No One Cares If Mothers Are Exhausted
I came to the conclusion this morning--at 4:42 a.m. to be exact--that people who don't have kids should not complain in the presence of mothers about how exhausted they are. Or how they have no life. Sure, fatigue is relative but sometimes there's only so much "I'm soooo tired! I have NO time to myself," a mom can handle, especially when she's just woken up after falling asleep in an armchair.
But here's the bottom line: no one cares if mothers are exhausted. It was our choice to have a kid, right? No one made us get pregnant, and we should've thought about how because of the way society is set up, we'd just have to deal with working during the day at one job, and working a second job, that of being a parent, the minute we left the first job.
No one wants to hear about how mothers dash through traffic to pick up their kids from an afterschool program that ends at 6 p.m. --how your kids are ALWAYS the last kids there, and then you take them to baseball or to piano or to swimming lessons, and then you take them home, feed them, check their homework, listen to their problems and get them to bed. And by the time you're finished with that, there are dishes in the sink and you need to at least make sure you paid the light bill...meaning it's almost 11 p.m. Sometimes later.
Oh, and when you're married to someone who works nontraditional hours, guess what? You're doing all that on your own.
I love my two sons and I dislike it intensely when people act like having a children is a burden. Really, my boys are the best thing that ever happened to me and they're genuinely cool people. I'd rather hang out with them on any given evening than do most things. There is nothing like seeing my youngest have a great baseball game like he did last night, or spending hours hunting for a pair of pants for my growing-like-a-maniac 10-year-old because he's going to the LAUSD school board meeting. But I have to tell you, life really sucks for working moms who don't have help--whether that's family or the ability to pay a nanny or maid. There is no way to do it all, and you always feel like it's not enough.
So if you're around a mom today who works and you're not a mom, please be considerate and step into her shoes before you start to bitch about your schedule. Think about everything else she has going on--all the stuff she doesn't talk about because she knows no one cares.
But here's the bottom line: no one cares if mothers are exhausted. It was our choice to have a kid, right? No one made us get pregnant, and we should've thought about how because of the way society is set up, we'd just have to deal with working during the day at one job, and working a second job, that of being a parent, the minute we left the first job.
No one wants to hear about how mothers dash through traffic to pick up their kids from an afterschool program that ends at 6 p.m. --how your kids are ALWAYS the last kids there, and then you take them to baseball or to piano or to swimming lessons, and then you take them home, feed them, check their homework, listen to their problems and get them to bed. And by the time you're finished with that, there are dishes in the sink and you need to at least make sure you paid the light bill...meaning it's almost 11 p.m. Sometimes later.
Oh, and when you're married to someone who works nontraditional hours, guess what? You're doing all that on your own.
I love my two sons and I dislike it intensely when people act like having a children is a burden. Really, my boys are the best thing that ever happened to me and they're genuinely cool people. I'd rather hang out with them on any given evening than do most things. There is nothing like seeing my youngest have a great baseball game like he did last night, or spending hours hunting for a pair of pants for my growing-like-a-maniac 10-year-old because he's going to the LAUSD school board meeting. But I have to tell you, life really sucks for working moms who don't have help--whether that's family or the ability to pay a nanny or maid. There is no way to do it all, and you always feel like it's not enough.
So if you're around a mom today who works and you're not a mom, please be considerate and step into her shoes before you start to bitch about your schedule. Think about everything else she has going on--all the stuff she doesn't talk about because she knows no one cares.
Comments
If society has a problem with respecting motherhood it's news to me - I (and friends like me) are constantly dealing with a society that expects women to want to have children. Motherhood is treated like the crown jewel of life accomplishments; that you are somehow broken if you don't want it. Colleagues ask expectant questions, parents pester for grandbabies. It's always awkward when you try to explain yourself and people look at you like you grew a second head. They say things like, "But you clock is ticking!" "Won't you be lonely when you're older?" or the worst, the dismissive "Oh, you'll change your mind."
It took me a while to get to my point.. If people without children have to stop complaining about time and stress whenever they're around people with children, then people with children should stop asking people without children when they are having them (avoiding baby talk and a ban on parading babies around the office would be nice, too, but that's asking too much and might not be fair).
And I have felt for a long time (I'm 36 and if I do have kids at some point, I'd like to foster to adopt, don't want to birth them) that society DEFINITELY devalues women without children. I don't watch that much TV but I saw three shows this week where someone was in either a real or mock dangerous situation and they said some version of "Don't shoot me, I have children!" That's bothered me before - are people with children more valuable? OK, it's OK to dispose of me because I don't have children?
But what I'm really talking about is why does it have to be so hard for everyone? Maybe so many women would cry themselves to sleep if they actually didn't feel so alone or disrespected as mothers...because I do think our society has REAL problems respecting moms. But OK, back to work.
Sure, people choose to be a mum but they don't usually realise in advance just how onerous and all-consuming it's going to be, especially as I say if other people just leave them to it.
But it's also true that non-parents can have pretty stressful lives, particularly if you have a full-time, demanding job that means you have to work long hours with not enough down-time. Or the sort of job your husband does. Or a soldier or an airline pilot.
I sometimes think I'm exhausted, and I think straightaway of parents like you who know what exhaustion really means.
So, this post was prompted by a rather irksome conversation with a MAN who is single. He always gets to complaining about how busy he is, how tired he is and how he has no time for himself. Now, he can complain all he wants to...that's certainly his right, but after a certain point, my STFU side-eye can't help but emerge.
That said, I do have sympathy for the state of overwork everybody is in. Pretty much no one these days, whether they have kids or not, has work-life balance. And I am the last person to be interested in some sort of game of comparative suffering--who's more exhausted? We all are, but I know a divorced mom with young twins and I know that she has struggles and challenges I can't even imagine. I have a friend who has health issues and two kids and her husband's deployed. She has a LOT of help from her extended family, but I still know she is having a tough time. When I talk to her, I keep that in mind.
Anyway, it has taken me an hour to type this little bit simply because my head hurts so much. I have more to say, but I don't think I can right now.
I've read enough of your blog to know that you're a generally compassionate person and a great mother. I think that the title of your post really sums up what you're feeling. And I think that is legitimate. Women still do more than half of the housework and child-rearing - usually much more than half - even if they're working. It's a virtually impossible state of being and I have heard people say "but you chose it."
That said, as a childless person, I'm still very fatigued sometimes. I have medical issues contributing to this and I'm a teacher, but even if neither of those things were true, I would express fatigue and not expect to get a "you don't have kids so don't talk to me about it" from somebody. That's the feeling I got from your post although I don't think that's what you actually meant.
Hell everyone can be tired for a variety of their own reasons. I'm sympathetic to everyone's plight. We are all exhausted!
However, as a working mom, I totally understand where you were coming from with this one. Sending you hugs and wishing those migranes away. Yes, it is often a thankless job because as mothers we do what is expected of us. No one says thank you, great job. It's what we're just supposed to do. You are superwoman and I salute you!
Now, I will say I have no life. Because I sit and chill at the house and have a hard time making friends, connecting with friends, etc. People with children have a life. They have people to interact with. Sure, they may prefer to spend more time with adults, and long for more quiet time and all that, but dollars to donuts they don't have to deal with night after night after night of the only other human voices coming from the television. There are pros and cons to bothe situations, and erasing the cons is just as bad as being callous to how mothers are exhausted.
Do I even need to get into how even when I sleep for 22 hours straight, the chemistry level in my brain is STILL the level that it's at for normal people after they've been awake 72 hours straight, THEN decide to go in for another day at work?
YOU made the choice to have kids. I do not feel ONE IOTA of pity for you. Children are a blessing that require work and sacrifice, and you should be ashamed for complaining over this GIFT that many people in this world will NEVER GET TO EXPERIENCE.