Won't You Be My Neighbor?

Do you want to be my neighbor?

If you're willing and able to pay $3500 a month, then you can move right across the street from me. Well, technically, you need $10,500 to get started since they want two months deposit plus the first month's rent upfront.

I know. That's a whole lot of cash. But, if you're just dying to move to LA and you happen to have the money sitting around collecting dust, then seriously, you should come be my neighbor.

Let me tell you a little bit about your potential new home. It's a small, one-story house that used to be so ridiculously run down that cobwebs and black cats hung off the front porch year round. I was never sure what color the house was before. After all, the paint looked like it used to be a peachy beige color, but it was covered with such a thick layer of dirt, that I just couldn't tell.

Some old lady that we never saw lived there for a long time. She bought that house around 25 years ago, back when houses went for $50K in this neighborhood instead of for $800K like they do now. And then she died and her kids chose to sell. The new owners decided to rehab and rent out the place.

These invisible owners hired these gross contractors to slap up some stucco siding on the outside and replace the windows. I've watched these guys work all summer, sweaty potbellies on full display. I was grateful when they migrated to the inside of the house. Eww.

This morning, I finally saw a big "For Rent" sign hanging out front. Since the door was open, I strolled over to check things out and ended up meeting the new owner. I told him I live across the street and asked if I could check the new and improved house out. He showed me around, proudly pointing out the hardwood floors and faux marble countertops. There are three bedrooms and two full bathrooms. Gosh, I could really use that second bathroom about now because I am sooo fed up with living with three males who seem to need some Cheerios in the bowl for aiming purposes. There's also good storage space but in the bedrooms, the closets have those mirrored sliding doors. I positively hate mirrored sliding doors.

I also found out that whoever lived there would still have to pay all the utilities. And the big backyard that used to be behind the house? Well, they're building a small apartment building back there so the yard is completely gone. So if you're longing for grass and a garden, this might not be the place for you.

The owner asked me if I thought he was asking too much money for the place. I told him yes, the price seemed high to me. Then again, I shared that I moved to this neighborhood eight years ago, back when one bedroom apartments were $500 instead of $1800 and a two bedroom was $650, not $2400. He laughed and told me I was lucky I have rent control.

I absolutely agree.

He then told me he's pretty sure he'll have the place rented within a week, no problem.

I wonder. Has LA really come to this? Will folks really pay $3500 to live in a house with a torn up front yard, construction going on in the backyard, and mirrored closets?

I suppose so. Some trio of hip, young artsy types will move in. They'll maintain their LA slimness because they aren't eating. Nope, the money that would go to food will be going to pay the rent. They'll park vintage BMW's out front. They'll throw a party where someone strums an acoustic guitar and tries to channel Alanis Morrisette. They'll fall in love and then have very loud, public break-ups that I'll overhear at two in the morning.

Then they'll move away from LA, disillusioned with the sparkle and glitz that at one time seemed so promising.

Yes, the new landlord will have no problem renting that house. Folks will pay the money for the rent because the only "affordable" option is somewhere in South-Central LA. And, um, that's not really the hot neighborhood right now.

So come be my neighbor if you'd like to take a whirl. In eight years, it'll be your turn to marvel at someone else paying way too much for a place to live.