To Enhance Or Not To Enhance...That Is The REAL Question

OK, I'm out on the town in Breast-Implant Land, I mean, LA. Did I mention that I'm on vacation this week? Well, I am! Thank goodness for vacation because I was singing DMX songs in my head last Friday. I'm at The Grove, everyone's favorite outdoor mall/pseudo community on 3rd and Fairfax. The rest of my family is next door at the theatre watching the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle movie. Yeah, sorry, but I had to pass on that one. I've been strolling around outside and I just walked by the Victoria's Secret so here's another bra-related question:

What's up with the plethora of padded and push-up bras available?

I mean, do most women really want the average man (or woman) staring at their chests? Ladies? Tell the truth. I'll tell you my truth: I think it's annoying and insulting and I wish I could use a red-hot poker or an acid-filled water-gun on the offenders. I know, I'm supposed to ooze sex appeal, have my ta-tas jumping out of my shirt, and not worry about whether or not I'm being taken seriously at work or anyplace else. --On the other hand, maybe I should try wearing a push-up AND padded bra at work. Maybe I'll get a promotion or something.

Seriously, come on. If you've got the padded/push-up thing going on, once you take that thing off, somebody's gonna know all that cleavage wasn't really you. And, since I'm married and believe that a present for my honey equals a new pair of underwear, (they really don't buy them for themselves) I know that padded boxers and briefs aren't available in mainstream department stores.

Nope, men don't roll around wearing gel-enhanced underwear to make themselves look more physically endowed. Or, if you're a man and you do that, I'm sorry, but there's a possibility that you're still mentally in the eighth grade.

We women, alas, we've drunk the kool-aid that's been trickled down our throats. We've been brainwashed into believing we are less than worthy if our breasts aren't gigantically standing at attention at all times...but, don't get me wrong, I'll be the first to admit, if you need a bra, please wear one.

And now I'm off to observe some non-undergarment related the guy sitting to my left here in the Barnes and Noble. He just dropped his half-eaten cookie onto the floor and instantaneously picked it up and started eating it. I don't even think he's aware that he did it.

It's a sure sign...he must have kids.


I know this has happened before, but I'm going to require you to repost this. I was trying to listen but my eyes kept wandering south. I apologize.

I try to be an honorable man, but when the very exciting jiggly bits are on such obvious display, it is difficult to retain my focus.

—All men everywhere
Liz Dwyer said…
See, your eyes were wandering so you must have missed the part about red-hot pokers and water guns filled with acid! Or, maybe you need some of those blinkers like race-horses wear...feel like a little trip to Arlington Park? ;0
none said…
Boobs are like magnets. But I try to keep eye contact whenever possible.

Gel enhanced underwear?

A woman is going to find out eventually. Wouldn't that be embarassing?
Wouldn't the acid just eat through the water gun?
Also: I now have your contribution to my next "weird Blog comments taken out of context" post.
Liz Dwyer said…
Yes, women can buy bras filled with gel enhancers. It's all fake, an illusion in a society that loves lies and deceit and thinks reality tv is "real". Sadly, I think we're taught to be so easily distractable and that we're supposed to focus on chest size. But we can unlearn it if we want to.

But it's a special kind of acid that only burns eyes in certain circumstances. So the water gun is not damaged...but it's so sweet that you were worried about the water gun's safety. And, I guess I should technically call it an "acid gun".

I'm just giving you more fuel for your next "weird blog comments" post, aren't I?
Anonymous said…
It also doesn't make sense that so many padded bras come in sizes 40DD and beyond. I can't figure out why any woman wearing a bra that big would need to look even bigger.
It depends on how fast you snatch up tha food you drop on tha floor. Also if tha food in question has a sticky surface.
velvet said…
I can say that it doesn't matter entirely what size they are, men still look. I don't have much at all, but still had a good friend in college who, out of the three years that we went to school together, probably spent a cumulative time of about one year talking to my chest.
Liz Dwyer said…
I can't even contemplate 40DD but I guess we pad bras because we like them how we like our cars and trucks...bigger in America is always better.

Depending on how melted the chocolate on the cookie was, I think it counts as being sticky. Imagine the hundreds of people that have probably walked over that spot since it was last mopped. Eww. But I'll be the first to admit that I have serious germ phobias so I could be more grossed out than most.

How did you all stay friends? Didn't it just annoy the heck out of you?
Anonymous said…
I feel like anything I say on this post is a bad idea. But I will say that I'm not, and never have been, much of a breast man. I'll leave it at that.
Liz Dwyer said…
I'm sure what you have is not bad to please, no self-censorship. And I think what you did share is not bad to say at all.

Popular Posts