Please Come Slap My New Neighbors For Me

If I'm in jail when the sun rises, it's because I decided to go downstairs and hurt my new neighbors.

These fools moved in a month ago, and since then we've had a steady stream of beer bottles and cigarette butts in the backyard, as well as nonstop, loud-ass get-togethers.

These quaint shindigs feature mega doses of crashing, banging and screaming, making me wonder:
a) is there a murder going on?
b) are they filming a porno?
c) are they throwing chairs against the wall just for kicks?
d) is PCP use taking place?

Right now it sounds like all of the above, and it's 3:00 in the morning on a school night!

Nevermind that these clowns probably aren't in school-unless they're the hardest partying grad students on the planet-but don't they have jobs? Have irresponsible trust fund babies moved in?

Yes, I've already called LAPD.

What? You think that instead of calling the cops, I should just march myself downstairs and tell them to shut the eff up?

Let me tell you a bedtime story: A week and a half ago they were partying on a Thursday, and a few minutes before midnight, I'd had enough. Down the stairs I went and knock, knock, knock.

Homie answers the door wearing faded jeans and a lumberjack shirt, and holding a Heineken bottle.

"Hey! How you doing???" He was entirely too cheery and I totally stared him down so he knew this was not an, "Omigawd, can I come party with you?" kind of visit.

My gaze clearly helped him get a clue because he took a swill before asking,"Are we being too loud?"


Behind him, each clutching their own bottle of beer, stood a dozen twenty-something "I'm Running For Mayor of Hipstervania" candidates. I could hear them thinking, "Ugh, the crotchety old lady from upstairs." But I was too cranky and annoyed to care.

"Yes, you are being too loud, and you woke up my kids. They have to be up for school in the morning. And I have to be up at 5 AM so..."

I never got the rest of the sentence out because I was too busy jumping out of the way. THIS ASSHOLE sways, convulses, and barfs onto the floor right in front of me. Unfortunately, I did not move quickly enough because my feet-and my favorite pair of flip flops-received a healthy dose of barf-splash.

YES, I said barf splash!

I was so grossed out I was speechless - and seriously, what else was there to say? When your neighbor's so trashed that he throws up right in front of you, and some of the barf flies up on your feet, he KNOWS it's time to shut it down.

Plus, I have to admit that the uber horrified looks on his friend's faces as I turned and stalked off were pretty awesome to behold.

Anyway, the next day he came upstairs, apologized. I told him how I have no problem with moderate parties on the weekends or in the early evenings on weekdays. He promised they'd reign it in, and all seemed copacetic.

Unfortunately, his version of reigning it in is very different from our version. Since Barf-Gate, my husband's gone down there twice and flipped out, and tonight he's been banging on our floor when things start getting out of hand. They'll shut up for awhile, but 20 minutes pass and they're back at it.

When LAPD gets here (will they EVER get here?) I hope one of the officers gets barfed on. Please, God, let that happen!


Anne said…
Omigosh that's HORRIBLE! Hope things are resolved and you all get some sleep!
Omigosh ~ and I thought my downstairs neighbors were a pain in the ass...they are wonderful compared to yours!
I feel your pain. I had very loud neighbors in L.A. and our walls were very thin.

Hope the hipsters get a clue soon.
Remnants of U said…
Well, I can put up with the barking dogs...So did a policeman get the barf foot?
Tracy said…
If you guys could find a house to rent, go for it. Unfortunately, lot of young apartment dwellers don't have any respect for families and children, particularly young men. They don't care about anything.

I hope the cops scare them straight. I cannot stand bad apartment neighbors.
nick said…
I totally sympathise, Liz. We had similar neighbours when we lived in a London flat. All-night parties, no response to complaints, endless loud music etc. We had to endure it for nine months until the local Environmental Health Department finally took them to court, got them fined and they moved out shortly afterwards.
Anonymous said…
I hate neighbors. We have a married couple with a young child in the home next door and this fool rides up and down the street driving way too fast on an ATV. Revving his engines in the driveway seems to be a hobby. And he blasts music early in the morning as well.

I won't get into the neighbors who act like you're about to ask to cosign a mortgage when you're simply trying to say hello.

Did friendly, responsible neighbors with common sense ever exist? Or I get all the duds?
b. said… may want to start recording the shenanagins for future proof should it come to that.
Liz Dwyer said…
Of course, by the time the cops showed up at around 4:30 AM, they'd gone to bed. I never went back to bed - and I had to be at LAX anyway for a 7:30 flight so I guess it all works out. Sigh.

I figure any bad neighbor is a a pain in the ass. Then again, they probably think I'm a bad neighbor!

Or move soon. That's the option I'm in favor of.

Nope. Those fools were passed out by the time the cops showed, so no barf. I wonder if the officers would've arrested them for barf-assault? :)

I wish we could but house renting prices around us are INSANE. A few blocks away there's a cute smallish 2 bedroom cottage for $2700 a month. I don't want to move out of my neighborhood, but maybe the time is coming where I'll have to go down that road.

Wow, the health department took them to court??? Now THAT sounds crazy!

Was he trying to hit somebody with that ATV? Good grief. We've had some really great neighbors and then some who were racist and called us monkeys. You never know who will move in.
Liz Dwyer said…
LOL, put my Flip camera to good use. Send footage to Councilman Garcetti and Mayor Villaraigosa. Hehehe. I like that idea.
Tracy said…
$2700 for a two bedroom cottage is criminal! I knew LA was expensive, but that's NYC type rent.
Anonymous said…
@LosAngelista And to make it even worse, he was flying down the street on this ATV during the summer when kids were out of school.

I live in a rural area off of a long desolate road with lots of open fields. Go out there and do that.
Liz Dwyer said…
Yeah, there's straight up robbery going on with housing prices in LA. And then you need a car and car insurance, too. Wait, why do I live here? Oh yeah, the weather. ;)

Wow, it's a miracle something didn't happen. He's lucky.

Yeah, rural areas are the only place to do that kind of thing. Not the business where there are lots of pedestrians.
Anonymous said…
I'll slap yours if you slap mine...unfortunately my upstairs neighbor's bedroom in right above my daughter's nursery so she gets woken up by the sound of their loud TV and conversations all the time!
Daniel said…
Why I don't go north of the 10! Too afraid, don't trust 'their kind', lol.

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