Declaring Independence From Sparkly Twilight Vampires
Dear Statue of Liberty,
It's Independence Day A/K/A "The Fourth of July" and I'm writing to enlist your help. You see, sparklers, and all other sparkly fireworks, are illegal and banned in the County of Los Angeles.
If only the same could be said for a certain movie starring werewolves, a boring girl who bites her lip and a certain Sparkly Vampire who stands around looking sullen and like he needs a bath.
In fact, I'd say the Faction of Sparkly Vampires is trying to steal the Fourth of July's holiday weekend thunder! Even worse, they're attempting to brainwash the young innocents around us. If you, like Whitney Houston, believe the children are our future, please, dearest Statue of Liberty, come emancipate our cultural ethos from the throes of Sparkly Vampire hysteria.
Things are getting desperate! Sparkly Vamp psychosis is even infiltrating my humble Los Angeles abode. My two sons have asked me at least a dozen times today, "Can we go see Twilight? Please????"
"We're going to M's mom's house for a BBQ," I said.
"Will they show Twilight there?" six year-old Mr. T asked.
No. And for the millionth time, I don't want to spend money on a poorly written, poorly acted film that is not only NOT age-appropriate, it also sends disturbing, wack messages about love, romance and gender roles that I'm not interested in my sons absorbing.
Mr. O said, "C'mon, Mom. We won't be scared of some vampires. We've already seen the Batman vs Dracula cartoon!"
Lady Liberty, I tried to explain to these young, impressionable minds that the Fourth of July is about
grilling, eating potato chips and hanging with your friends and family reading the Declaration of Independence out loud and admiring pictures of the Founding Fathers, not sitting in a movie theater watching a supremely.dumb.movie.
"Do you guys know what the Fourth of July is about?" I asked.
Mr. O: "Uh, no. Not really. It's the birthday of America, right? Or is it the day the slaves were freed? Oh, wait, that's the Civil War, right?"
Mr. T: "It's about eating lots of JUNK FOOD and watching Twilight... so can we go see it?"
Actually, upon further reflection, I'm realizing the scope of intervention needed is beyond your abilities, Lady Liberty. Maybe I should be writing this letter to God.
Please send someone to drive a stake through Edward Cullen, shoot a silver bullet at Jacob the Werewolf and send Bella to freakin' Bryn Mawr College so she can get a life.
Your Humble Servant,