On the Phone With Mama

I have a deep, dark confession to make: I'm one of those annoying people that talks on their cell phone while grocery shopping.

This morning I woke up and realized we had no fruit in the house. So, I went over to our local supermarket and got sticker shock when I discovered that a box of clementines was $9.99! I was really annoyed but I wanted those clementines!

I decided to call my mom. And, then I wandered the aisles, talking on the phone to her and complaining about the overpriced clementines. I'm sure I must look like I'm a crazy lady talking to myself since I'm using my hands free device. I didn't care though. I heard about my mom's Thanksgiving, complained about the clementines even more and stuck almonds, tea and chocolate in my cart.

I wandered back to the produce section and stared at the clementine display. Seriously, that's a whole lot of ducats for a box of twenty or so little oranges. Seems like they should come gold plated or something for that kind of money.

My indecisiveness about buying clementines was abruptly ended when a heavily tattooed guy with a shaved head, wife beater t-shirt and sagging pants walked toward me, made eye contact and mouthed, "You're so f***ing sexy!"

Yes, it was clearly time to stop complaining to my mom about the clementines.

He proceeded to try to spit game at me. "What's your name?"

Time to get out of dodge and go home.

As I hope you know, guys don't take rejection too well. If women don't smile and giggle at their stupid lines then some of men want to call women a bitch (or worse). One minute a woman is hearing, "You're sexy," and the guy's all, "Lemme talk to you for a second".

But the next minute, after it's clear that being called "sexy" is not being taken in a complimentary manner, sexy can turn into, "Well f*** you then, you bitch ass ho!"

With that in mind, let me tell you: shopping while talking on the phone came in handy today.

I've learned a thing or two while living out here and working in the neighborhoods I've worked in. I've learned that certain types of guy, particularly those from a certain LA background that sport shaved heads, tats and the whole nine, well those guys, they love their mamas.

Mama is up in the church praying for him. Mama still makes him breakfast. Mama listens to his problems and gives him advice that he knows he should listen to. So, do whatever, say whatever, but you don't mess with mama.

I winked conspiratorially at this guy and, whispered back, "Yo, I'm on the phone with my mom."

His whole demeanor changed. He was instantly contrite, apologetic even. "Oh, sorry. Sorry!" And then he scooted off toward the bananas.

Ladies, if you're ever in a similar situation, and I'm sure you will be, make sure to tell those guys you're on the phone with mama. As for me, I put my clementines in my cart and headed for checkout!


Anonymous said…
Liz - that is an adorable story.
Anonymous said…
oh - that comment was from me.
Jameil said…
lmao!!! dudes. i tell ya. i would've waved the wedding ring. never had a clementine. at those prices it looks like that's gonna be true a while longer.
Jameil said…
oh yeah and i always talk on the phone in the store. i really don't care. except i feel a bit self-concious in trader joes b/c its so small. the grocer closest to my house, tho, my call always drops in there. booo. and i love a good leisurely stroll through all the aisles. its nice to have company, but not necessary.
Mes Deux Cents said…
Hi Liz,

Bald men frighten me anyway, so I would have just gotten the heck out of there and forgotten about the oranges.

I must have been traumatized by Mr Clean ads as a child. (lol)


I wonder why Trader Joe's are all so small? I always feel claustrophobic in there.
Anonymous said…
Talking in the store makes sense - when else would you find the time? I have to confess that we get clementines all the time but they aren't that expensive.
Liz Dwyer said…
LOL! How could you possibly think I'd confuse you with my other "anonymous" folks?

I went ahead and bought the outrageously priced clementines because I figured that's like three visits to Starbucks, except much healthier. I always feel that way in TJ's too. It's sooo smushed in there. I guess that's part of their cost-saving scheme!

I always thought Mr. Clean was cool! My mom wasn't a big buyer of it though. She preferred Spic and Span!

In TJ's I always feel like I'm going to knock something off of a shelf or else get banged up by someone else's cart.
Liz Dwyer said…
See, you probably get them shipped from somewhere else in the world, while we grow them right here in Californa. My mom said the ones in the Midwest were like 1/2 the price of ours.
Anonymous said…
When I was a teenager, my friends and I would pretend to be a little "off" when random guys approached us on the street on the way home from school. I'll never forget the one time an older guy tried to holla (I think I was 11 or 12) and I just kneeled down in front of my church (Holy Name on Jefferson Blvd) and started making the sign of the cross and babbling to myself. He got the hell out of there... LOL
Jen said…
This had me in hysterics! Great tactic!
Liz Dwyer said…
That is REALLY funny! Oh wow. You were one savvy teenager. I'm tempted to try that next time just to see what happens.

I really laughed inside at the way he got out of dodge so quickly. It was a sight to see.
Being holla'd at was something that drove me crazy when I lived in New York. Imagine being sexually harrassed in SEVERAL languages while walking down ONE street! On a DAILY basis.

Now, being a gal in my late thirties, I think I can appreciate a little sexual harrassment here and there. That feedback is pretty a-ight!
Liz Dwyer said…
Oh yes, I know exactly what you mean. One of the nice things about living in China was that that didn't happen to me. When I came back to the States I realized how much of that goes on and it made me a little sick.
Lydia said…
You are cracking me up you sexy thing you!

The Clementines!! I have a box on my table now that are sooo good, but when I saw the $9.99 it caused me to pause!
Anonymous said…
You're a genius.

A ridiculously-hilarious genius.
Liz Dwyer said…
I just went and looked and there is ONE clementine left in the box. My kids really went to town on them! They want me to buy more...I think I might have to pass on that one. I can see the headline now, "Family Goes Bankrupt Buying Clementines at Vons".

I'm going to put that on a t-shirt and try to sell it to some of my fellow LA hipsters.

Popular Posts