The Spawn of Satan Tried To Steal My Parking Spot

I shouldn't be writing this. Instead of going "tap-tap-tap" on my keyboard, my fingers should be firmly shutting my laptop. After all, I just took some NyQuil so there's no telling what I might say.

The thing is, I keep thinking about this afternoon's trip to my local post office. Even though my fever was over 100 degrees, I went to mail my two boy's magnet school applications. I had stamps at home but magnet school applications are of such vital importance that I wanted to personally see these two envelopes get weighed, stamped and placed in a bin for sorting and delivery.

Of course, it's the holiday season which means that the post office is packed. Packed places usually mean frayed nerves, crying children, and wives giving their husbands that, "Why did I marry you?" look. I know this, so of course I was prepared for things inside to not be completely ponies and rainbows.

However, my biggest test of patience -- which I completely failed-- was OUTSIDE the post office in the parking lot. I was waiting for a spot. There was a car waiting behind me, and he would not back up a little so I could back up, so the car in the spot I wanted could get out.

Instead of backing up, this guy sat right behind me for a good two minutes. Never mind that there were no cars behind him so he could've backed up. Never mind that my backing-up-so-move lights were on. Nope, he just sat there, looking like the Spawn of Satan, his cloven hooves clutching the steering wheel, cackling maniacally while red horns sprouted from his scalp. A neon sign saying, ""I am the Post Office Parking Lot Anti Christ. I will NEVER back up," even began to flash on the hood of his car.

It hit me that he figured I'd just give up on the spot I wanted so HE could take it. Oh noes. I'm the Queen of Perseverance. I will sit there till the next full moon.

Oh wait... is that stubbornness instead of perseverance?

Anyway, just when I was ready to bang my head against the steering wheel, I spied a car a bit further up on the other side of the parking aisle backing out, so I put on my turn signal to indicate that I was going to take that spot. This second car backed out and drove away. Next thing I know, the Spawn of Satan was trying to drive around me and head for this spot!

What did I do? Like the juvenile fool that I can sometimes be, I hit the gas, zoomed in front of him while honking (I think I freaked him out because he hit the brakes) and swooped into this second parking spot.

Then, to my eternal shame, I jumped out of my car and yelled, "WHAT???" while mean mugging him. I might have yelled a few, ahem, other things as well, but this NyQuil is making my memories of any other words a little hazy.

I really must've been influenced by his devilish ways because I recall feeling excessively gratified that another car pulled in and took the spot I'd been waiting for in the first place, meaning that this Grinchy, wanna-be-parking-spot-stealing driver was now out of luck twice. After observing this, I may have also yelled, "Yeah! Uh huh! How you like me now???" but I'm not 100% certain.

What I do know is that I acted like a total fool. I keep trying to justify it by saying, "Pfft! All he had to do was back up and none of it would've happened!" but the truth is that any mature person knows that you control your own actions and no one can make you angry. You choose to be angry. Or rather, in this case, I chose to flip out and get mad that he was trying to take my parking spot. I should've just been totally zen and let him have the spot. I should've offered to park his car for him. Even washed it for him. Vacuumed out the inside and buffed his "I'm the Spawn of Satan" bumper sticker.

So, If that was you at the post office today, aww, I'm really, really sawwry. I beg you, please do not blame President Obama for the USPS not having the money to build parking structures instead of lots with a couple dozen spaces. Also, please don't go home and tell your family that Obama's created a whole cadre of uppity Negroes with tons of hubris who then deign to deny you a parking spot at the post office. And finally, please do not call the police and tell them you were assaulted by a black man. I did have on my hat so I know you might've been confused. I don't want someone who might fit the description to have a bad night tonight.

I hope to redeem myself sometime soon. Next time I'm at the post office, I promise I'll behave.


nick said…
I'm normally the soul of patience, I would just have carefully out-manoeuvred him the way you did and then walked into the post office without giving him a second thought. But I can understand that as a woman you must get boiling mad at that sort of arrogant male who's determined to show some uppity (black?) female who's boss.

I hope he got his come-uppance later in the day. Maybe his wife wasn't in the mood or he got a parking ticket or someone stole his wallet. Stupid arsehole.
jstele said…
Don't feel bad. He got what he deserved. But it could have gotten dangerous for both of you, ending up in an accident. When someone steals from you, it's your right to grab it back. Sometimes, the aggressive action is the only option left. I bet he will not do that again.
April said…
Driving in this city (and yes, that includes parking) can drive anyone mad, given the right opportunity. I try not to let it get to me, too, but sometimes, it just does.
carolyn said…
That Huffington Post link was infuriating, but there is a bit of good news in that the author is being ripped in the comments for being an ignorant racist.

As for your driving "sin", I'm from New Jersey, where only the strong survive, and that includes in the parking lot. So I applaud your spot-snatching skills!
Jen said…
It's easy to say you won't be angry in those situations but hard to not get angry. People turn into jerks this time of year and it's hard to just take it from the jerks all the time without getting angry.
Daniel said…
Los Angelista,
That was YOU?! Oh my, I just thought you was a good-looking, hot momma when I saw you turn in. I was hoping I might get a number from you, if I didn't lose you first in the chaos. So I stayed close. And I thought all those parking lot gestures were inviting me to, ya know, "Step up to it, Boo!" (Then I chickened out)
Sorry about it all.
And I didn't think any of the things in that last paragraph (well, second to last) . We don't ALL think like that.
Val said…
OMG Liz, this reminds me of an episode of Malcolm in the Middle. The mom on the show is in a parking lot and she and another woman in a car get into it. Next thing you know they were doing demolition derby in the parking lot. It was hilarious.

Anyway I'm glad it didn't go that far with you.
Remnants of U said…
LOL! You never know what a normal peace abiding woman will do when provoked on a day that she is sick AND trying to complete a task that concerns the future of her children.

The guy is just lucky that you didn't take a picture of his face & vehicle with license plate to post online.
Liz Dwyer said…
I just couldn't understand why he couldn't back up. Even if he'd backed up five feet that would've been enough, and it's not like a car was behind him. Just simple decency was needed and he had none.

I do feel bad because I probably looked like a total NUT! The way folks flip out at post offices, I'm surprised someone didn't call security!

This is why I am avoiding any and all shopping malls till at least mid-January. I just can't take it. Makes me want to go live on a farm in Idaho.

That article was something else. I was tempted to temporarily change the title of this blog to Mixed Race Person With A Surfeit of Hubris just to be snarky. And it killed me to see the author have the nerve to respond to the comments saying people who were outraged are apologists. Whatever, she played herself.

It is hard to not get angry, but I should have better self control. There's too many jerks so I have to manage my temper more appropriately. Usually I do but this really just set me off!

Haha! Yep, that was me. Sorry you chickened out. I was ready to take off my earrings and really scare all the fine folks at the Los Feliz post office. And no, it's not all folks. At least, it's not you and my dad. ;)

Haha! No, no demolition derby for me. You know, I've never seen Malcolm in the Middle. I should try to catch it online sometime.

Exactly! Too bad I was so busy acting a fool, I forgot all about my camera phone!

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