Thank Goodness Joanne Threlfall Is Gonna Solve My Penis Problems!

Dear Joanne Threlfall,

Thank you so much for your email, and for bravely expressing your concern about my penis. Gosh, come to think of it, I've never had anyone be concerned about my penis before. I'm touched by your generous offer to help me immediately.

Let me break down my penis problems for you:

First of all, my penis is invisible. This makes my life super difficult because I quite simply can't see it. It's not even a little opaque. It's just straight up invisible!

Don't tell anybody but I've wondered if it's a vampire penis - it doesn't cast a reflection in a mirror and it doesn't leave a shadow!

You can probably imagine how much pain and embarrassment this has caused me when I'm in the locker room at the gym, or, uh, when I'm zipping up my jeans.

Second, I can't feel my penis, and I'm not talking about numbness, either.

I know this is so weird, and I can't believe I'm admitting this to you, but when I try to touch my penis, I can't feel anything. It's like I don't HAVE a penis at all! You can only imagine the stress this causes me.

Joanne, I've never had anyone be concerned about my penis before till I received your email. I really look forward to hearing how you can help me with this. Please don't be yet another person who's gonna let me and my penis down.

Yours Truly,

Los Angelista