Your Big, Cellulite Covered Booty

I know you have cellulite on your booty.

Even if you are a resident of Los Angeles and best friends with a plastic surgeon, I know you have some ripples and dimples somewhere on that big ole booty of yours. What I don't know is whether or not someone is coming to take a picture of your booty.

You see, I was at the grocery store waaay too late last night, and the covers of the magazines in the checkout aisle were totally harassing me. Why do I have to walk past the checkout line at a grocery store, where, mind you, I am buying FOOD, and see pretty much every magazine cover discussing who's too fat, who's too thin, and how to lose 10-20 even 50 pounds while still eating white sugar, flour and a boatload of salt? Why?

And clearly it was a slow news week at the National Enquirer because they did one of their covers similar to this one, spotlighting which stars have cellulite.

Hint to the Enquirer: ALL OF THEM have it. Every single last female celebrity has cellulite. Even if they have starved themselves down to crack-head levels, they probably still have some cellulite. No matter how much you try to get those ripples sucked out and smoothed and whatever the heck else, 99% of women are going to have cellulite. It's called being human.

Instead, the Enquirer brings poor Mischa Barton to tears by running a photo of her 22 year-old booty, complete with ripples and dimples. Now, I'm sure on the one hand Mischa's loving the free press because she hasn't had anything going on since the OC went off TV. In fact, I'll bet you asked yourself, "Who the heck is Mischa Barton?" Yeah, me too. Never watched the show and I don't think she's "hot" by any stretch of the imagination. But now Mischa's got an interview with OK! Magazine about how unfair the Enquirer was. OK! asked Mischa profound questions like, "Are you self-conscious about your body?" -- to which Mischa said, "No," because she comes from a European family. (Whatever that means!)

No, what Mischa should have done is told the Enquirer that she's actually part black and the black community is a lot more accepting of having some booty. Then she could have pointed out that studies are showing having a big booty is nice and healthy and helps prevent diabetes. Granted, the study was only done on lab mice, and any health benefits of the big booty can and will be negated by the spare tire you're carrying around across your belly, but still!

Mischa should've also asked the Enquirer why they don't take more pictures of men and their guts and man-boobs. Seen photos of Tobey Maguire when he's not shooting a Spiderman movie? Uh huh, I don't think so!

Think about all the sitcom husbands with their toothpick-sized wives. It's like we're supposed to believe the wife isn't sitting around eating high fructose corn syrup laced food too. I'm supposed to think the wife only breathes in the aroma of the Doritos and doesn't ever eat one. Whatever.

And next time you see Jack Black in a movie playing the fat goof ball, ask yourself, would Jack Black ever get a job in Hollywood if he was a woman? If you said yes, let me tell you, you're wrong because if ever there was a candidate for the Jillian Michael's 30-Day Shred DVD, it's Jack. (Did it for the 3rd time this morning. Yes We Can!)

But women? Who do we have? Jennifer Hudson, Camryn Manheim or that one girl from High School Musical -- gosh, her name escapes me at the moment but it's not the one that's dating Zac Efron and had the naked pictures of herself floating around. No it's definitely not naked picture girl because nobody wants a naked picture of a "big girl" unless they are, ahem, into that sort of thing.

I know, it's not going to change anytime soon because a million people will pay money for that copy of the Enquirer and all the other magazines that try to sell how amazing your life will be if you don't have cellulite and you get a whole lot skinnier.

Look to Mariah Carey if you need proof that the skinny does not equal an amazing life. The magazines showed us photos of Mariah Carey's transformation from a size 8 (me) to a size 2 (what I'm apparently supposed to want to be). Well, Mariah got skinny and went and married Nick Cannon so clearly, being thinner does not equal having a lick of sense!

Anyway, I hope you and your big, cellulite covered booty have a great day. Just no "switching" when you walk, mmkay?


Jen said…
The thing I hate most about this is that it sends messages to our girls that they should get rid of what is natural in their bodies. I'm not saying being fat and unhealthy, but be realistic and loving. And as moms of boys, we have a job to do to make sure THEY know that all bodies can have beauty, too. Ugh.
Ian Lidster said…
You know, Liz, if you love somebody who you also happen to have wonderful and provocative sexual thoughts about, too, you never ever notice things like cellulite. My ex wife was obsessed about what she called her 'baby tummy' (stretch marks, in other words) and wanted to get surgery. I told her many times it didn't detract from her allure at all, but rather enhanced it because it announced she was a fecund woman who had produced a beautiful child. I found it a turn on, to be honest. A cellulite booty shows a 'real' woman, and I like real women a whole lot.
Anonymous said…
You know that was not Misha Barton's booty cause nobody has that much celulite on their body when they are that skinny!!!!! She would have had to been big and lost alot of weight for all those fat deposits but on the other hand when I first saw those pictures I felt so good about me!!!! LOL
thailandchani said…
The thing that really cracks me up is that after years and years of how hearing and reading that having one extra ounce of body fat is tantamount to mortal sin, some company has produced "booty enhancers". They are like the old-fashioned cushions that people are using so they'll have a "bubble butt".

Does this insanity ever end?

I guess not as long as someone is making money. Next thing will be that rubenesque is the thing to be.
Jameil said…
oh i'm switchin all day with my booty!! hmph! lmao @ that study. i try not to get into celeb stuff at all let alone lookin all up at their booties like that. i was so appalled when i looked up at work and saw that booty on tv. ON A REGULAR STATION!!! hot mess.
Liz Dwyer said…
Exactly. My eldest has asked me if he's fat and it was pretty disturbing. On kids shows, the kids that aren't thin are always the goof ball or the cheesy best friend. It's annoying and it sends kids a message that if you're not thin, you are not going to be the cool, popular or successful kid.

That's so true. And I see no point in pointing out flaws to someone you want to keep having those kinds of thoughts. But we women are hit over the head with images of women who pose in bikinis a month after giving birth, so it's hard sometimes to appreciate what your body has really done.

I think that really IS her booty! Who's gonna really photoshop some cellulite on her? Like anybody even cares enough about Mischa Barton for that. It'd be different if it was Madonna or something, but it's not. Besides, she could be really skinny but not have a lot of muscle tone or it could just be genetic.

Yes, butt implants are just ridiculous. We're so messed up, aren't we? It's like our rears can't be what they are. They've got to be made "just right" with some implants. And I think it would be hilarious if the Rubenesque thing came back. Can you imagine?

It was on real TV? See, that's further proof that our priorities are all messed up. I try not to get too much into the celeb stuff but the lines at the grocery store were very long and I had ample time to pick up some garbage and check it all out. I can't believe people pay good money for the Enquirer these days. I much preferred it back in the day when they had stories about aliens!
Anonymous said…
It seems to me the only point of showing all those celebs with (supposed) cellulite is so their readers can gloat and sneer and laugh and feel thoroughly malicious. What a sick way of making money. Hypocritical too - when do we get pics of female journalists showing all their cellulite and flab? Never.
brotherkomrade said…
"No it's definitely not naked picture girl because nobody wants a naked picture of a "big girl" unless they are, ahem, into that sort of thing."

[brotherkomrade smiling peevishly]
The men in my family have always been attracted to women from "thickish" to SuperSize BBW. The one family picture that sticks in my mind was when my Great-Uncle Russel who was a stick, had my Great-Aunt Anna sitting in his lap. They were both in their early twenties and Aunt Anna was about 350+ lbs.

On the other end, heart disease, diabetes, and obesity is hitting our community pretty bad. While I will always believe in fat acceptance, we must balance it out by watching our health. It can be done.

As far as the double standard when it comes to Hollywood and women, I agree 100% that it exist and yes, there wouldn't be such a thing as a female Jack Black who can be laughed at for being big but at the same time still gets the girl at the end of the flick like any other leading man. I hate that and it's wrong. Every now and then where will be a film or TV show that makes a progressive statement about size and women, then it will just "go away" like "Real Women Have Curves". But the most gusty statement made in a TV show without saying out loud was the female cast of Carnivale. You had three big women who all had real roles negative and positive, then you had mature Adrianne Barbeau as short-time romantic interest for the main character who, that dude happened to be ugly enough to stop a fleet of Mack trucks.
Anyway, what we really are less fat-phobic and ageist a**holes in Hollywood. Wonder what it will take for that to happen?
brotherkomrade said…
This comment has been removed by the author.
brotherkomrade said…
ahh, meant to say, "what we really need are less fat-phobic and ageist people in show business".
Anonymous said…
It's the cigs. They literally cause that kind of cellulite - not normal, yes I have some cellulite - but nasty divots in tiny thin people. Cigs break connective tissue which = cellulite. (shrugging)

I'm at a point where I could absolutely care less about these people. I'm nauseated that I can recite Britney Spear's itinerary but have no idea who won the Nobel Prize last year. I disgust myself. Sigh.
Liz Dwyer said…
Yeah, and then we can go, "At least she has a more rippled backside than me..." Then in the very next issue there'll be some celeb who claims to have lost the 35 pounds she gained while pregnant in only six weeks merely by breastfeeding and chasing a toddler. So the same women who felt a little superior will once more feel inadequate and like crap.

Well go 'head Uncle Russel! Love it! :) But yes, the disease factor is a big reason I keep up with the exercising no matter what. I grew up with relatives that had their legs cut off because of diabetes and I definitely do not want to go down that road. I do wish there was more work for folks of all ages and sizes, but I doubt that change is coming any time soon in large numbers. By the way, I never saw Carnivale so I'll check it out

I'll bet you're right because I have read she's a smoker. I'm with you on being totally ashamed that I know as much about pop culture/celebrities as I do. It's everywhere though. Even the so-called news-y magazines are full of gossipy tidbits. Ugh!
haha. Liz what is going on? So it's true Mariah did marry Nick Cannon? Why?

There supermarkets here don't seem to sell magazines, you can only buy them at a newsstand. I'm glad I now longer have to be assaulted by that mess when I go to buy groceries.

You are so dead on about the double standard. If I see one more Judd apatow movie where a fat, non ambitious man ends up with a hot, smart, successful woman I will scream. It's never the reverse. Ever.
1969 said…
I am switching my booty on my way to Starbucks RIGHT NOW!
Nerd Girl said…
LOL - You are so right - I was thinking "Who the heck is Mischa Barton?"

I get so tired of "Hollywood" setting the standard for beauty - with their colon cleansings, and airbrushed photographs, and cadres of makeup and hair artists. I have noticed that the fewer magazine I read, and the more time I spend with the TV turned off, the happier I am - with my life, with my family, with myself.

(I am going to try and find the JM DVD - I'll let you know how it goes!)
Liz Dwyer said…
Judd Apatow is seriously living in Fantasyland. Truth is, no female screenwriter could get a script sold in this town looking like he does. So no magazines at the markets? I wish, especially because some of the headlines are things I don't want my kids seeing. It's no fun having a 7 YO trying to sound out words from the cover of Cosmo! And apparently Mariah married him without a prenup! Just wow! But hey, maybe they'll still be together in 20 years or something.

You just ran a 5K so you deserve to do a little switching!

Nerd Girl,
Yep, years ago when I used to watch music videos all the time I noticed that I felt better about myself if I didn't watch them for a few days.

Let me know how you like the DVD! Today is day 4 for me and I still can't make it through the first three minute interval without stopping to catch my breath! It looked sooo easy when I watched it but doing it is a whole 'nother story!
Haute in LA said…
LMAO!!! I LOVE IT! I know me and MY wide-cellulite covered booty are having a great day now that we’ve read this. Living in LalaLand and working in the entertainment industry there is SO MUCH PRESSURE…not just in front of the camera. I get so tired of every guy in this office going bonkers whenever the emaciated blonde bunnies prance in here asking fi we’re hiring, holding auditions or if they can speak to one of the owners to give him a BJ. “She is so hot! Did you see her?” Yeah I saw something that looked like a 10 year old boy wobble through here a minute a go. Hmph! I will not be moved.

*Haute goes back to eating her carefully measured 100 calorie portion of cashews and Google’s the Jillian Michael’s DVD.
Liz Dwyer said…
And it's those same guys that complain about how their girl spends so much time in the bathroom when their out on a date. They never believe it when you explain that homegirl is in there barfing up the lunch or dinner you paid good money for.

Get that DVD -- or if you have Time Warner cable it's on demand on exercise TV for free.
BK said…
Ok I lurk often and never comment.. but I had to today!! LOL Ok so lemme switch my booty over to chipolte and get some guac & chips.. I'm in the mood! Very honest & funny post!
Lydia said…
This is cracking me up!! Joy has been doing Shredded in 30 days and cussing out Jillian Michaels! Must work!
Liz Dwyer said…
Glad you de-lurked! And some chipotle sounds really good about right now!

I think it does work! Now my goal is to get from level one to level two but I'm scared!

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