Need To Lose A Few Pounds?

Do you feel like you've tried everything to lose weight and nothing works?

Are you tired of seeing all your size two co-workers going out on Friday night while you're the fat pleasingly plump mom who rallies herself for another weekend of schlepping her children to sporting events?

Are you the guy whose pants have become high-waters because you need the 38-inch waist instead of the 34-inch you insist on squeezing yourself into?

Do you growl, "That's not real! There's a sock in there!" while your wife coos over another David Beckham Armani Underoos ad?

Never fear, I have a solution for you.

No, I'm not going to make you go to Weight Watchers. Besides, do you really think Becks writes down everything he eats and then goes to a meeting to be publicly weighed?

And do you really want to acknowledge that you're scarfing down the entire package of pink and red foil-wrapped Valentine's Day chocolate that you supposedly bought for "the whole office"?

Jenny Craig? Well, Phylicia Rashad is giving it a go and Valerie Bertinelli had amazing "Results Not Typical" results, but there's always the ghost of Scientolo-actress Kirstie Alley to haunt all that, "Have you tried Jenny?" happiness.

On the other hand, if you gain it all back, like Kirstie claims she didn't, you can say that your "thetans" are out of alignment.

NutriSystem? Do you really want to spend $300 a month on pre-packaged come-alive food in this economy? Ok, so you're still a $$$ tossing baller, shot-caller, dippin' in the Benz with the spoilers type... but did you not read, "pre-packaged come-alive food"? It's basically the same stuff they feed our military while they're out hunting for Osama bin Laden!

Forget about ALL of that! I have the easiest solution ever for you and you WILL lose weight. In fact, you could lose up to seven pounds in five days! Yes, that's right! Up to seven pounds in five days, guaranteed! And, out of the goodness of my heart, I won't charge you a single dime for my secret weight-loss recipe.

All you need to do is come and let me breathe on you. That way you can catch whatever virus/bacteria/poison has made friends with me over the past week. Once you have it, you can swallow it, eat it, inhale it, snort it or shoot up with it. It's your choice and I know you like choices, don't you?

However you want to do it, just make sure it's thoroughly ingested. It'll take a couple of hours to work it's magic, but before you know it, your stomach will start to act like it's a rag being put through a wringer. Then you will be too afraid to eat solid food because if you do, it's just going to come right back up. All of it.

Don't worry about hunger pangs. And don't worry about the fact that you'll feel like a lethargic, half-dead possum either. Get yourself together! The most important thing is that you will see cheekbones again when you look in the mirror! Do you hear me? Cheekbones!!!

Remember, give the germs five days, and we'll take at least seven pounds off your frame. And if you aren't satisfied with the results, no, no, NO you can't return the germs to sender.

Comments

Paulette said…
I've had that exact same disease 3 times in the last 3 months and only lost 3 pounds. Maybe I need the more violent strain!

Except I'm done being sick. Sorry you're still stuck with it!
Anonymous said…
OMG im sitting here with a salad i really dont want and grapes tryin to incorporate "change" and then I saw you tweet thing and I thought hmmm, ok lemme go learn something. I am lol right now though. You are hilarious. Hope you feel better. uh, but u did say seven lbs right? lol
Jen said…
Yuck, Liz, I sure hope you feel MUCH better soon. This is definitely a diet plan that I would skip.
Liz Dwyer said…
P Font,
Goodness, THREE times? Ugh. I can only hope and pray this doesn't come around for me again.

Soshallitbea,
Yep, seven pounds! Your lunch is totally me most of the time and goodness, all the salad eating and running I've been doing, to think all I needed was to get sick!

Jen,
I would've liked to skip this diet plan too. It's such a nice day outside today... 80 degrees, and I can't even go out and enjoy it.
Toni Campbell said…
Well as tempting as this sounds, the plane ticket alone will cost me the $300 I would have spent on Nutrisystem. So, I am going to stay in ATL and eat some tainted peanut butter instead. Not enough to kill me, just a enough to give me mild food poisoning! LOL.
Hope you fell better soon.
Remnants of U said…
LOL! Quite a creative post from someone so ill. Ohhh, I hate that feeling of being scared to eat b/c your not quite sure if you can hold it down. I hope you feel better soon!
Shiona said…
Ugh! I hope you feel better soon Liz! I too will pass on this diet plan.
allison sara said…
you keep the humor no matter what!
Ian Lidster said…
Still suffering? I am so sorry. Also sorry that I don't want to try your diet plan. Would love to give you a hug, but not until you feel better, OK?
Unknown said…
I have never lost weight from being sick. My body CLINGS to fat as if it's the only way to keep the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse at bay!

Actually, I've lost about 100 pounds since November 2008, but not because I was sick from the flu or any other communicable disease. I used to WISH I could get sick enough to lose 100 pounds over night! That was my most fervent prayer each night--to go to sleep and wake up thin. It never happened, and I was sorely pissed for years about it!

So Liz, are you ready for "The Cure" yet? :) I swear, if you can keep it down, it will kill the germs on contact!

Girl, that may be a sock, but that boy has BODY! Ooooooweeee! (Shame on you, Angela! Bad girl, bad girl!)
Anonymous said…
You are TOO funny!

Glad you're feeling better.

Brunsli
Liz Dwyer said…
Toni,
Good point, good point. And given that the post office is going to be making cutbacks, if I try to breathe in a vial and ship it, you might not get it. Sigh. I suppose you'll need some trial and error to figure out just the right dosage of peanut butter. Do you start out with one teaspoon first and then work your way up? :)

Remnants of U,
I suppose if I can't do anything but lie down I have to channel all my energy into something, somehow! And I'm with you! I hate that feeling too. I had some saltines and apple juice this afternoon though. I am on a ROLL!

Shiona,
I don't blame you for passing it up. Besides, the long term success of this seven pounds remains to be seen. I have a feeling I'll be back to normal by this time next week!

Allison Sara,
Yes, I like to laugh alot so I suppose I write stuff that entertains me too!

Ian,
I'll wait for the hug, no problem! I wouldn't want anyone to really suffer through whatever it is that's wrong with me. It is not enjoyable in the least.

Angela,
LOL, you are so funny. There are all sorts of amazingly inappropriate jokes I could make about that sock but I'll refrain! :) And goodness, that is FAB that you've lost 100 pounds in only 3 months! Wow! And goodness, wouldn't it be something if we could fall asleep and wake up thinner or with more toned abs or whatever? Alas, the world does NOT work that way!

I tried that cure and it did NOT work on me. It all came back up and burned horribly! I thought I was gonna die! And so I've been listening to "The Cure" all day as a way of compensating! :)

Brunsli,
Yes, I've managed to keep down jello and saltines today! We're making progress!
I think I caught something reading this post. That is one powerful bug.

Here's to cheekbones, and hoping you feel better soon.
Unknown said…
Major typo! It was November 2007, not 2008! It's taken me over a year to lose that weight, and I still have more to go. Although logically I know it can't be done overnight, part of me still says but...miracles happen, don't they?

I mean if Charleton Heston could part the Red Sea....
Anonymous said…
I don't lose weight when I'm ill, though as you know I'm pretty thin anyway. But I'm also an anxious type and I tend to lose a few pounds if I'm super-anxious about something. If it's anxiety that's kept me skinny all these years, I guess it has its upside.
Anonymous said…
Ooh, so sorry about that.

But while we're on the topic, I can say that the initial period of a separaton will drop you're weight in a most alarming way.
Liz Dwyer said…
Heart,
I think I am feeling much better! Whew! This may mean my cheekbones are gonna disappear again, but I'm alright with that.

Angela,
2008 or 2007 -- either way, it's still quite an accomplishment. Gosh, if only I could flatten my stomach like Mr. Heston parted the Red Sea!

Nick,
I have never lost weight when anxious! I only lose weight when I exercise ALL the time and am too broke to buy food. But since that miraculous combination hasn't really happened to me since my mid twenties, I haven't been too skinny for awhile. Oh well!

Citizen,
I wonder if that would work for me. I don't think so, unfortunately.

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