If Clothes Make The Woman, Then LA, We Have A Problem!

The past couple of days have been pretty hot here in Los Angeles. And when it's hot, folks sometimes lose the ability to dress themselves appropriately.

Men, you have the same issues year-round. You don't iron. You usually forget to wear more deodorant and then you don't have on undershirt, so you end up with awful sweat stains. You wear pants that are too small for your waist size. You wear tank tops when you have a jungle growing under your arms. But no one is really going to think less of you or think you're stupid for not wearing socks with your dress shoes in the summer. Nope, folks will just think you need someone to take care of you.

Women though, let's face it, women have a much harder time getting dressed and we are, unfortunately, not judged solely by our brains. We are judged by our clothing too. To make matters worse, there are a whole lot of ugly clothes out there, and advertisers are paid big bucks to make us think we should be wearing them.

I've seen the following things in the past couple of days and I'm just left scratching my head. How can we create a society-wide ban on the following:

Miss Baby Doll: If you're wearing it, you can't be mad if someone says to you "Hey, baby!" or "W'sup, doll?" I know those stupid babydoll mini-dresses that make everyone look pregnant are in style, but guess what, if you are a grown woman, do you really want to wear one of those? Personally, having been pregnant twice, the last thing I want to wear is something that even remotely reminds me of maternity clothes.

Fine, you've never been pregnant and you like how loose and flowy the dress feels. Okay. But it's a mini dress that looks more like a long shirt. Try wearing something that doesn't have the world afraid that your undies are going to be exposed. How about wear a longer dress, something you don't have to hold down when a breeze is blowing? Or throw some jeans under it. Something! And remember, when you are wearing a dress, you don't bend over at the waist, you squat down from the knees.

Yes, You NEED a Bra: Unless you are a prepubescent girl, you probably should wear a bra. You should especially wear a bra when you're wearing a loose top and want to bend over at the waist to pick something up. Trust me, we can see everything when you bend over like that. It doesn't matter if your size A's look like mosquito bites, I don't want to see them. I don't want my kids seeing them either. Plus, it's very painful for me to hold my laughter in when my very observant six year-old asks, "Did you see the tarantula bites on that lady's chest?"

Booty Short Betty: I know Jessica Simpson wore her pair of Daisy Dukes every chance she got. I know the working girls over on South Figueroa wear them too. Yes, I know everybody has them on in the videos. Feel free to wear them at home when you're swinging around that pole you got installed in your basement. But, please, pretty please with a cherry on top, don't wear your booty shorts to the Trader Joe's! Eww...it's waay too much information! And, although I am a firm believer that women are made to feel needlessly horrible about having cellulite on their legs, I beg you, just skip the booty shorts if your legs look like you haven't walked, run, jumped, hopped, skipped or stair-mastered within the last ten years. Especially don't wear them and then bend over at the waist. You had me asking Jesus to take the wheel...goodness!

It's A Flop: Flip flops are not an excuse to drag your feet along the ground. Pick your feet up when you're walking. And, if you want to wear flip flops, you might wanna go get that pedicure. You're in luck because you live in LA. There are about two million shops where you can get your feet scrubbed. Feel free to pick one because crusty, dusty heels and toenails with chipped pink polish just aren't meant to be seen out in public. And please trust me, if you have a foot fungus and one of your toenails has fallen off, PLEASE, put a band-aid over it while it's growing back. I know, I should give you the benefit of the doubt and assume you just got out of a coma and so you haven't gotten your nails done. But, that benefit is hard to extend when I hear you yapping on your cell phone about how great the sex was and how you can't wait to do it again. Go ahead and use your imagination...cue the six year-old comments about sex right about now...but alas, that's a whole other topic.

The Right Underwear ARE Your Friend: Now, I'm not saying folks need to sport some Thomas the Tank Engine type undies. In fact, I know rolling with no undies is all the rage so I should be happy that folks are at least wearing them. You get an A for effort! But, brightly colored polka dot underwear aren't a good combination with skin-tight, white cotton pants. Psst...we can see the polka dots through your pants. And if you are wearing ultra low-rise pants, you need to get an ultra low-rise thong. Not a thong with a waistband that hits your belly button or the small of your back. In fact, here's a hint: When you go buy the jeans, on that same day, before you get home, go over to Victoria's Secret and ask them for low-rise thongs. If they're too pricey over there for your taste, guess what, they've got them over at Old Navy too.

I get it, when it's hot, that just makes it even harder to come out of the house without looking like you just exited a 50 Cent video. But please, LA ladies, use some common sense.


none said…
Great advice!

But will they listen?

Half shirts and low cut thong showing jeans are another thing I can do without seeing.
Lydia said…
Girlllll you are cracking me up! But Liz, I thinkg baby doll dresses are so cute. Although it seems that all the women in baby doll dresses that I see have something going on from the thigh down that need covering up! So I guess I should check my 40+ (tryin to still think I'm 30) ego at the door to Nordstroms and by some correct underwear! lmao
Mamita Umita said…
I live in the sea of "muffin tops" - I can SO relate!
Liz Dwyer said…
About a year ago someone tried to tell me that showing the thong is in style, that it's just a part of life and not that big of a deal. I told them I guess I'd just have to be unfashionable. Sadly enough, I've had folks come for job interviews and they've worn low rise pants with the thong sticking out. Sigh.

LOL! I think I secretly the baby doll dresses because I don't want anyone wondering if I'm preggers. And I'm probably just seeing way too many folks who truly cannot pull of baby doll dresses. It's like seeing folks in the skinny jeans trend, but they really need to be wearing the boot cut. You do your thing though if you can really rock it. ;0

Ugh, muffin tops...something that is easily preventable by either not wearing low rise jeans or else getting them in the correct size! I think folks could avoid those if they didn't get so caught up in wearing a certain size. If you wear a 12, just fess up and buy the 12, not the 8. Sigh.
This is why I'm glad I live in Boston and not Los Angeles, not that people here know how to dress any better but they do it with a BAAAHHHSTTON accent so it is more amusing. When I meet you in person Liz I'll make sure to leave my thong at home.
Anonymous said…
See Liz, I live in the 3 fattest city in the world...and I promise you, nothing you see in L.A. is worse then what you see at the Good Ole Indiana State Fair...The hicks and the hoes were out in full force and the clothes...OMG...and how fat people are here....OMG...it just amazes me...like I said...it would've been a totally different post if you were here...You would actually appreciate the dabautry of L.A.
Ian Lidster said…
This was hilarious, Liz. Of course, being a crass male, I like looking at 'them' when women bend over. I know I should be ashamed of myself.
But, my attitude is, if you dress that way, it's not my fault if I look. The other thing that strikes me these days is decolette. Everybody seems to feel they must show as much cleavage as possible. Again, please don't blame me if I don't look first at your eyes.
And, of course, the creme-de-la-creme must be polka dot panties under white cotton pants. Perfect ensemble.
By the way, I always use deodorant.
Liz Dwyer said…
LOL! Last time I visited Boston, I could not understand what was being said around me half the time. I suppose it's so cold half the year that you don't even have to worry about seeing some of this clothing craziness for most of the year. I'll still be seeing it all in October when the Santa Ana winds hit. And thank you for leaving the thong at home. I'll hold you to that promise!

Oh, Indiana! I'll there in a week and, so I'll have to see if there's a comparison between here and LA.

Oh, glad you use deodorant. I walk by some folks and they either have some sort of glandular dysfunction, or else they missed all those Sure and Right Guard commercials. And, I was just watching Amadeus last night so I don't know if, in comparison, we're showing as much cleavage as they did back then. You definitely would have gotten an eyeful if you'd lived back then too.
Yo, I love babydoll sundresses, no bra. I pressure my wife into wearing and buying them in the summer (ours was worse than yours here in DC). Luckily she wears invisible anti-perspirant.

Where did this explosion of flip flops and bared toes in general arise? When I was a teenager it was boatshoes and jack purcells for boys and maybe some jellies for girls. Men certainly didn't wear sandals (andthen it was 75 year old dudes with white socks) and women wore slutty candies and such, or hippie thongs. but that was it. Now its a uniform--crossing race and class lines. When I was a kindergartener in 1968 I saw my first pair of flip flops on my teacher at a summer orientation visit. Till then I'd only seen them on TV: on the Viet Cong and surfers.
Jameil said…
lmao!! you know its always 7 million degrees in the south so i often give people a pass on clothing but you have listed the sins, the largest of them to me being the tent-shaped dresses. yuck. also.. PUH-LEASE let's pass on the word that your bikini top does not double as a shirt for the next 8 hours you're awake. this bothers me anyway, but it's really annoying when you know you're not attractive that scantily clad. i agree women have to many body image issues, but KNOW YOUR LIMITATIONS!!!
Shai said…
Amen ^5. Liz, gurl I have said this to my child and I tell others. Sadly, we are preaching to the choir. I have seen old azz women who should know better violating the wearing the right bra with the right outfit law. SMH.
Miz JJ said…
I saw a girl in a baby doll dress and it looked so bad on her. Made her look like a house. Not cute at all. They are sooooooo unflattering.
the last noel said…
LOL. There was a woman wearing a babydoll dress not too long ago. She was short. The dress made her look wider and even shorter.
LOL. Thank You! Enough with the flip-flops dragging on the pavement.

I would also like to add, please do not go to brunch or the supermarket in pj bottoms.
Liz Dwyer said…
Mr. Chambers,
Hmm...perhaps all these LA women who are sporting babydoll dresses, with or without a bra, are merely doing so to keep their significant others happy? And you wouldn't believe it, but nowadays we have to tell new teachers they can't wear flip flops to work. Would anyone wear those things on their first day of work at McKinsey? It makes me wonder, if folks raise their shoe game does respect follow?

What? A bikini top as a shirt? See, that's when we know there are too many drug addicts out there. And, you are absolutely right, folks should know their limitations. One of mine is that if I wore it the first time it was in style (leggings, mini-skirts), then chances are I don't need to wear it the second time it comes back around, twenty years later! Ok, now I feel old! :)

Yeah, I hate when someone wears a bra with a lot of lace on it when they have on a t-shirt. Folks should know better than that if they were born before 1990. I know it has to be hard on your daughter. Walking through the teen section, the clothes are so tight, trampy, waay too much info. No mystery, no imagination at all.

Clearly, if I had a daughter I'd be trying to bundle her into some sort of Star Trek jumpsuit.

Miz JJ,
Yup, they sure are unflattering. If I put one of those things on, I look about twenty pounds heavier and like I haven't exercised since the dark ages. I know folks have got to see the look is not working when they're in the dressing room. But, it's like women have been brainwashed into buying it anyway, just to be in style. I just don't get it.

That's why they're made for babies, the only people in the world who are even remotely cute when they're wide and short. ;)

No. Please say someone DID NOT do that! PJ bottoms?? Was there crack crust around their mouth? I hope so. I could accept that as a reasonable defense. But if they weren't high on something they shouldn't be smoking, then that's just the essence of vanity right there. Whew!
Anonymous said…
You made me laugh out loud when I read the Daisy Dukes section. You are too much!
Liz Dwyer said…
I have no love for the Daisy Dukes. I am convinced that whoever created them is truly the antichrist!
1969 said…
Liz, Liz....you ain't neva lied.

And I am lmao @ Jesus take the wheel.
Liz Dwyer said…
Just calling it as I see it...and wishing I didn't have to see it!
Anonymous said…
I don't leave the house without an undershirt, I keep deodorant in the car, trim my pits and carry around a small washcloth for sweat. I just don't shave. I'm offended by your generalizations about men's hygiene. OK not really, because you're right: most guys smell like feet and butt.

As for the other stuff, I'm a happily married man that does not notice short dresses, exposed thongs, or perky bare breasts on random women. I only have eyes for my wife.
Liz Dwyer said…
LOL! And folks want to know why women like that whole metrosexual thing...it's because it was a much needed reprieve from "feet and butt".

And how sweet that you only have eyes for your wife. Aww! I'm sure that devotion to her has kept you from going into shock and spilling a hot drink or two in your lap.
Casey said…
Hey Liz,
Two things... 1. My baby doll dress is the only thing that I can wear post-maternity that actually hides the baby-belly and makes me feel like I've actually lost some of it (it's only been 5 weeks though)... although, mine at least comes down to my knees. So can we save the classier/longer baby doll dresses for us formerly pregger women? :-)
2. What about these cotton skirts that look like someone just ripped a sleeve off of her t-shirt and stretched it around her butt? I saw a woman's girl-alls when she was wearing one of these while 'oh so gracefully' climbing out of a Ford F-350. GROSS! Obviously she left her underoos at home.
P.S. Bo, James and I are moving back to Louisiana on Thursday... We'll miss you!
Sundry said…
I saw a teen out in Palmdale walking around with her fly undone, even the button, like it was fashionable. Is that something that's happening? The resale shop owner asked her to leave. (She was there with a couple of girls and a couple of guys.)
Liz Dwyer said…
You totally get a pass on baby doll dresses! You look better in them than half of the single ladies who've never been pregnant do. And I just do not get the no underwear phenomenon. It completely mystifies me. And I wonder why folks don't know how to get in and out of cars/trucks anymore without showing all their business! Gross, indeed!
You all have a safe move home to the other LA! I'll miss you too...and don't be a stranger.

What in the world? I have not seen that, but who knows. That seems so ridiculous. Then again, who would have thought the whole saggy pants phenomenon would stick around so long.
West said…
Love this: "Try wearing something that doesn't have the world afraid that your undies are going to be exposed."

In my case, it's not a look of fear, but eager anticipation. :-p

re: "How about wear a longer dress, something you don't have to hold down when a breeze is blowing?"

It cracks me up when women wear very revealing clothing then cover up when they think people are looking. I have to wonder why they revealed something they didn't want people to see.

re: "And remember, when you are wearing a dress, you don't bend over at the waist, you squat down from the knees."

I've seen more female butt-cracks (outside my home) than the law allows, in recent months. It's almost like showing your "crike" (as locals put it) is in-style or something.

Liz Dwyer said…
I'm sure your anticipation is totally ruined when the exposed flesh just screams to be covered up. And I have to give LA some slack. My time in Indiana has me convinced that the antichrist of fashion has released it's minions on the Midwest. I saw ridiculousness there that had me in stitches.

Popular Posts