Letters I Need to Write: The Post Academy Awards Edition

I couldn't be an actress. I mean, every single time some fashion police type asked me "Who are you wearing?" I'd be tempted to reply, "Clothes."

Yes, it's that time of the year again when Hollywood's at a fever pitch and little gold statues are handed out. After watching most of this year's red carpet and the Oscar's themselves, I have a few letters I need to write:

1) Dear Jennifer Hudson: Some folks are going to start telling you that you've gone too far and you look TOO skinny now. Pfft! These are the same people who cracked on you when you were heavier, so don't listen to them.

2) Dear Giuliana Rancic: I can't even imagine the pressure you're under to look like you only eat tic tacs, but really, your upper arm is the size of my wrist. Yes, being painfully thin is part of the business, but really...how about a sandwich?

3) Dear Anne Hathaway: I liked you in those Princess Diaries movies. Other than that, meh. You changed clothes too much
and you screamed "whoo hoo" one too many times for my taste. Sorry. Not feeling you as a hostess.

4) Dear James Franco: Next time ask Ricky Gervais how he managed to host the Golden Globes without being high as a kite.

5) Dear Christian Bale's Beard: How come you're all reddish brown and the hair on Christian's head is dark brown? And why do you exist at all?

6) Dear Oprah: How about a reality show for OWN where you adopt me?

7) Dear Lena Horne Tribute: You were nice, but, um, you needed to be LONGER.

8) Dear Oscar Producers: Next time you wanna ask people what's their fave Oscar song, DON'T dig up some black folks to talk about how much they loooove "It's Hard Out here For A Pimp." UGH!

9) Dear Helena Bonham Carter: PLEASE keep dressing as you see fit and keep expressing your emotions on your face. Your expressiveness is what makes you such a great actress.

10) Dear Black, Latino or Asian Oscar Winner: Congratulations!! Oh, wait, sorry. You don't exist. Better luck next year.

Love,

Los Angelista

Comments

1969 said…
I agree with every word!
Unknown said…
Guiliana is scary skinny. She looked awful last night, very sickly and unhealthy. The saddest part for me is that she desperately wants a baby, and is willing to do IVF over and over but not willing to start eating like a normal human being. I can't even imagine the pressure she feels to stay thin but it doesn't even look good so what's the point if you are totally miserable?
love this post. linked you from my post about it
Jameil said…
I enjoyed Anne & James together. I thought they were fun & cute. It actually made me like Anne Hathaway a little. Bale's beard was so weird.... RE: Lena, I'm actually surprised she got that much of a tribute. And I don't even mean that in a snarky way. Helena is awesome! I loved her performance in The King's Speech. So unexpected!
Helena is a wonderful actress. I still remember her performance in Merlin and she is great! Its just that sometimes I just don't like her taste in clothing. If she has a stylist, she should fire them. If she doesn't have one, having one won't hurt.
Dena said…
you are so dead on, liz! i thought this years oscar's were a big ol' joke.
Sarah Auerswald said…
Agreed! On all points. I don't think Franco was high, though - just too cool for school. Equally as bad. And Jennifer Hudson looked so amazing!

My favorite part was Christian Bale forgetting his wife's name (horribly embarrassing, actually) but then every winner after that naming his wife so that he wouldn't be in the same category as Bale! HA!
KIM COLES said…
you are TOOOO much LOL!
But I do like Bale. Rent Empire of the Sun. He was a just a kid and AWESOME!
xoxoxo
Unknown said…
You are officially added to my list of "sheros"!
Anonymous said…
I didn't watch the Oscars mainly because I usually loathe the broadcasts. However, this year I really didn't need to, Liz, because your hilarious blog captured all I needed to know. Priceless. I loved it.
Unknown said…
I'm just glad I missed seeing #8.

It's like the producers wanted to be hip but not too hip with their choice of hosts & tone of the show.


But the result was a boring mishmash of meh. No genuine moments of anticipation, joy or excitement - especially compared to last year when Kathryn Bigelow won Best Director.

Where does the Academy go from here to keep us coming back? Back to comedians? Debbie Allen directing? Or dare I say, Ricky Gervais hosting?
Liz Dwyer said…
1969,
I hope next year is better and less boring.

Elita,
It's really sad to see, and its sad that if she were to gain enough weight so that she was healthier, she'd get heat from E. It really doesn't look good, either. She looks like beef jerky covered with skin.

Mer,
Thanks. I've been so busy all week...need to go read what you wrote.

Jameil,
James was BAKED, girl. It was like he smoked 10 joints so she took speed and chugged a Red Bull to compensate. Yeah, given that they left a bunch of folks out of the tribute, I guess we should be grateful they even mentioned Lena's name, period.

Los Angeles Maids,
Helena is so great on so many levels. And I kinda like that she doesn't live WITH Tim Burton, just next door to him. I could go for that level of sanity preservation. I myself wouldn't wear the mismatched shoes she rocked a couple of weeks ago, but I like how she stays true to herself and kinda pokes fun at how seriously folks take the awards show fashion.

Dena,
I know. I don't know why I could not stop watching. I should've. But I guess if I had, I would've missed the awesome kids singing at the end. They were great.

Sarah,
OK, so he DID forget his wife's name, didn't he? When he was up there, I wondered if he was just so choked up that that's why there was an awkward pause after he said, "To my wife"...but I bet he really did forget her name. Franco is ALWAYS too cool for school. Very true!

Kim,
I remember Empire...he was SO good in that as a kid. He's been in so many good movies...I love him in The Prestige the most. (OK, I just love that movie, period. David Bowie as Tesla was HOT!)

But I hope he shaves the beard! Hmm...is Bale on Twitter? ;)

Gloria,
lol, I think my son wiped his mouth on my cape though!

Ileana,
Next year will be better. And the films more diverse casting-wise, right? Keep hope alive! lol!

Ian,
I am glad to perform community service and spare you from having to watch. I probably should've spared myself, too.

IANSJ,
Be glad you missed #8, too. It was ridiculous. Ricky Gervais got heat for his skewering ways, but at least he kept it interesting.
Carolina said…
So sad that Black, Latino or Asian actors weren't recognized, yet again... Besides the children singing "Over the Rainbow" and closing the show, and even that was dogged by some.

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