Anonymity

The saying is that you write about the things that wake you up at four in the morning. That should also be extended to the things that keep you from falling asleep. I sometimes feel inclined to write in this space about certain topics that keep me up at night but I've realized, I can't. This space is not anonymous and there are certain thoughts that I don't think should be voiced to others and probably don't belong in cyberspace. Even if this were a space where no one knew my name, I'm not sure I'd want to write about everything filtering through my mind...all those vain imaginings. Not everyone wants to know all the what-ifs that pop into my head, the questions I senselessly ask myself and ponder over and over again.

The first poem I ever memorized was the Robert Frost classic, "The Road Not Taken". Here it is for you:

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth;

Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim
Because it was grassy and wanted wear;
Though as for that, the passing there
Had worn them really about the same,

And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I marked the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way
I doubted if I should ever come back.

I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I,
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.

But here's the thing: what if you aren't so sure that you have taken the road less traveled? There are conversations I think about, people, events that I wonder about. Things that happened six, seven years ago. Things I wish I'd said or done instead of what I actually said or did. Without my anonymity I don't feel I can write about why I think about particular conversations I've had and what I wish I'd said instead of what I actually said.

So often, what I wish I'd said or done is what I wanted to say or do, but there was too much fear in my heart. On the other hand, sometimes I think about moments of brutal honesty when I laid it all on the table and the other person was not prepared. Or I was not prepared for the result of my actions or sentiments. That's when I wish I had been less forthcoming.

Either way, would it have made a difference? I'm not a huge believer in the concept of fate or destiny, but maybe it was really all supposed to turn out this way.