Seven Letters I Need to Mail

I love writing letters. In fact, here's a few I need to mail:

1) Dear Beyonce,

I hate your new song, "Girls (Who Run the World)". First of all, the title sounds like it should be on a Willow Smith EP--Actually, did you sign up for the Willow Smith School of Repetition because you probably say the word "girls" 2,729 times in the song? Second of all, the track is a stinker. Let's hope it's just an old leaked demo because for real, that mess is headache city. And, is it wrong of me to keep hoping that you'll try a new look and abandon the blond weaves? Sure, it's your hair, but after all these years with the same I Am The Lion Queen, Hear Me Roar look...yawn.

2) Dear City of Los Angeles,

Please fix the foot-deep craters in the westbound right lane of Melrose Avenue between Vermont and Western. At rush hour no one can drive in the right lane because if they do, they'll lose a wheel.

3) Dear White Folks Who Think You're "Down" Because You Know a Couple of Black People,

You're not. Not by any stretch of the imagination.

4) Dear Kate and William,

Congratulations on your upcoming nuptials...but I probably won't be waking up early to watch you tie the knot. Sorry if I'm the one American on the planet that doesn't care about your royal wedding, but I'm just not that into you.

5) Dear Disneyland,

I want to run your new Tinkerbell Half Marathon. I just keep thinking of how awesome the medal is surely going to be. Hmm... I need to find $120 for the registration. Have y'all ever considered race layaway?

6) Dear Chair in My Living Room,

One of these days I'll stop falling asleep while sitting on you. Last night I was really tired...and you're really comfy. But oww, my neck!

7) Dear Clone,

Get it together and get your behind over to my house, pronto. There are dishes in the sink and the coffee table needs dusting. I also have some things I'd like you to write for me because I am behind!

Love,

Los Angelista