Heavenly Father, It's Been Six Years Since My Last Physical
EEK. I know, I know. It's terrible. I've already stoned myself on your behalf AND said four Hail Mary's as penance.
Sure, I went to the ER when I got into a car accident two years ago, and saw my doctor when I got strep throat last spring. When my Achilles tendon decided to get all inflamed last summer and decimate my running schedule, I went to see a doctor too. And I went to the doctor last month when I got my first-ever stye in my eye. But there has been no preventative care going on in my life other than not smoking, not drinking, eating fairly healthily, and worshiping at the altar of the sunblock gods.
I don't go to the doctor unless I'm desperate. With my Achilles, I'd been in pain for a month--such serious pain that I was SCARED to run--and since it didn't get better after that long, I figured I'd suck it up and drive over to Doctorville. But, I'm determined to take better care of myself in 2013 so I scheduled the first available appointment with my doctor.
I haven't been to the doctor in so long they sent me home with the "new patient questionaire." As I started filling it out, I realized why it's so easy for me to find something else to do other than getting a physical. I checked the "no" or "none" box on most of the laundry list of problems. No to osteoporosis, no to high blood pressure, no high cholesterol, to hemorrhoids. No to gout and no to asthma. No to irritable bowel syndrome, arthritis, and gallstones.
No to the whopping six questions about drinking, including, "Do you sometimes feel you need to cut down on your drinking?" and "Do you sometimes take a drink in the morning when you first get up?
Nope, never had a blood transfusion. No, have not had burning while urinating in the past month. Or ever, thank goodness. Nope, not shorter than I used to be. No rashes or weird moles. No nose bleeds.
But I am not out of the woods. I checked "yes" to allergies and hay fever--curse you, dust and pollen, curse you! And they want to know if I've had a headache in the past three months. Uh oh. Yes for that one. Also, in the health maintenance section they ask, "Have you had a tetanus shot to prevent lockjaw?" I have no idea. (That's exactly what I wrote in the answer space, too.)
Boys and girls, I'm going to be pretty unhappy if I have to get a freakin' tetanus shot tomorrow. Pfft, this annual physical thing is gonna be the WORST.
Be honest ... it's the dreaded pap smear.
Don't blame you.