If Clothes Make The Woman, Then LA, We Have A Problem!

The past couple of days have been pretty hot here in Los Angeles. And when it's hot, folks sometimes lose the ability to dress themselves appropriately.

Men, you have the same issues year-round. You don't iron. You usually forget to wear more deodorant and then you don't have on undershirt, so you end up with awful sweat stains. You wear pants that are too small for your waist size. You wear tank tops when you have a jungle growing under your arms. But no one is really going to think less of you or think you're stupid for not wearing socks with your dress shoes in the summer. Nope, folks will just think you need someone to take care of you.

Women though, let's face it, women have a much harder time getting dressed and we are, unfortunately, not judged solely by our brains. We are judged by our clothing too. To make matters worse, there are a whole lot of ugly clothes out there, and advertisers are paid big bucks to make us think we should be wearing them.

I've seen the following things in the past couple of days and I'm just left scratching my head. How can we create a society-wide ban on the following:

Miss Baby Doll: If you're wearing it, you can't be mad if someone says to you "Hey, baby!" or "W'sup, doll?" I know those stupid babydoll mini-dresses that make everyone look pregnant are in style, but guess what, if you are a grown woman, do you really want to wear one of those? Personally, having been pregnant twice, the last thing I want to wear is something that even remotely reminds me of maternity clothes.

Fine, you've never been pregnant and you like how loose and flowy the dress feels. Okay. But it's a mini dress that looks more like a long shirt. Try wearing something that doesn't have the world afraid that your undies are going to be exposed. How about wear a longer dress, something you don't have to hold down when a breeze is blowing? Or throw some jeans under it. Something! And remember, when you are wearing a dress, you don't bend over at the waist, you squat down from the knees.

Yes, You NEED a Bra: Unless you are a prepubescent girl, you probably should wear a bra. You should especially wear a bra when you're wearing a loose top and want to bend over at the waist to pick something up. Trust me, we can see everything when you bend over like that. It doesn't matter if your size A's look like mosquito bites, I don't want to see them. I don't want my kids seeing them either. Plus, it's very painful for me to hold my laughter in when my very observant six year-old asks, "Did you see the tarantula bites on that lady's chest?"

Booty Short Betty: I know Jessica Simpson wore her pair of Daisy Dukes every chance she got. I know the working girls over on South Figueroa wear them too. Yes, I know everybody has them on in the videos. Feel free to wear them at home when you're swinging around that pole you got installed in your basement. But, please, pretty please with a cherry on top, don't wear your booty shorts to the Trader Joe's! Eww...it's waay too much information! And, although I am a firm believer that women are made to feel needlessly horrible about having cellulite on their legs, I beg you, just skip the booty shorts if your legs look like you haven't walked, run, jumped, hopped, skipped or stair-mastered within the last ten years. Especially don't wear them and then bend over at the waist. You had me asking Jesus to take the wheel...goodness!

It's A Flop: Flip flops are not an excuse to drag your feet along the ground. Pick your feet up when you're walking. And, if you want to wear flip flops, you might wanna go get that pedicure. You're in luck because you live in LA. There are about two million shops where you can get your feet scrubbed. Feel free to pick one because crusty, dusty heels and toenails with chipped pink polish just aren't meant to be seen out in public. And please trust me, if you have a foot fungus and one of your toenails has fallen off, PLEASE, put a band-aid over it while it's growing back. I know, I should give you the benefit of the doubt and assume you just got out of a coma and so you haven't gotten your nails done. But, that benefit is hard to extend when I hear you yapping on your cell phone about how great the sex was and how you can't wait to do it again. Go ahead and use your imagination...cue the six year-old comments about sex right about now...but alas, that's a whole other topic.

The Right Underwear ARE Your Friend: Now, I'm not saying folks need to sport some Thomas the Tank Engine type undies. In fact, I know rolling with no undies is all the rage so I should be happy that folks are at least wearing them. You get an A for effort! But, brightly colored polka dot underwear aren't a good combination with skin-tight, white cotton pants. Psst...we can see the polka dots through your pants. And if you are wearing ultra low-rise pants, you need to get an ultra low-rise thong. Not a thong with a waistband that hits your belly button or the small of your back. In fact, here's a hint: When you go buy the jeans, on that same day, before you get home, go over to Victoria's Secret and ask them for low-rise thongs. If they're too pricey over there for your taste, guess what, they've got them over at Old Navy too.

I get it, when it's hot, that just makes it even harder to come out of the house without looking like you just exited a 50 Cent video. But please, LA ladies, use some common sense.