Thursday Thirteen: Comments, Concerns and Are You KIDDING ME's From This Newly Reborn Gym Rat

It's June, so you know what that means? I'm only two months away from the start of marathon training season!

Yes, boys and girls, my days of slacking on the couch (yeah, right. as if that ever happens) are OVER. I hit up the gym both last night and tonight and...hmm, I saw a few things. So, here are

13 Questions, Comments, Concerns and Are You KIDDING Me's
From This Newly Reborn Gym Rat

1) Does Locker Room Etiquette Even Exist Anymore? Don't get me wrong, I fully expect to see nekkid ladyparts when I walk into the locker room. What I don't want to see is a woman with zero clothes on straddling a bench with her legs spread wide open TRIMMING HER PUBIC HAIRS. You see RiRi's look in the picture above? That's how I was feeling. No ma'am. Please do that at home. Or go to a salon. If the hair down there bothers you, professional garden tending is your friend.

2) If You Are Trimming Your Pubes In The Locker Room:
Don't act like I'm a perv and give ME the evil eye because I'm staring at you snipping away at your crotch hairs. I can't help but watch a train wreck. Not to mention, I can't remember the last time I saw a grown woman in Los Angeles with a full, get the picture.

3) Do Not Shave Off Your Foot Calluses In Public:
I actually think I'd rather watch the pubic bush trimming than see someone prop their foot up on the locker room sink and scrape their foot calluses off with a razor blade.

4) Cheap Tights Aren't Made For Exercise:
Cheap, see-through tights to work out in? And you have on a waist-length, form fitting workout top? And you look over the age of 30, which should mean that you know better. Do us all a favor: Go buy some shorts, sweatpants, leggings, track pants. Just not the see thru tights. And especially don't wear them when you have on a) a thong b) no underwear at all.

5) Dear Guys Lost In Thought Between Your 10 Gazillion Leg Extension Sets:
Yes, other people are waiting to use the leg extension machine. I'm waiting to use it...and while I can appreciate your need to daydream between sets, daydreaming and massaging your, er, package, is just...yeah, it's a don't.

6) Racing Me on the Treadmill? Really?
You know those people who get on the treadmill next to yours, stare all at the stats on your treadmill screen and then increase their speed so that they're maybe going like .1 mile per hour faster than you are? Those people always wanna run next to me. But then, they don't know that I'm listening to this:

Yeah, sorry homegirl, you started playing treadmill race with me right when the beat drops at the 2:43 mark. And when that song was over, I ran to this 20-year-old Apotheosis mix of O Fortuna on REPEAT.

Yeah, I can't run a whole marathon at a 9 minute mile pace, but I sure can dust your tired behind for a good while listening to those tracks. And I hope you caught my 'how ya like me now?" look, too.

7) Please Wear Flip Flops Around The Pool:
Do folks want to catch MRSA? Athlete's foot? Who in their right mind comes to the gym and hovers around the pool with no flip flops on? Y'all all wanna wear flip flops out in public but can't find any when you get to the gym? I'm confused.

8) You Working Out Hard! Tryna Get Into a Bikini, Eh? Guys, listen up, Saying stuff like that is NOT an effective way to get a woman to like you. One, it conveys that you think she is not already fly enough to wear a bikini. Two, it assumes she even WANTS to wear a bikini--no, we don't all like bikinis. Three, not every woman goes to the gym to try to get a date. She's paying her money to exercise.

9) If Your Child Is Having a Tantrum in the Weight Room...: Take her home or put her in the gym daycare. Don't go do the lat pulldown while yelling, "You need to stop crying. I'm not listening to you."

10) And Then What Had Happened Was:
It's fun to go workout with a friend, but folks, when you're at the gym conversating with your homegirl, realize that while you're catching up on all goings on in each other's love lives, everybody else can also hear what you're saying. I now know how many times you've cheated on your boyfriend. Why you decided to cheat, and why you don't think your boyfriend suspects. (How about just break up, mmkay?)

11) Stepmill Superiority Complex?
You ever notice how the people who do the stepmill are always looking down on us treadmill, stationary bike and elliptical folks like they're better than us?

12) Don't Let Your Child Run Around Naked in the Family Locker Room:
When I get my boys changed for swimming, we go in the family locker room, and I have my sons change in stalls. With doors. With locks. Dear other parents, please do the same. I don't want to see your child running around naked because you don't want to wait for a changing stall.

13) I Still Love My Gym: Even though there are sometimes extremely gross things to be seen, it's a pretty low key space at a reasonable price, and generally, people are really nice. I'm sure it wouldn't hurt if we all had gym etiquette.


Toni Campbell said…
I was toying with the idea of joining a gym this morning...until I read this. Number one just grossed me out completely. Now I will stay fat and it is all your fault! LOL
Liz Dwyer said…
LOL! Well, I tell you, I go to the YMCA and it was 100 times worse at Bally's. The only time I didn't have to deal with this mess was when I was single and paid a GRIP every month to work out at an upscale gym I lived in every single day.
Daniel said…
Los Angelista,
This was TOO funny.
And true.

Oh, and you ought to see what some guys do in the showers …
Ehhh … nevermind
(Flip-flops required)
nick said…
Thanks, Liz, you've given me another 12 excellent reasons for not visiting the gym. It seems that just about anything goes in the informal ambience of the get-fit venue, short of group orgies. Trimming your pubes in public, yeeukk!
Liz Dwyer said…
I can only IMAGINE what guys do in the showers! I've had to have that talk about NOT doing that in our shower at home (sigh, how come I don't live in an apartment with two bathrooms?)

Haha! Really this IS so much better than my previous gym, but people do all sorts of gross stuff in public and I don't understand why they don't just wait till they're in the privacy of their own home. I guess they're just feeling VERY comfortable!
havetotri said…
One of the reasons I think people do these THINGS at the gym is that they don't have to clean up after themselves. It doesn't help when the janitor just sprays chemicals and waters down everything. Will that leave everything germ free? Yeah right.

Thanks for the post. We feel the same way.
Liz Dwyer said…
I think you're probably right about the cleanup factor. If someone else can do it, why not?

You know, I am so germ-phobic I don't know how I'm even a gym member. I have a hard time touching stuff!
Doodling said…
This Thursday Thirteen made me SO glad I go to a university gym, where naked kids and pube-trimmers are pretty much absent in the locker room. :D

(First-time commenter, sort of long-time reader.)
Liz Dwyer said…
Oh gosh, I miss how NICE university gyms are! Except I remember how I would always see my French prof naked in the locker room. That was a little awkward. And, very glad you decided to take the plunge and say hi. :)
Doodling said…
LOL! :D My calculus "professor" (age 22, ineffective but hot) saw me in my bathing suit once. Awkward...especially since I didn't have my glasses on, couldn't tell who he was, and snapped "What?" when he said hi.

LOVE your writing.
Jameil said…
MA'AM!!! THE TRIMMING OF ANY BODY PARTS OR EXTRANEOUS WHATEVERS IN THE GYM!!!! FOR SERIOUS!?!? BUT I LOVE LOVE LOVE!! you for no. 6! She does NOT know who she was messing with! :) Super awesome!
Anonymous said…
Aw man. This is why I stick to home work out videos and yoga with my own mat. And have an attitude if someone's nasty feet touch my mat. I even have a hard time taking my kids swimming at a private pool and showering afterwards - I really just want to bundle them up wet and have them bathe at home after reading this! Trimming the pubs? I almost choked on my wine that's so gross. And will I really have to have a talk with my son in a few years about what not to do in the shower? I must make some money to afford a pool and multiple bathrooms. *totally scheeved*
xtrekki said…
It surely has to be enough just to have the Jane Fonda workout dvd's??? I find watching them works up a head of sweat!!
Liz Dwyer said…
That is really funny. And then when you see them in class, isn't it just a little bit weird? :) And thanks for saying you love my writing. That's very nice of you.

Along with those "no chewing gum" and "no cell phones) signs, they need a "no trimming ANYTHING" sign! And no, that lady sure didn't know! But I admit that my legs were HURTING on Friday! ;)

I'm with you. I have SUCH a hard time in public restrooms/showers/pools. It's a little extreme, but gosh, MRSA is no joke! What workout videos do you have in rotation right now? I like doing the ones on exercise TV, but sometimes there's nothing like a little treadmill and weight room action.

I run marathons so Jane Fonda isn't enough, sadly. My mom had a workout CASSETTE TAPE of hers from the '80s and it was awesome.
Anonymous said…
I'm doing P90 and P90X. And for running, I'll run outside. Yoga is my love, though, and if you want to sweat, try a Bikram class where the heat is cranked up and it's like a plantation in there.
Melanie said…
Good God! I thought watching the elderly naked woman trimming her TOENAILS in the locker room was bad. People do some gross ass things at the gym.
Rainy said…
OMG! What you said about the stepmill people is sooo true. The gym at my job is full of these elitists. I go there and they are all looking at me doing my HOUR, yes I said HOUR on the elliptical, like I'm not working out hard enough. Thanks this was great!

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