Earlier today I was rollin' through the hood to find the boys, to kick dust and cuss, crank up some noise...

Oh, wait. I'm not in LA anymore am I? (You get bonus points if you know the artist and song title -- and don't Google it to find out either!)

Sooo... I was actually driving my sister's SUV to a natural foods store, you know, the place with a dozen kinds of tofu and zero foods with high fructose corn syrup. My mom was in the passenger seat and my boys were in the back, chatting up a storm.

We were cruising along quite nicely till all of a sudden, traffic came to a standstill due to road construction. My mom was looking out the passenger side window and I followed her gaze. That's when I saw a brother in a green Mercedes staring at us. He looked to be in his early to mid thirties and was neither attractive nor ugly. He looked like the "friend" type.

And then he smiled at us. Because I was in the driver's seat, I thought he was smiling at my mom! I couldn't help but think, "Oh my god! This guy is flirting with my mom!" She found the whole thing hilarious and started laughing. I laughed too because every time our cars pulled up alongside each other, there he was smiling and winking.

Finally I got sick of him, his smiles and his winks. I changed lanes so that he was behind me. Then, he changed lanes so he was on the driver's side just as we passed the last of the road construction. I sped away but he finally caught up with us at a stoplight. He then started motioning for me to roll down the car window. I did, but only because I started thinking he was maybe someone I'd gone to high school with or somehow knew. I have a notoriously bad memory, so heck, it could've been.

But nope, all he wanted was my name and phone number. He was cool when I yelled back that I'm married because after wishing me luck and telling me how my husband's a lucky man, he turned left as I kept driving straight on.

The whole thing gave me and my mom a good laugh, especially when my eldest son said, "Why did that weirdo want your phone number?"

It also got me thinking about how difficult it is for so-called "weirdos" to be single and find someone nice to be with. I have a few very good friends who are single guys or gals and they are going through the "find somebody" desert right now. I don't know where the oasis is for my single friends, but I wouldn't suggest cheesing it up on a busy city street as a tactic for meeting anybody either.

I don't need to tell them that because they already know this. Still though, meeting someone decent is incredibly difficult for them. Too many game players, crazies, immature people, controlling folks and people who flirt, flirt, flirt but then act like they've just been trying to be a good, platonic friend.

So, you tell me: what should my friends do to meet someone that isn't seriously a psychopath and dying to keep them in a cage in their bedroom closet?


Jameil said…
Idk b/c i fall into the "I'm letting God weed out the crazies" category. I obviously can't do it myself.
I have not idea what to tell your friends because I need the same darn advice. ha
Alicia said…
I met my husband through my ex-sister-in-law, so I'm absolutely no help when it comes to finding where al the non-crazies hang out. It seems very difficult to find someone to share your life with these days.

Asking for your name and digits at a stop light is so bad 80s movie cliche. I love it.
Allison Miranda said…
Yeah, it is difficult to find someone when you're single, esp. if you get looked at as a "weirdo" :-), or even just to find new friends. It's definitely been a no-win challenge for me. Makes me feel for the guy though, b/c I've been there. But at least he handled your 'rejection' with tact and class, instead of, "So-we can be friends" or "You ain't all that anyway" LOL.
Anonymous said…
As a single mom who no longer digs the whole "bar hook-up" scene anymore, I am searching for the answer as well. I did notice a lot of attractive men at the grocery store this morning, but you've got to get there before 8 am. After that, its just a lot of pissy, stay-at-home moms trolling the aisles.
Jen said…
I have nothing to say on this one. I know so many truly decent, attractive, smart, funny, TERRIFIC single women, in particular, who are just fed up with the dating thing.

Honestly, if my marriage fell apart, I think I'd just plan on staying single. It's sad.

I guess I'd give the advice to go find the life, and hopefully, you'll find folks that like the things you do. (And won't be psychotic.)
Anonymous said…
Los Angelista,
WOW! My most fav subject! LOL! NOT!
Dude has more cajones than me to try it from a car. I figure I’d get shot in “self defense, the woman thinking “Crazy-a** Whiteboy is a stone-cold stalker!” lol! But it does take some serious determination to just do the “cold-call” intro, all by yourself. Being a single father (yeah, the kids are with me, full-time), it is sometimes easier with the kids with me. But, that’s for a very particular reason. Without making this ‘all about me’, my children are bi-racial and I’m stickin’ with the, uh, well, “preference”, lol. So the kids help a little in frontin’ it that I just maybe, might be more serious than some stupid Malibu’s Most Wanted looking for a chocolate booty call. Thing is, I just hate doing it in front of my children; their old enough that they roll their eyes and laugh at poor Dad trying to be discreet and polite and always getting “Shot down in Flames” (thank you ol’ AC/DC). I usually try for just a hint of eye contact, because you might get lucky and have a small indication of “she just might” or “I know I’m going to get my head handed to me here”.
But let me tell you, the kids at least give me about a 10% - 15% fightin’ chance! ‘Cause I gotta tell you, there is no more downright suspicious creature on this earth than a black woman approached by a white guy! LOL! The eyes narrow, the head tilts back a little, the brows furrow up some and the slight body re-coil, and you just know what’s going to come spewing your way. Worse is the wide-eyed, “This can’t be happenin’ to ME!” Or the huge eye-roll and the “I’m SO embarrassed he’s talking to me in public” look, followed by total silence to whatever I just might have asked. LOL! I’ve gotten everything from “F@*k you, Cracker” to “You CANNOT be Serious”.
Funny thing is, ya know, I keep, at appropriate moments, trying. I prefer the out in public opportunities, like the grocery store, book store, Transit mall, places like that. So, Los Angelista, am I resilient or just totally stupid, lol?
Thumbs up to the Brother for being first brave enough and second (and even better), being a real adult man and understanding the situation and just politely moving on. Props to him!
Single White Daddy
Felicity said…
It is difficult to find someone when you are single and once you are with someone. You get a whole rush of men after you!
Liz Dwyer said…
Too true. I think God is probably getting a workout with the weeding because there are some characters out there, aren't there?

I know my friends (and you) are all eventually going to meet great people that are decent and noble, but I just wish it'd hurry up and happen!

It does seem very difficult and I was never too into the whole dating thing back in the day so I can't imagine that changing if I were somehow to find myself single again. It seems all much too complicated and too difficult to get to know someone beyond their public facade.

He did handle it very sweetly. I can't fault a brother for trying, but goodness, the smile and winking every time we pulled up alongside each other was a bit much!

Ooh, the grocery store could be a great place to meet folks! I think what a person eats tells a whole lot about them. Like, if he has Froot Loops in there, maybe that means a Peter Pan complex. And if he's got all organic products, he's a little too inflexible. (Clearly, this is why I'm not a paid analyst of these things.)

I hear you on maybe staying single, because there are lots of jerks out there and because I don't know if I could trust someone with my sons. And I also know a whole lot of terrific women but not so many terrific guys. The guys seem to be waiting to turn forty and then they think they're going to scoop up some clueless 22 year-old.

Single White Daddy,
Oh you made me laugh like 50 times! I think tears even came to my eyes a couple of times. I don't think you're foolish, and I agree that it does take determination, especially when you're looking for love across the racial lines our society mostly chooses not to cross. I think so many black women are socialized to believe they're either a traitor to their race or that the only reason a white guy would be interested in them is because he perceives her to be a promiscuous jungle bunny. Anyway, I give the guy his props, and loved that it seemed like he was trying to get my mom's attention. My mom is still fly!
Liz Dwyer said…
Oops, sorry, I forgot to reply to your comment! What you say is very true. I think I read that people perceive that if someone else wants you, you must not be all that bad. Of course, we all know that's not exactly true!
Liz Dwyer said…
And wow, I just realized that no one has taken a stab at the song... I KNOW some of y'all know that song. If not, I feel really old.
Anonymous said…
Los Angelista !!

Please hook me up with Single White Daddy ! I'm newly divorced and desperately need a date !

And just imagine the new details you could tuck into your skills set belt --"Matchmaker Extraordinaire" !
Anonymous said…
Well, if you'd asked me 30 years ago, Liz, I might have had some answers. Personally I met my (more or less!) sane partner while we were both working in the same bookshop. Over here supermarkets are pretty good hook-up spots too!
Lola Gets said…
Yeah, why you might not tout the "holla from a car on the street" move to meet someone, I think that this fellow was just trying to take advantage of his opportunity, and go for it! He didnt know if he was going to see you again, ever, so he had to say something right away.

Girl, right now Im so pressed for a date, I allowed a Smithie to set me up with her brother, sight unseen. We've played email and phone tag so far. Ill be honest, I think dudes gay, LOL, but at least Ill get out of the freakin house!

Liz Dwyer said…
I'd be happy to hook you up with Single White Daddy! SWD, are you interested? LOL, if this worked out, I could rename this blog Los Angelista's Love Connection!

I tend to think meeting someone in a bookshop/working with them is the best way to get to know somebody. When you work with them, you've seen them at the best and their worst and you truly know who they are.

True, he might never see me again, but he could be totally insane and he's just interested based on appearance (either mine or my sister's car!) And I have horrible memories of being set up with a friend's brother. It turned out he was like five feet tall, and, like you, I was convinced that he was actually gay, especially when he said, "I see they gave us the hot waiter tonight!" Oh, it was pure comedy and then my friend got mad that I wouldn't go out with her brother again. Sigh. Good luck with it.
Ian Lidster said…
Personally I love such odd little boosts to one's self esteem. Frosting on the cake of an already good life. And, might I add, he shows impeccable taste.
Anonymous said…
Los Angelista,

2 points on your response, quickly (yeah, like me “quick”, lol).

I do agree with you that many American black women are very suspicious of the real intent of a white guy. Can’t blame them. Even though we’ve seen a little more of it in recent years, truth is, most white men who would date a black woman would do it for many of the wrong reasons, i.e., it’s something different, “exotic”, or hoping for the “Video Ho”. They’d date, definitely screw, but for all the “Robert De Niro” reasons (what a scuz-ball). Sex, yes, please! But commitment, Marriage, FAMILY?! Oh, God-NO!!! And the few white guys who might think about love and commitment seem to think it’s just Barbie-in-Black-Skin, kinda like a white chickie with dark skin, with little concept that she’ll very likely have different views, background, social experiences and all. He’d better be ready for adaptation, understanding, compromise and outright change on his part to really make it work with her and her family. So, I understand the reluctance from that angle.

The one I don’t get is the ‘traitor to the race’ thing. Through work/business/social life I’ve met, gotten to know, have been friends with, still am friends with, any number of black men, and especially among professionals, all but 2 had (have) white or asian wives/girlfriends. Don’t seem to be much “traitor” feelings going on with the brothers! So, just why then with black females? Especially with all the recent discussions about the real lack of available, suitable black men and stable relationships and all. Man, I mean how many times can Essence magazine cover that subject? (Interestingly, Essence itself, as an editorial stance, doesn’t seem to like the idea of interracial couples, especially of the black female/white male variety and a reluctance to then confront openly why many black males feel very differently about this).
So, my big question, is…WHY the “traitor” label?

I know I can take a lot of heat for this, but, hey, it’s not like I haven’t gotten hit from all angles of society already for my, uh, “choices”, lol. I can take it. So, in those great words of the Offspring “Give it to me Baby, uh huh, uh huh. Give it to me Baby, uh huh, uh huh. And all the girlies say I’m pretty fly for a white guy”
LOL!!! NOT!!!

Single White Daddy
Anonymous said…
My advice? Get happy. Work on yourself. Nothing attracts a happy successful man than a happy successful woman. Not. One. Thing.

Worked for me - and all of my clients.
Liz Dwyer said…
I like the idea of frosting on cake about right now! Sounds good to me!

Unfortunately, a whole lot of men are only interested in sex and not a committed relationship or marriage. Why the traitor label? It's a great question and one I don't entirely have the answer to it. It's clearly a part of our mythology about race. We're taught that it's abandoning black men, and I suppose it works to keep more folks from getting together, which in turn maintains the status quo.

Amen for that. Such true advice, but even for friends that are doing that, there seems to be a lack of choices.

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