Eavesdropping on Men

There are two sets of guys sitting on either side of me in this cafe.

To my right is the gay couple. Or rather, I would say that one of them wants to be a couple but the other one is more interested in playing the field a bit more. The one that wants to play the field is, um... he's ridiculously hot. Tall, stylish, dark hair, dark eyes. He's got a slight accent, looks like he could be from somewhere in North Africa. Oh, and he has on some fly, nice-fitting blue jeans. I felt like a shallow Angeleno because even I was checking him out, thinking, "Ah hah! This is exactly why I live in Hollywood!" -- until he ruined the eye candy by ordering lox and cream cheese on a bagel. Eww. That's as bad as mayonnaise in my book.

Five minutes later his boy toy showed up and I think every woman (and a few guys in here too) sighed with some, "He's taken!" disappointment. I immediately didn't think they're a serious couple yet because Boy Toy is a little too needy acting and Ridiculously Hot seems a bit detached from it all.

Sure enough, Boy Toy started whining about, "When are we gonna make things official?"

Ridiculously Hot only replied, "Make what official?" Oh, this is not good.

Ten minutes later, Boy Toy is leaning across the table begging, "You should just move in with me. I don't know why you don't." I know why, Boy Toy. There's a book about it. It's called, "He's Just Not That Into You".

Indeed, Ridiculously Hot is looking sooo checked out and is just focusing on his food. He occasionally mumbles things like, "I'm not trying to get so deep over breakfast, Frank."

Frank -- a/k/a Boy Toy looks like he might either throw something or cry. Wow, somebody's whipped!

In the meantime, the two guys to the left of me talking about how outrageous rents are in my neighborhood. One guy, let's call him "iPod Ears" (because he has his earbuds in), just told his friend, "X-Files Nerd" how he's still living with his girlfriend but wants to move out because he can't stand her anymore. However he can't afford it.

"I might as well stay with her crazy ass because rent is just ridiculous around here nowadays." That's just cold, iPod Ears. Cold hearted!

"What do you do? Crash on the couch every night?" says X-Files Nerd. See, this is why I called him X-Files Nerd. This is obviously a good guy and he is not up on Hollywood survival scheming because he's still watching the X-Files every single night, caught up in Scully's hotness!

iPod Ears continues his coldness, "Nah, I still sleep with her because it's her name on the lease. I don't want her to suspect anything and kick me out."

"Sleep with her, as in you're still sleeping with her?" Oh, X-Files Nerd, you're a man after my own heart. I love your slightly shocked intonation.

"Uh, yeah dude." If I could see iPod Ears' face, I'm sure he'd be rolling his eyes. "I mean, she's totally effing pscyho, but I might as well get it while I can. You know?"

So, a tale of two sets of men. Two different situations. Two different hearts getting broken. I wish I had iPod Ear's girlfriend's email so I could send her this post. As for Boy Toy and Ridiculously Hot, they just walked out together.

I guess being seen with someone so hot is good enough for Boy Toy. He brings his heartbreak on himself.


Jameil said…
you are too funny. my fave line, "That's just cold, iPod Ears." it reinforced your commitment to his newly christened nomenclature. fun for all!!! lol.
Liz Dwyer said…
I should've called him "Demon Posessed iPod Ears" because surely only the devil could make a guy stay with a girl he thinks is psycho just to avoid paying more in rent. (Well, the devil or Los Angeles. One of the two.)
Anonymous said…
Staying with a woman AND sleeping with her just because you can't work out how to move is dreadful. Mean, callous, manipulative. How I wish you had that email address! And the friend didn't exactly tell him he was out of order.
Liz Dwyer said…
Good point about the friend. He wasn't high-fiving his iPod Ears, but he wasn't exactly condemning him either. They're both on my "bad" list now!
Anonymous said…
Having been one of the sought after by an increasingly desperate person and desperate for another who could give a *hit but would've used me if I let them, both situations ultimately suck. Give me that oh-so-elusive mutually satisfying relationship and I would cherish it and that person and back in my joy happily!
Anonymous said…
Having worked with all those men for all that time? IPOD ears is completely full of it. He'll probably retire with the woman. He's just acting like that because he thinks it's cool.

As for Ridiculously Hot? Who knows? I've seen this in gay relationships. Often RH is really promiscuous and doesn't want Frank to find out. Too bad for Frank. Hopefully he wises up.
Haute in LA said…
And my heart is broke too! I should have known Ridiculously Hot was gay from the tweet. I mean, all the hot guys out here are GAY! *SIGH*

And ain't nothing wrong with a little lox and cream cheese! of cours I'm steering away from it these days - can't do Jillian in the morning and then ruin with with a helping of carbs and fat, now can you?

Btw, I bow DOWN to you. I huffed, puffed then collapsed after 10 minutes of "Shred" last night. You Da Woman!
brotherkomrade said…
Wow, I don't even know where to begin, but let me try.
First when I saw your blog title in my RSS feed I almost felt concern the way one is concerned for another who says they're going to go swimming in shark infested waters. to eavesdrop on men is like exploring the dark continent of the id and coming back with shattered hope of love, normal relationships, or humankind in general. I'M a man and the stuff that gets confessed to me (why do I get picked, I ask you?) by other men can get pretty demoralizing.

Ok, iPod Ears - I've heard dudes talking about how theirs WIVES of 5 + are driving them crazy but they would rather stay because it was "cheaper to keep her" (AAAHHH!!!!).

Boy Toy - Why should we be surprised with this one? same sex relationships are the same as heteros. Super Hot Dude just wants the permanent in-place nookie (Boy Toy) while he plays the field. Where he's wrong is that he just won't be real and say, "I just want to keep my freedom. No commitments" rather than stringing Boy Toy along. I got friends who have pulled that crap far too many times with women.

I'm tempted to create a blog and post the craziest sh*t I've heard and seen that men do, but to have women be the target audience so they'll know what's up. But I may have to take on a new identity. I don't want the International Brotherhood of Triflin' A**holes to put out a contract on me.

Oh and btw, X-Files Nerd is at a moral and spiritual cross roads; he'll either become like iPod Ears or play it smart, marry EXACTLY who he wants to be with and be a patient well-behaved guy.
the last noel said…
When I read posts like this one, I bow down in shame. These men are representing my gender--ugh! Whatever happened to being decent upright men?
Tafari said…
I cracked up @ your mayo comment! Why come we don;t like mayo & love some miracle whip???

Boy Toy is sprung & possibly mentally unstable. Sounds like he is just a jump off & in total denial about it. Oh the things some will do just for hot dick & nuts!

former L.A. resident here. Of course RH is gay. I kid!

Poor Boy Toy he needs to walk away before it's too late. Forget that it might be too late already.

iPod ears is just WRONG! I know rents are high but come on.
Liz Dwyer said…
AAGH! I replied to all your comments and they went into a black hole!!! So frustrating. Let me try again when I get back from my meeting at 11:30!
velvet said…
Ooh, I wish that we had such eye candy out our way!

Ridiculously Hot and Boy Toy make me think that it's just like straight relationships... different bits, same issues.

And iPod ears is below pond scum.
Liz Dwyer said…
Both situations do "suck". It seems like both the hot guy and iPod Ears think they're really getting over/are all that. It's like they think they're a walking, breathing embodiment of Details or FHM.

I hope she wises up and dumps iPod ears before he gets the opportunity to settle in for the really long haul. Promiscuity probably worked for Frank when he was getting with Ridiculously Hot -- but then he had to go catch a case of feelings, which sounds like it's not a part of R.H.'s plan. :(

LOL, yes, the .05% of really fly guys here in LA who are not gay know that they're a hot commodity with the ladies and they behave accordingly. They become total man-whores. Gross. And the Jillian DVD -- all I can say is that I'm still trying to recover from level 2. I thought I was going to die at one point.

So make sure you pass on the address of that site when you get it going. It would be a HUGE hit, but yes, you would get jumped like Scott McClellan if your identity got out there! And cheaper to keep a wife? If iPod ears' girlfriend doesn't find out what's up, looks like she could be heading down that road.

What happened to all the decent, upright men? The moved to Portland, Phoenix or Vegas so they could afford real estate.

Seriously though, I know what you mean. But isn't it weird how some people don't want a decent guy? They want someone who treats them like crap because it's more exciting and so the nice guys get left out in the cold.

But see, Ridiculously Hot is stringing him along. You don't tell a total jump off to meet you at a cafe for coffee/breakfast. Or maybe you do. I'm not up on how these things really work in the '08. And, I have no idea about the mayo! We never had mayo in the house growing up but always had Miracle Whip. I do not understand it at all. Nowadays I don't eat either one. Strictly down with mustard.

I think it is too late for Boy Toy to walk away unscathed, and Ridiculously Hot needs to put a little DVD called "Fatal Attraction" in his Netflix rotation. And yeah, iPod ears needs to recognize that he may have to just move out of Silver Lake and head his behind out to Alhambra where rents are a little more down to earth.

Pond scum is probably better than iPod ears. Karma will come around and bite him in the ass one of these days when he least expects it. And yes, same issues, same games, same unhappiness. :(
Brianna said…
wow! how interesting. i need to do more of this eavesdropping and hopefully gain some valuable knowledge on that species. lol @ "he's just not that into you." i had to give that book to a friend once.
Lydia said…
This is hilarious! :) And it's good to know there are STILL the X-File Nerds of the world!
Tafari said…
"You don't tell a total jump off to meet you at a cafe for coffee/breakfast. Or maybe you do. I'm not up on how these things really work in the '08. " I was about to say, what do you know about a jump off!!!???

One thing I do know is when your jump off starts to catch feelings, it is time to hit the door or expect drama. "Ridiculously Hot" needs to get the Niggas guide on how to run game.

I cannot believe I am talking like this.. Oh wait, yes I can.

Liz Dwyer said…
I've wanted to give that book to folks before but I've never sucked up the courage to do so. I'm too chicken to point out the obvious. And eavesdropping is the best. It really is.

Yes, love the X-Files Nerd. Because I'm a secred Nerdette. (Or not so secret! :)

Are you trying to make me spit my can of coke zero all over the darn screen??? N****s guide on how to run game!!! Stop it!!!

And, alas, no, I am not and have never been a booty-bag, card-carrying member of jump off nation. Thank goodness for small miracles!
IPod Ears is a whore. That's really nasty.

And the other one is a real heart breaker.

You are a wonderful recorder of the human condition, a superlative Starbucks cultural anthropologist.
Miss Awesome said…
I just said the other day that I'm not really seeing the point of being in a relationship if eventually you don't have someone to split the rent with.

I mean really, is there another reason? :P
Miss Awesome said…
Oh yeah, my baby's daddy claims that he only bought a house with his girlfriend because neither of them could afford it on their own. 'It's like a roommate' he said. What the hell ever man, why sign a 30 year mortgage with someone if you don't even like them?

Now that is devilish...but I already knew he was the devil...
Liz Dwyer said…
"Whore" is the word that first came to mind but I thought I might be being too harsh. I don't think so anymore. And I'm headed back over there today, but I'm going with a friend so I'm sure I'll be the one being eavesdropped on!

And then what happens to that house when they break up? That's just not a smart move at all!

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