Spam Promises: Where Are My Lottery Winnings?

It's a slow Saturday night in the big city.

Maybe I'm just depressed that Notre Dame is now 1-7 thanks to this afternoon's massacre by USC, but tonight's so slow that I'm watching Bill O'Reilly and perusing the spam in my Gmail account.

Yeah, it's that bad. But the spam is sort of entertaining!

According to my junk email, my life is going to get better because I am:
1) getting richer and
2) getting a bigger penis.

Let's talk about the penis first: Jordan B. Thayer sent me a message promising me, "You won't believe your eyes when you see your new penis size!"

Jordan isn't alone in her confidence that she can make my penis grow. It seems there are a whole lot of other folks who also believe they've got just what I need to get something sprouting down there. Apparently, Vicky M. Coker, Earnestine M. Nava, and Misty T. Dickey (uh-huh) have some solutions for me as well.

The problem is --and g
osh, how can I explain this to Jordan and friends? I'm just really not sure how can I make my penis grow bigger when I, ahem, don't even have a penis.

At least Jordan's right when she (or is it a he?) says I won't believe my eyes. If it happens, if I start sprouting a penis...well, gosh, who knows what kind of crazy things I might be inclined to do!

Even if the penis growing turns out to be a bust, at least I'll be rich! Guess what everybody? I've won $1 million pounds!

Yes, I've won the UK National Lottery! And I didn't even have to enter. No dropping dollars on a quick pick for Saturday night's SuperLotto Plus drawing for me! Nope, my email address was randomly selected as a winner. Aren't I lucky?

The only downside I can see is that I can't really say I'm a millionaire thanks to the pesky US dollar not being what it used to be, but gosh, money is money! Maybe I'll have enough after exchange rates and taxes for a down payment on a piece of overpriced real estate in my neighborhood.

All I have to do is send every stitch of info about myself to a Dr. Pinkett Griffin at his Yahoo address. I especially can't forget my bank account info and social security number.

I feel sorry for Dr. Griffin though. I guess he has to use the Yahoo address because his official UK National Lottery address is having problems.

Maybe it's been clogged up by email spam.


Mes Deux Cents said…
Hi Liz,

Thanks for that post, it cheered up my Sunday morning.(lol)

Is it just me or is spam getting worse? In my main email account I used to get spam every now and then but now I get a ton of it!

The spammers even fooled me once, I rcvd a email that said you have rcvd a greeting from a family member. I actually opened it, which infected my computer with some stupid virus which cost me 90 bucks to remove!
Liz, this post was hilarious.

What is it about the penis size spam? I get them all the time.

I think it's funny you were watching Bill O'Reilly. I love it when Sharpton is on.
thailandchani said…
There have been some ads on TV lately that are actually funny! It shows some shady looking guy sitting down next to a woman on the bus. He begins the monologue about having won a load of money, "you only have to cash this check", etc., and he is of course immediately sent on his way. It is hard to imagine that anyone would fall for those things. Really.

I seem to get more drug spam than anything else. Gee, maybe that says something. LOL


Have you bought that Transformers Movie and watched it a zillion times yet?
Liz Dwyer said…
Spam completely overran my yahoo account and for awhile it was horrible on my hotmail one. The Gmail account gets about 30 of these crazy emails week. I heard about that greeting -- was it the e-card thing?

I really wonder sometimes how many people click on the penis size spam. It must work sometime, right?

What really makes me laugh is when O'Reilly does some story that's sex related, he always shows every graphic photo/video he can. He was talking about Kim Kardashian last night and before you know it, he's showing footage of her and Ray J from the sex tape! But he tries to act so holier than thou about it.

I saw that one today! I just don't get who the heck sends all their bank info to some stranger. I also get the ones that tell me that they need help claiming $25 million and if I just help them, they'll give me a cut. Gosh, are folks really that greedy that they'll fall for that?

If I get drug spam, I get viagra! :)

I have managed to resist the lure of the Transformers DVD. I'm sure it'll be here in the house before I know it!
Mes Deux Cents said…

Yes it was the e-card thing. I read about it after the fact.

Now I'm overly cautions about opening email. They really need to get this spam/ virus thing under control. I've been considering getting a second (used) pc just so I don't have to worry so much about virus' and the like.
Liz Dwyer said…
I think I read that the majority of internet traffic is spam and porn. I suppose a second computer could do the trick...but eventually, some evil hacker will figure out a way to attack your computer again in a way you least suspect it. :(
Anonymous said…
You are hilarious.
M said…
Hey, they keep telling me that my penis can be bigger, too! And then, when I don't respond, I get emails letting me know that ladies like it bigger and harder and I better get on board. Dang. Way to make a (penis-less) woman feel bad!
Liz Dwyer said…
Sort of reminds me of how Olinga tells me that only three people in our house have penises because there are three boys...he pats my hand like I'm gonna cry over it!

You too? Gosh, I wonder how many other women get those emails too! Well you know we all supposedly have penis envy...
Dena said…
oh liz,
your sarcasm just kills me :-) and your comment back to mojan had me rolling on the floor!
none said…
I get those too. We must be on the same mailing list :)
Ian Lidster said…
I'm happy for you about your million pounds; I just won that, too. I don't want to think about the penis thing as pertains to you. At least for me there is a little logic. Not only can I have a humungous penis but I can be incessantly virile. What a cheery thought.
This was extremely funny, Liz.
Jameil said…
lol. know what? my spam at my work email not only promises to enlarge my non-existent member. today it said, "hey mom! what's for dinner?" a mom w/a penis?! oh my!
Liz Dwyer said…
You'd really be laughing if you heard the second part which is his statement that girls don't have penises because, "They have BAGINAS." Yes, my son has now adopted the language patterns of his Latino brothers and sisters.

Oh man! Just when I was starting to think I was special!

You won that lottery too? Cool! I guess they are just spreading that UK National Lottery wealth across the pond! Trying to turn us all into Anglophiles or something.

And I think the person who's most worried about my potential penis growth is my husband. He told me that he knows people change as they get older, but he isn't prepared for size comparisons with his wife.

Well, seeing how this is LA, I am sure there's a mom with a penis somewhere here! ;0
Dena said… were right....the second part was even funnier! i have to stop laughing out loud at work. you're gonna get me in trouble!

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