Thursday Thirteen: Don't Say or Do In Public

I am brain dead today so I decided to make my blogging life easier and dive into the Thursday Thirteen world. Plus, Claudia always inspires me with her lists of 13 things, so I've combined admiration with my brain deadness, and I've decided to give this a go.

For my inaugural thirteen, I've decided to share thirteen things you should not do or say in public. I'll leave out the obvious like eating boogers and having sex. Instead, I'll share some things I've noted over the past couple weeks.

Thirteen Things You Should Not Do or Say in Public:

1) Whisper that you want to cut off Barack Obama's nuts. I'd say this is a no-brainer but any nut-cutting references should especially be avoided if you're:
1) a reverend
2) wearing a mic
3) on a national "news" station.

2) Eat pork rinds: Especially don't eat the extra large bag of pork rinds. Ugh, I can't even write more about this one. It's just nauseating.

3) Pull on a stranger's hair to check if it's real. Really, I beg you. And if you do it, don't make it worse by saying, "How'd you get that weave in there with no tracks at all? You got a lace front? I don't see no glue!"

4) Assume that the gang of kids with someone all belong to that person. Some of us do take our extended family or our own kid's friends out in public along with our own children. We don't really need to see your disapproving looks or hear, "Girl, that's a lotta kids! How many baby daddy's you got?"

5) Try to convince a Depeche Mode fan that Depeche Mode is not that great. Actually, don't do this in private either. There's no faster way to turn a relationship, whether it's work or personal, sour. Do this and you'll automatically be ejected from whatever circle of trust you were in or trying to get in. You're belief that Depeche Mode is either not musically worthy or is somehow a spiritually bankrupt form of artistic expression... yeah, just do the zip motion across your lips, turn the key and shh.

6) Talk about your STD. I really don't need to know the details of who you think you got it from and whether this bout of Chlamydia is worse than last year's Gonorrhea episode.

7) Sing Pussycat Dolls tunes. I know it's hard when you're listening to your iPod and you're all into it, but, um, the lyrics are inane. Plus, even though they use Autotune, their "singing" is still pretty unbearable. You, on the other hand, don't even have Autotune, so guess what? Your singing is the audio equivalent of idiocy raking it's nails on a chalkboard.

8) Equate slavery with anything else. Even if you think your oppressed experience is the modern day equivalent of slavery, read some slave narratives to school yourself. And I highly recommend you don't make this equation in a roomful of black folks, unless they all work for Fox News. Then you'll be their new best friends.

9) Walk around without flip flops in the gym locker room. This is just gross and sort of belongs in the "don't eat boogers" category, but when you do this while incessantly talking about what you did your dissertation on, you make folks start to wonder if street smarts might actually be better than book smarts.

10) Discuss how many carats are in your diamond enagagement ring. There's a good chance that someone on the crowded, rush-hour El train will follow you off the train and jack said ring from your finger. Then'll they'll take it over their cousin Chucky's house, 'cause he knows someone who knows someone who'll pay cash for it, no question's asked. Come to think of it, speaking of the El, you should also not...

11) Diss other passengers on the El while you are riding along with them. I know, buck wild gas prices are forcing you to abandon your SUV and ride with the unwashed masses, but that doesn't mean you should talk on your cell phone to your friend about how you're scared of us and we smell. Remember, not only do we smell, we're also crazy. So hush up till you get to the end of the line at Linden.

12) Talk about your drama with your period in a restaurant. Please spare me the imagery of your heavy and constant bleeding. I don't need to know how many pads you went through in an hour. I'm just trying to eat my soup and salad, not pretend I'm your OB/GYN.

And, last but certainly not least, please do not...

13) Fight with your significant other at the Shedd Aquarium. Really, fighting in public is just not a good thing at all, but come on, do the thousands of kids that are just trying to check out the sharks and the giant sea turtle really need to hear, "Like you ever do the f***ing dishes!" and all the follow-up sniping? Plus you had two small children and a newborn with you? Methinks you need to go home and sleep off your anger.
Now that was fun. What would you add to this list?

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Unknown said…
As ALWAYS girlie, fantabulous post! You had me crying especially since I HAVE been riding the "L" ALOT! LOL!!!

I attended a baseball picnic off Halsted & Taylor Street and this couple decided to jump off right in front of me! He threw down the three fold-up chairs he was carrying and they landed on my toes and the wife just stomped off! No one stopped talking, even the person I was talking to as I slightly grimaced. I rearranged the chairs, off my one said a word OR apologized...AHHH I guess its the Chicago HEAT ;0)
Jameil said…
ok no. we are so here on walking around without flip flops in the gym locker room & the gyno talk at the dinner table!! some people!! and don't even get me started on slavery!!!!
Unknown said…
Whew....I needed this. Pure hilarity. You are the greatest!

(and it's me, 1969)
Jen said…
Too true. Every single item on the list!
the joy said…
#11- that's what text is for. I tear a person up via text. Maybe even take a pic.
This was too funny. People are a mess. Especially you Jesse...
Liz Dwyer said…
The chairs landed on your toes!!! Oh wow! That's insane. It's gotta be the heat.

The no flip flops thing really disgusts me. I know I'm germ phobic as it is, but seriously, don't folks know better by now?

I needed this too because my head is really hurting and I'm feeling a little stressed! I have to make myself laugh somehow!

I wish none of it needed to be said, but sadly enough...

The Joy,
Exactly! Although, the picture thing could get you beat up... and Jesse just needs to retire with his baby daddy status self.
Miz JJ said…
Oh my stars. I am still laughing at this post.

Although I have to admit when I see someone with a gaggle of children I think 'Good lawd, that's a lot of kids' and I am thankful that it is not me!

Discussing the carats in your ring is tack, tack tacky.
Anonymous said…
ahahahahahhahahahhaha.... You RULE! We should just print these out and pass them around.

I'd add torture to the slavery thing. You know how many fools say, "that water boarding isn't anything?" I'm always like - oh yeah, let's try it on you. ;) (ok, I'm holding back the rant....)
Miriam said…
O man, number one WAS number one! lol

I'd add, don't go out anywhere w/anyone who's in a bad mood. Its just never worth it. I always regret when hubby's in a bad mood and we end up.. ....out.
Liz Dwyer said…
Miz JJ,
Discussing how many carats while holding the ring out so that it flashes is just el stupido. Plus, the carats may have been up there but any blind bat could've seen the clarity left a little to be desired.

I heard someone say the other day that the waterboarding thing didn't look "that bad" to them. Oh ok, why don't you sign yourself up to try it then. Sooo insensitive!

It definitely isn't worth it to go places with folks who are in bad moods. They usually want to ensure that you also end up in a bad mood too.
Anonymous said…
Awesome list. Hilarious. But you mean to tell me you're not supposed to have sex in public??? Hmmm... Kidding! We all know by now that I'm not getting any, anywhere.

I'd add that adult men shouldn't grab their adult girlfriend's behind in public. It goes along with PDA and groping should be kept - between YOU TWO! I don't need to see a booty massage while waiting in line behind you for 30 minutes at Ayara Thai (eh hem)
Liz Dwyer said…
Yes, groping/grabbing has GOT to go! I remember years ago deciding to go to the top of the Sears Tower and an overly PDA, groping-type of couple were on the elevator along with around 15 other people. It was gross and I wished I had a straight pin to surreptitiously prick one of them with.
storyteller said…
How fun to read your T-13 list today … I love the ‘flow’ of your mind as you share these don’ts. My brain is dead however so I’m afraid I have nothing to add right now. Perhaps something will come to me as I’m falling asleep (or awakening tomorrow morning).
Hugs and blessings,
Great list! I can't think of anything to add because I'm sure you've nailed everything a person could possibly need to avoid doing.

Oh, yeah. One more: If at all possible, don't live downwind from MY next-door neighbor. Sometimes that is the only thing that really matters.
Lola Gets said…
Ok, I dont get this one. Ive walked around gyms, locker rooms, and college dorm bathrooms all across New England (and the Atlantic Seaboard) and Ive never gotten foot cooties! The one time I tried to shower in flip-flops, they got stuck to the bottom of the tub, so when I tried to turn around, I nearly fell! Nah, Ill just stick with my natural self on this one.


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