Day 15 After Chemotherapy and I'm Nearly Bald

Bless me Father for I am going bald. It's been 15 days since my last chemotherapy infusion to kill my triple negative breast cancer and I am giving in to the sin of vanity by covering up my hair loss.

This morning as I got ready to go to work I felt a little like Christian Bale's wig and combover-sporting character in American Hustle. I tried to arrange my few wisps of hair but I realized there was no way I could go out without wearing a hat, so I pulled this beret out of a drawer. Even if it is a bit weird to wear the hat when it's 90 degrees outside, I thought I looked pretty decent.

But here is what the beret was concealing:

I'm looking at that picture and I seriously even believe that that is me. And, astonishingly enough, I've lost even MORE hair since I snapped this picture a couple of hours ago. When my doctor told me I'd be bald by day 17, she was not playing.

A part of me wants to say every cuss word I know in English, French, and Spanish while crying at the same time. I'm like RiRi in the dang bathtub.

I'm also seriously exhausted so there's a part of me that's feeling very "Meh, hair loss. It'll grow back," and then wants to go directly to bed. Whatever it takes to kill cancer. And right now, I really really want to kill cancer. My body hurts so badly the pain woke me up at 3 a.m. and the pain only got worse as the day went on. Body aches AND going bald?


So many people have written "fuck cancer" to me. Yeah, please slash cancer's tires, beat it around the head with a tire iron, and infect it with Ebola. Sprinkle Pine Sol in cancer's food and ask it to sit in a closed garage while a car idles. Pretend that cancer is a member of the Aryan Brotherhood and you're Chuck D with a microphone.

I intend to let my sons snip off the remaining remnants of hair on Friday night. I'm going to need a hug after that.


Comments

Alexis said…
Dear Liz,

I've enjoyed reading your blog for a few years now and am saddened to learn that you are battling cancer.

But I need to let you know the prayer warriors on staff at WGTS 91.9 FM are praying for you! Tune into the station online here, http://wgts.org/ for encouraging messages and uplifting music to help you in your journey.

God bless you! You are in my prayers too! :)
Kim Moldofsky said…
Oh, Liz. Like you said, "Whatever it takes," but I know our hair is such a part of our identity and who we are. It's a small consolation and I won't sing any songs, but you can rock that beret. You may have thought your hair was your best feature, but I think it's your smile. Keep on kicking cancer's ass.
Michelle said…
Thank you for document your journey through this. I have a appointment next month with my new primary doctor. I will make sure I get a mammogram this year. You are right the numbers for Black Women dealing with any form of breast cancer is high.

I will light a candle for you...

Unknown said…
Oh Liz this makes me so sad, but I want you around for a long, long time to come. The hair will grow back. You are still fabulous in the beret.
Claudia said…
You're so gorgeous! Thanks for sharing yourself with us, little phoenix. I can't wait to see what's next! :)
Thank you for sharing your journey. I documented my mom's journey and remember the day she decided the hair loss was just too much and I helped her shave it off. You are gorgeous with or without hair. You are rocking that beret!
Lucrecer said…
Sending up healing prayers for you, my beautiful friend.
Lani said…
Losing my hair was hard. That's when I went about the world looking like a cancer patient.

Sending you love and strength as you pass this next test in this crappy Cancer World.

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