The WTF Search Terms of the Day
Every once in awhile I get all creepy big brotherish and check to see what search terms are leading the unsuspecting masses to this wonderful blog. Folks come here hunting for hair advice, advice on parenting black boys... and then there are these gems:
1) "i hate los angeles now where should i go?"
My sixth sense says this searcher has "I just got dumped and now I'm bitter" tattooed on his/her forehead. For real, what is wrong with people that don't love El Pueblo de Nuestra Señora la Reina de los Angeles del Río de Porciúncula? Do they not see the jacked up winter wonderland weather the rest of the country has been through? Do they really want to experience snowmageddon?
2) "buy butt pads in los angeles"
I'd speed dial Beyonce and ask her if they have them at Costco, but we had a falling out after I told her butt pads seem sort of like wearing a diaper.
3) "how to get hookers on Figueroa without being arrested"
I wrote about prostitutes on Fig years ago and EVERY day since then, someone comes here trying to figure out where to find them, how much to pay, how to have sex with them without getting HIV, how to not get caught by your wife afterwards. Look, disgusting people, this blog is not the Figueroa hooker info hotline! Plus, I want anybody who solicits a prostitute to be arrested. And your face blasted all over the interwebs.
I've never even written about blowjobs on this blog. Do I even seem like a "let's talk about blowjobs" type of person? (I know you just said no, right?) This one just has me baffled, so to erase the "ick" factor, how about we all go donate some more money to Haitian Community Hospital since they're about helping people and they're located in Petionville.
5) "are Obama coins legal tender?"
Take some to 7-11 and see what happens when you try to buy a slurpee with them. Good luck with that.
6) "why do some people call mixed race children zebras?"
The short answer - they're stupid and racist. The long answer - because they failed biology class and are blind.
7) "I hate to hear bi racial people say they are black"
"I'm black, I'm black, I'm black! I'M BLACK!!!!"
Convinced this is the WRONG blog for you, yet? Because if you don't want to hear that, too bad for you. But don't worry, on March 17th, I'll get all Sybil on you and morph into the Irish Sham-Fro Queen. That's the "Irish Shamrock Afro Queen", in case you didn't know.
8) "Where do all the smart people hang out in los angeles?"
If you have to ask, you must not be one of them. Besides, I get the feeling you're probably talking about people who think they're smart, not true smart people.
Ok, fine. They hang at House of Pies.
9) "Is it a good idea to send a progress report to my boss every Friday?"
Do you have some new information to report every Friday that can't wait till Monday? Because if not, your boss is going to get really annoyed seeing some bullishtar on a piece of paper once a week. You might make your boss HATE Fridays, and then that hate will transfer over to YOU.
10) "los angelista is a bitch"
Yes I sure am. I'm Beautiful, Intelligent, Talented, Cool and Happy. Just like your momma.
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On March 17th, me and my fellow Gormach Gaelach sistas take our float in the annual local parade.
Thin Lizzy and Bob Marley Rule!!
Thanks! I needed that this morning!
Martin Gore hair loss??? His hair looks great. What are they talking about? "I slept with Dave Gahan when I was 15" was one of mine from yesterday, too. Just weird.
I am DEAD over "how to make it clap". And because I have to go there, will DPS offer an 11 week class on that? ;)
How much do I LOVE that y'all have a float for the parade. Hmm... I want to do that here in LA.
LOL, You're very welcome. ;)
So maybe I need an advice column? :)
You have to come back again soon for some more House of Pies intelligence.
Be careful! This is our fifth year - the first two years the "purebreds" here in the Midwest were. not. happy.
(AM drinking will do that to you)
The crowds look forward to our float now - post racial America I guess. Put some tall burly redheads (or Colin Farrell lookalikes) to run interference for awhile! Otherwise it is a blast!
Butt Pads & Blow Jobs to the tune of "My Favorite Things". Do you think Depeche Mode might be interested?
Ha! I don't know if search engines have extra special crawlers just for me or what!
You know! I was like, for real? How you gonna be searching for my site name AND put that I'm a bitch in the search terms?!?!
Yes, to the Colin Farrell lookalikes! ;) - Some of those purebreds may not be as pure as they think, especially if they were indentured servants living around slaves.
Oh yes, Depeche will synth all that right up and turn it into a retro dark wave track. And then I'll wake and realize it was all just a bad dream!