons, "Wow, your hair looks amazing."

I expect that crap. I really do. This is America and people are trained to think straight hair is the most beautiful. But to be insulted in CVS and have my parentage questioned and be interrogated like I'm some circus freak when I'm just trying to buy lipstick... AAGH!

Comments

Jameil said…
This is why I avoid talking to people. LOLOL. Isn't it strange when you are reminded people aren't as evolved as you'd hoped? I've gotten to the point where the nutty things people say about my hair are just another minor irritant. But, really? People still start phrases with "No offense, but"? #cmonson That screams I'm about to say something that will make you consider harming me.
Kandeezie said…
Ugh!! That's all that I can say without cursing.
Anonymous said…
This is the mindset of many African American women due to centuries of attempting to adhere to a European standard of beauty. The constant belitting of African features has damaged the psyche of many of these women, subtle as it may be. Acceptance of self is the 1st step to freedom and non conformity to negative imagery.
dmac said…
Hmmmm....maybe she was jealous? Cuz you hair is FAB!!
Paulette said…
ARGH! Why is straight hair the standard? Ever try to look up "curly" hair dos online (like when you're looking for a new 'do and need a pic to guide the hairstylist)? The number of pix that are straight hair that has been curled vs ACTUAL curly hair is about 17 trillion to 1.

I ran into the owner of de Cielo Salon in Burbank a few weeks ago and he was promoting his Brazilian blowout. I told him I liked my curly hair, and asked if he had anyone who knew how to cut it. He recommended Tony, who would cut it, then STRAIGHTEN IT and it would stay like that for days, and wasn't that great?! I wanted to smack the man.

I shouldn't be offended that stylists aren't trained to deal with curly hair, but I am. It's not like I asked to be born with this hair. And it took me nearly 20 years to learn to (overcome the media bullshit and) love it.

So thanks for this post. :)
Tracy said…
Ugh. That is soooo messed up. Like you, my hair is natural and something quite similar happened to me just a few weeks ago. I was minding my own damn business in the supermarket and a young brother, maybe 19 or 20, said to me, "You're a pretty red bone. Why are you wearing your hair nappy like that? That's for dark girls!".

I just looked at him like he was crazy and walked off. I mean, he had natural hair issues and complexion issues! How do you even answer that kind of ignorance?

I've been natural for over 5 years now, and it never ceases to amaze me how people think they can say all kinds of shit about my hair. When I had a perm, no one said boo about my hair.
Miss Leliel said…
I think your hair looks amazing as it is. Because you rock it so confidently, it shines even more!

I like my hair straight, but not for any conscious attempt of meeting society expects - but because I like the sharp, strict aesthetic (I have asymmetrical razored layers that frame my face when cut and styled proper). I curl it for formal events or when I want to look cute rather than cool as a cucumber.

But I always thought that was just me - maybe I'm naive, but I am surprised there aren't more people who want beautiful and awesome hair like yours! I always hear girls with straight hair complain that they don't have curls and volume, and girls with curls want it to be straight. Grass is greener on the other side?
Anonymous said…
I'm not surprised at all, and since I'm not quite grown yet (under 25), I probably would've cursed her out--I admire your restraint!

I just had a discussion on my blog about the "good hair = mixed hair" mindset after writing a post about a coworker who braided my hair last week and marveled over my "good hair". The implication was the opposite of that girl's though--my coworker seemed surprised that the "good hair" she was looking at was on a regular Black girl's head.

Most people have had nothing but good things to say about my transition, but it made me sad that when my hair is all natural there will still be some people who are on that "your hair's good enough to go natural" mess.

And no, the word "grade" hasn't gone out of style yet. I can think of 2 instances of Black girls (both around my age) asking about or commenting on my "grade" of hair.
Liz Dwyer said…
Jameil,
I swear, I'm a magnet for this kind of stuff. It's like I have a sign flashing above my head that says, "Yo, come say crazy stuff to me!"

I think "no offense" should be banned from the English language!

Kandeezie,
Yep. It's really frustrating.

Anon,
It has damaged the psyche of our entire community, male and female. The other day I was in Barnes and Noble and I stood there looking at all the fashion and women's magazines. As usual, where's the color? Pfft, thank God for Oprah putting herself on the cover every single month because otherwise, we'd be MIA. I will say I can imagine having the same conversation with a black man, except in those instances, they've actually grabbed my hair at the roots and said, "For reals? It's NOT a weave?"

Dmac,
Thanks for saying it's fab... I don't know if she was jealous or what. I hope she wasn't. There's no reason to be jealous.

Paulette,
Yep, we're supposed to be just dying searching for the perfect way to make our curls go away -and every dang makeover show on the planet transforms the curly-haired woman into some straight-haired "sleek" person. I hate it. I read those Brazilian's use FORMALDEHYDE!

WineGrrl,
Yep. Oy vey.

Tracy,
OH HECK NO! That's so ignorant. That's for dark girls? Yep, people do think they can say all sorts of insanity to you. They're happy to share and think you're crazy when you don't like it.

Amanda,
I wasn't confident at first. But I figured I had to just make a go for it and chop the straight stuff off. It takes backbone to have natural hair - I mean, even my husband has never once said my hair looks nice like this. It's ingrained in him to prefer the chemically straightened look, and that's true for a lot of Americans.

There's a great article on a natural hair site called Nappturality that addresses the argument that a black woman not straightening her hair is just like a white woman deciding not to color it. http://bit.ly/bOayiw - I've read it a couple times and appreciate the thought that went into writing it. It really breaks down why this thing with hair straightening is much more than a personal choice in the black community.

Jasmin,
I usually curse only when I'm back in my car and I'm by myself. :)

Yep, they say your hair is nice for a regular black hair - which implies that it's nice because it's not as kinky - and then you're supposed to be grateful for the compliment! It's infuriating.

I wish the hair grading would go out of style - then again, someone was asking me if my hair type was 3C or 4A and I was like, yo, I have no idea. Sigh.
mswoodenshoes said…
Sounds way too much like what people say about my oldest daughter's hair. I'm black, hubby's white and from looking at your picture she has hair similar to your "grade". But like you, she rocks it!!!
Unknown said…
Lawwwdddd have mercy. It's such a shame that Black people continue to feel like if their hair isn't blowing in the wind straight as can be that aren't pretty enough. Sadly I was one of those Black people too...I cut my hair hair last year after having my daughter and relunctantly got it relaxed in order rock my spiked do'. Now I'm sad not because I'm in the grueling process of growing my hair back out but because I miss my curls. It is a little more work to figure out how to style my hair and didn't help when my precious fiance said the other day that my hair looked "okay" in its kempt-unkempt style. whaaaaaat?! I just pray that Black folks will realize that once we accept what we look like others will be more inclined to do the same.

--hautemommie
Anonymous said…
you are a target! people can be so dang ignorant
Anonymous said…
Just have to appreciate that you share your heart and bring issues out in the open...must say that as a teacher, children develop belief systems early on and unfortunately many adults perpetuate it to the point of hurting children. We had a fifth grade girl rock a natural hair style last year. She was abused by nearly every child in the building AND most of the staff. She was so patient and strong. I remember trying to catch her in the lunchroom and reminding her of her beauty. The lunch women were telling her to 'Take care of her hair' implying it should be straightened, teachers were saying it was, 'unkept', etc. I wanted to cry everyday. She came to my class this year and I kept letting her know I also liked her natural hair style, as well as her current style. She eventually wore it natural during the year a few weeks. Then, at the end of this year there was another example of adult abuses...field day...it involves all sorts of water sports. My girls refused to play and those who didn't understand their 'hair concerns' with water were about to give them school consequences. I quietly jumped in and let the girls know they would be washing their hair and getting it done again before that Monday's graduation-it was Friday. They had so much fun!!! They splashed and ran around and dunked one another! They took photos of their 'after water hair dos'!!! They rocked it like video stars! The hope is that they can love their look either way!!! They are beautiful and we should recognize their beauty at all levels...hair, skin, virtues, etc!
Anonymous said…
Just have to appreciate that you share your heart and bring issues out in the open...must say that as a teacher, children develop belief systems early on and unfortunately many adults perpetuate it to the point of hurting children. We had a fifth grade girl rock a natural hair style last year. She was abused by nearly every child in the building AND most of the staff. She was so patient and strong. I remember trying to catch her in the lunchroom and reminding her of her beauty. The lunch women were telling her to 'Take care of her hair' implying it should be straightened, teachers were saying it was, 'unkept', etc. I wanted to cry everyday. She came to my class this year and I kept letting her know I also liked her natural hair style, as well as her current style. She eventually wore it natural during the year a few weeks. Then, at the end of this year there was another example of adult abuses...field day...it involves all sorts of water sports. My girls refused to play and those who didn't understand their 'hair concerns' with water were about to give them school consequences. I quietly jumped in and let the girls know they would be washing their hair and getting it done again before that Monday's graduation-it was Friday. They had so much fun!!! They splashed and ran around and dunked one another! They took photos of their 'after water hair dos'!!! They rocked it like video stars! The hope is that they can love their look either way!!! They are beautiful and we should recognize their beauty at all levels...hair, skin, virtues, etc!
Mel Sherman said…
You have the patience of a saint because I do not know if I had enough patience to refrain from bringing down a world of hurt on that woman. The audacity of some people!
Mel Sherman said…
You have the patience of a saint because I do not know if I had enough patience to refrain from bringing down a world of hurt on that woman. The audacity of some people!
junkyardmessiah said…
Well the good news in all this is...I guess I'm "super black" and didn't even know it! Woohoo! I can't wait to find out what my superpowers are.

I'm sorry you had to deal with this misinformed bitch. "No offense, but..." she is a bitch.
Lotus Flower said…
Someone should give that lady a nice hot cup of stfu. I hate people sometimes.
nick said…
Why do people think they're entitled to make grossly insulting remarks to other people they don't even know? She should deal with whatever's eating her up and making her so obnoxious. My opinion is, your hair rocks, Liz!
Toni Campbell said…
This just makes me incredibly sad! Having made peace with my "super-black" hair years ago, along with my place in society's standards of beauty, I sometimes forget that this mindset is still out there.
K. Rock said…
Ugggggghhh! That is awful. I would have never expected the conversation to go in that direction.I will be so happy when we can ditch all this self-hate and love ourselves for who we are. But I don't know if we are moving any closer to that.It's so sad.
1969 said…
Ignorance is truly bliss!
Liz Dwyer said…
Ms. Wooden Shoes,
What's really disheartening is how pervasive these kinds of comments/attitudes are - I'm so sorry your daughter has to hear comments like this. I'm an adult and it's hurtful, but it's so confusing for a child. We have to figure out how we nip these attitudes in the bud.

Leslie,
Yep. The couple of days my hair was straight this spring was awful because I 1) had forgotten how much more difficult straight hair is to take care of and 2) I missed the curls and 3) I didn't think the straight hair was as attractive. It's all about changing our mindset.

Anon,
I think the real problem is that I don't have very good personal boundaries and so I think it makes people comfortable saying lots of things to me.

Anon 2,
Thank you so much for sharing your comment. It made me tear up because how horrible that we're perpetuating this internalized hatred in our community. That poor fifth grade-girl. I'm so proud of her for keeping on her natural journey and I'm glad you've been put in her path to serve as a support.

Mel,
I do have a lot of patience - I guess it comes from having been a teacher. ;)

Junkyard Messiah,
HAHAHA! You have the super power of making me laugh. "No offense, but..." she is a bitch. ==>That's awesome.

Mimi,
An extra-hot cup. There's so much confusion in our culture and I don't think she had any idea that anything at all was wrong with her line of questioning/statements.

Nick,
People think they can make insulting remarks because we live in an insanely selfish, individualistic society.

Toni
I forget as well. Hmm... I should sell "Super Black" t-shirts.

K-Rock,
I didn't expect it either. Sometimes I'm not sure we're moving in a more positive direction, but I know we have to be. If I don't think that, there really is no hope.
allisonsara said…
I must be blessed -- a boy first to cut my teeth... then maybe I can handle a girl... this is not for wimps.
Liz Dwyer said…
Allison Sara,
Sadly, sometimes boys get it as well. I can't tell you how many times people have commented that my eldest has "good hair". It's annoying.
Sundry said…
I love that line, "I slapped on my dunce cap." You should seriously think about gathering your writing on this topic and pitching it as a book.

Of course you're gorgeous and your hair is fabulous...People who don't see it are looking through a lens distorted by social constructs they've been raised with.

Ignorance ends up causing a lot of pain. (Though I think anyone reasonable would know she was being nasty to say what that young woman said to you.)

I hate to think it, but I've probably said ignorant things to people when my last intention is to be hurtful. We can't know to avoid them if we don't even know there are landmines out there. Thanks so much for writing with such wit and compassion. There's no way to learn if people don't speak out. I honestly think that a lot of white people don't have a clue about this whole subject. I sure didn't before I started following your blog.
Janell said…
Wow. Just wow. I admire your forbearance in being civil to her.

I've never commented before, but I love your blog and your hair. And also, I love the YMCA.
SweetThang said…
That chick in CVS is crazy. I'm not mixed but I get all kinds of crazy questions about my hair. And people still try to disect(sp) my racial make up. I get those "Do you have Indian in your family?" type questions. To which I answer, "No, I have African in my family".

Like Jasmin mentioned in previous post. I had people talk to me about "grades" of hair. I've heard people say to me, "I could go natural if I had hair like yours but mine is too nappy. I have to keep it permed at all times."

My people. My people. I love my Black people but we still have some issues when it comes to our hair.
Anonymous said…
Wow! I can't believe someone would be that rude. And non-stop rude. Your hair is gorgeous! If I went natural, my hair would be gray (I'm a former and now out-of-the-bottle redhead). I'm not ready go natural yet.
Tempest Ahoy said…
Oh my gosh, people are sooooo rude! The fact they consider there are grades of hair is just ridiculous. There's not a grade of hair types any more then there are grades of skin colour types.People that think they are...ugh. I think your hair is fab-u-lous. For no other reason than it just plain looks good.
Lisa Johnson said…
I cannot believe what people have the audacity to say out loud! I'm sure that people think all kinds of stuff, and we really can't control everything that pops into our heads, but to say it??

Anyway, she's young and maybe it will take her a few years (decades?) to figure out the beauty of natural hair. I've recently found some really nice natural hair blogs with so much information. If she started reading these, she might start thinking differently and see the beauty of the texture and curl in our hair.
smh said…
Thank you! I laughed so hard reading this. I thought that foolishness was strictly about the water here on the East Coast. I can't tell you how rich I would be if I had a dime for every time someone asked me an off the wall hair question. My hair is wavy,curly and has a mind of it's own. I tend to wear it up w/ or without a ponytail aka Regeine on Living Single because it is easier and cooler and I do not have to fuss with it. Folks always as why I do not a) wear it loose or b) get a weave c) straighten it. Loose it is hot - it is literally 10 degrees cooler up. Weaves are just to hot and more work than I want and there is a limit to how straight this would ever be physics does not lie.

LOL peoples foolishness is too silly
Holistic Locs said…
OMG, yes.... I can relate!
Unknown said…
oh wow, I loved reading Liz' experience and more so the comments. I too have curly hair. Liz you and I can be sisters I saw you and thought wow, we look alike. Ah, the famous hair question. Why? although lately I've had many tell me "I love your hair" and that's it. Im very surprised at that since I've gotten the whole "you could be black" "Are you mixed? Are you 1/2 black?" Like some of you commented I've learned to love my hair, as crazy and wild as it is. It's easy to wear, wet and go! Liz you were right though people think wild hair means wild girl. I think it means confidence. My mom's friend said "who cares what your hair looks like as long as you wear it with attitude and confidence" and she's right! BTW...wearing my hair straight is more work - wrapping it and such, I just can't deal with that.

Curly! Nappy! Kinky! Yes!!!!!!
Anonymous said…
I hear you.

I found your blog through CNN's latest release "Can I touch it? The fascination with natural, African-American hair" posted today 7-25-11 on their website.

AND girl it struck a chord!I've got STORIES too lenghty to post here!

Again I HEAR you! It's sickening, infuriating, dehumanizing, debasing and depressing ALL at the SAME time!

My mom is Black with American Indian heritage on her mom's side. My dad is West Indian but you know how it is in America "certain people" see him as African-American and that's a whole other argument because of the African Diaspora. On a side note not EVERY person was taken from Africa during the slavery era for Black people. DO you see how BIG the continent of AFRICA is? Records show the slaves were taken from the West Coast like Ghana etc. AND the interesting note is that not only White Americans took slaves! Brazil, Spain and other Spanish countries were all in or the slave trade which brings you to another argument about why there's a great percentage of those who claim Spanish who look like their descendents are from Africa which brings me another point, Not all of Africa is made up of starving children that we see on TV here in America and they don't all live in primitive huts!! Much of Africa is very educated and civilized and they don't all look the same with the same color skin, features and hair! I have friends from Africa who come in all shades and types etc and no it's not because they were mixed somewhere down the line! Africa has a rich history and we have every skin shade, hair texture etc but you'd never see that here in American media!

But back to your post about hair.

My hair is naturally curly. When I wear it curly it's silky for like 1 day then it gets dried out and starts to be poofy and unmanageable. So I usually wear it straight. So I go to the salon, get my hair washed and blow-dry straight then flat-ironed. Now the reactions I get to my hair are very interesting. When it's curly and silkly for those first few hours people of all races rave about it saying how gorgeous it is and they OFTEN ask me "Why don't you wear it that way ALL the time?" UM...because it doesn't STAY that way and then I get called Aunt Jemima and worse. When my hair is straight people are equally amazed and that's when they start questioning my ethnicity. I've had people of ALL races ask me all sorts of craziness from "Are you mixed?" "You're not mixed and your hair is like this?! That's GOOD!" "You speak Spanish?" They think I'm East Indian (from India), Spanish (either from Brazil or Dominican Republic), half White, or Ethiopian. If I didn't already have an identity crisis, the world is sure trying to give me one!

I don't like being judged on my hair. I get treated like royalty when it's silky-curly or flowing and straiaght. But when my hair is dried out and poofy (I can rock a mean Bella Afro), I get ignored, made fun or asked questions even by extended family members who are Black "What did you do to your hair?! It's ALL over the place?"

It's all shades of WRONG. Why are we as Black women "graded" by our hair? It's not right!

And don't even get me to the relationships aspect of it all especially with movies like Chris Rock's "Good Hair". Do you know why he created that movie? I reaad it in EBONY magazine ...because his daughter admired her White friend's "good hair" and asked her dad (Chris Rock), "Daddy, why don't I have good hair?"

It's saddening.

But I'm glad you're writing about it. Maybe the national conversation will help correct the worldwide miseducation about Black hair.
Anonymous said…
wow, I cannot believe, and am so sorry, you had this outrageous encounter. it's a tough mission trying to enlighten Black American women about how much they have been brainwashed, but I commend you. I am British-Nigerian and have been natural for a few years. i don't get any grief from my fellow African sisters, just black American WOMEN. Even black American men seem more accepting of rocking our natural beauty, it's so great when I receive compliments from them! My daughter is mixed heritage like you (her father Russian Jew/Sioux), and in her young 9 years she has had to face the same sh_t from the usual suspects, just in junior form. Sad to say, but that kind of thinking is still being passed down. But what do you expect when they aspire to be the Beyonces and the Rhiannas of the world, instead of Lauryn Hill? But we shall keep up the good fight together, re-educating one sister at a time!
yummy411 said…
wow. i'm glad you understood and could see thru her oppressive mentality.... she said "no offense" and got comfortable with you and let it all out for real. too bad we have to deal with those types AND the natural police... when a girl isn't natural enough, they want to lecture and enlighten unsolicted. *sigh*
Katherine said…
Um... your hair is fucking gorgeous. How rude could someone possibly get! And there's no such thing as "bad" hair, just bad hairstyles.

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